Friday, May 6, 2011

A Fistful of Hammers! (Brad's Picks)

Mjollnir will hammer down this weekend with the Marvel release of Thor and I'm super excited to see if Kenneth Branagh can bring some of his Epic Shakespeare vibe to everybody's favorite comic book Longhair.  To celebrate Matt & I are giving you, constant reader, our Fistful of Hammers that just might stand a chance against The God of Thunder.

5.  Ramona Flowers' 8-Bit Mallet (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World):  When Scott Pilgrim can't seem to suck it up and hit Evil Ex #4 Roxy Richter, fetishized Ramona Flowers steps up and give the skank a vicious Whack-A-Mole beatdown with her 8-Bit Mega Mallet.  

4.  Mahogany's Tenderizer (The Midnight Meat Train):  Bradley Cooper is just a simple photographer who stumbles upon a really gross Clive Barker subway cult in the form of meatpacker Vinnie Jones and his eye-popping meat tenderizer.  The Midnight Meat Train is one of the more successful post-Hellraiser Barker adaptations and horror fans should enjoy the decent in the bizarre mutant underground.

3.  The Toy Store Boss Claus Hammer (Silent Night, Deadly Night):  Poor, poor Billy Chapman.  After witnessing his folks get murdered at the hands of a man dressed in a Santa Claus suit, growing up in an orphanage, and eventually falling into a job at toy a Santa Claus!!!  He snaps and goes on a kill-crazy rampage.  First up, his rapist boss Mr. Simms gets the hammer in the noggin.  "Punish!"  If you haven't seen this ridiculous slasher than it's time to put it on your wish list.

2.  Thorgrim's Mallet (Conan The Barbarian):  Before Arnold can go up against James Earl Jones' hissing Thulsa Doom he first has to get through the lackies, and my favorite lackey has got to be Whitesnake appreciator Thorgrim & his giant wooden mallet.  

1.  The Hallway Hammer (Oldboy):  I love the Revenge genre and I honestly believe that Oldboy is the Ultimate Revenge film.  After being mysteriously locked up in a hotel room for 15 years, Oh Dae-Su is just as mysteriously freed to roam the city streets.  What does he do?  He sets about discovering who imprisoned him so he can hunt them down and slaughter their ass.  In the process he delivers one of the greatest acts of cinematic Hammer Violence as he smashes his way through a corridor of gangsters.  It is epic.  The recent Jude Law flick Repo Men did a fairly decent job apeing it for their hallway of death climax.


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