Friday, May 13, 2011

A Fistful of Priests! (Brad's Picks)

Standing in line at the movie theater this weekend, which of the two new studio releases are you going to lay down your hard-earned cash on:  Bridesmaids or Priest?  We hear at ITMOD are definitely gonna go with the man who kicks ass for the lord...even it does come from the director of the so-so Legion.

Cinema has a long tradition of butt-kicking holy men and I found it extremely difficult to trim this list down to just five rockin' priests.  But after some significant twisting of the arm, I whittled it down to:

5.  Preacher (Pale Rider): Under siege from a greedy & viscous landowner, a group of prospectors find hope in the form of a ghostly preacher who delivers hope on horseback with a fistful of bullets.  Clint Eastwood nearly captures the dark mystery of High Plains Drifter and gives us another hero to worship.

4.  Jacob Fuller (From Dusk Till Dawn):  After his wife's death, Jacob lost his faith...or turned his hatred towards his faith and left the church.  But thanks to a couple of violent kidnappers and a Mexican Strip Club run by a horde of zombie-like vampires, Jacob rediscovers his religion and uses his Jesus Abilities to concoct some Holy Hand Grenades outta murky tap water and backstocked condoms.  A good man to have in a monster fight.

3.  Detective Thomas Dagget (The Prophecy):  Another fallen priest, Thomas Dagget left the church after a vision of angels warring in Heaven.  What's his back-up profession?  L.A.P.D.  Okay, sure, but when angelic corpses start popping up all over the city, Detective Dagget re-joins God's Army to battle Viggo Mortensen's Lucifer as well as Christopher Walken's supreme badass archangel Gabriel.  After TMNT's Casey Jones, Dagget is Elias Koteas' masterwork.

2.  Priest (Super Fly & Super Fly TNT):  Maybe Ron O'Neal actually ain't no holy man but he's certainly the coolest playa to ever be named Priest.  Fighting the man as best he can (i.e. dealing and snorting coke as fast as humanly possibly), Priest doesn't really come into his butt-kicking own until the sequel when he gets his conscience stirred by some African Rebels and helps them overthrow a corrupt government.  So, steal the soundtrack from the first film and the plot from the second and you've got one cool cat.

1.  Father Merrin (The Exorcist):  Part of me wanted to avoid The Exorcist all together, or retitle this A Fistful of Priests That Aren't Father Merrin Cuz Obviously He's The Most Kick-Ass Priest, but that's not really a catchy header is it?  And besides, You Just Have To Put Father Merrin At The Top of your Fistful of Priests list and if Matt chooses to ignore the great Max Von Sydow than For Shame, Sir!


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