Matt’s Week in Dork! (3/3/13-3/9/13)

    What can I say?  Not a lot changing or going on in this Dork’s life right now.  Though, Sunday night I did catch another episode of Dimension X on The Big Broadcast.  The episode was “The Universe,” based on another Heinlein story.  A guy on a quest to find out the truth about his world and break the chains of superstition travels through levels of the Ship, the whole world he knows.  There are mutants roaming the corridors, legends of a creator who made the ship, an afterlife taking ‘the Trip,’ and more.  I need to track down more Dimension X.  The two I’ve heard so far have been fantastic.  I know Gunsmoke, Johnny Dollar, and Dragnet are all popular, but Dimension X is really more my speed.


Farscape Season 3:  “Stop, stop, stop!  This makes no sense.  YOU make no sense!”  This season does what Farscape has done since the beginning, ratchets up the stakes, the passions, the dangers, and the operatic insanity to new heights.  The adventures of John Crichton and his band of intergalactic ex-con friends and “…the nightmares I’ve seen…the wonders I’ve seen.”  Everyone is taken through the ringer, bent, twisted, broken, burned, doubled, and put through things only science fiction provides a canvas for and possibilities for redemption you don’t see in other genre.  And of course, it all builds to a totally insane cliffhanger finale.  Several long time cast members, including one of the original crew, don’t make it out of this season alive.

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril:  Open on a killer topless lady!  You have my attention.  These movies have taught me one thing, that Japan was full of wandering musicians, most of whom were also trained killers.  In this fourth installment, father and son are separated.  When little Daigoro meets the Japanese John Travolta, the pieces are put in place for a fight.  You know this guy is going down.  A temple full of ninjas?  It’s not long before they’re stumped.  More strange morality from an honor driven society.  The use of flashbacks is also an interesting feature in this series.  Each film reveals more about our heroes as it reveals more about various new characters.  Ogami kills an unbelievable number of people.  And are they setting up for the eventual end of the series?  Time will tell.

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons:  Crazy.  So five guys, each with one fifth of his pay, and one fifth of the job’s details are dispatched to test and die by Ogami’s sword.  OK.  Seems like an inefficient system, but OK.  Wave Slashing Technique!!!  Life seems extremely complicated in Feudal Japan.  But little Daigoro is pretty hardcore.  He takes a beating just to prove a point.  If that kid makes it out of this series, he’s gonna turn into one bad mo-fo when he gets older.  Is it wrong that the under water ninja fight made me chuckle?  I think it was actually meant to be funny, so hopefully not.  The final fight inside the home/palace is nuts.  The way the shots are framed is very odd, but kind of cool.  Often focused just off the action, on some piece of scenery, it give the fight a different feel.  And so, so much blood.  Not a lot of film franchises feature a hero beheading a mother and child.  That’s one of the things that makes this series kind of unique.  After the near fatal finale of the previous film, Ogami comes out of this one relatively unscathed.

Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire:  “A pox on them all, if they can’t take a joke.”  Oh, crap.  Somebody’s D&D game got turned into a movie with Kevin Sorbo and poor man’s JCVD, Olivier Gruner?  How did this not sweep the nation?  I was marveling at the dreadful script, poor acting, and just general awkwardness of the opening credit narration and flashback, when a name came out of the mist.  Albert Pyun.  Oh, man.  Listen, Albert Pyun is behind a couple movies I love (perhaps in spite of their quality).  But he is also behind some of the most amazingly awful movies I’ve ever seen.  This was obviously gonna be fun.  A magic hair-style princess wants help.  Instead she gets Sorbo.  There’s a porno vibe to the movie.  The cast and filming technique all have an extra dose of sleaze.  Super, super cheesy CGI lends to the overall feeling of home-made video.  The story hops around, skips key sequences, narrates over bits to try to connect scenes.  It’s really, really not good.  Michael Pere’s amazing wigs are something to see, though.  At the end of the day, the movie doesn’t really make a danged lick of sense.  And what also doesn’t make sense is 10 minutes of credits (though they do help pad the runtime to almost an hour and a half).  Just dreadful.  But somehow almost enjoyably bad.  That kind of bad that lets you know, if you had the time and inclination, you could do better.

Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker:  My doppelganger Ewan McGregor is secretly a James Bond type adventurer.  When Winter from Band of Brothers kills him, his annoying nephew is forced into the business.  There are probably enough movies like this now that it could be considered a full-on subgenre; the kid spy movie.  Spy Kids and its sequels, Agent Cody Banks, etc.  This one has a pretty good cast of adults (excepting Alicia Silverstone), but the snotty kid lead is, well, the snotty kid lead.  The jump-cut style of action in the movie is annoying, and out of place in what is otherwise a made-for-TV feeling film.  With the editing style and the music choices, it’s obviously trying really hard to by ‘hip’ and ‘appeal to the young people.’  But it feels false, which it too bad.  It also feels like big, probably important parts of the book didn’t make the screen, mostly the parts that would make the viewer care about anyone.  Stephen Fry adds some class, while Mickey Rourke adds some crazy.  Overall, it just feels like there isn’t enough interesting at the core of this to bother.  It’s not that it’s badly done or whatever.  It’s clear a lot of work went into the making of the film.  It’s just not that interesting.

Ultramarines: A Warhammer 40,000 Movie:  “Burn heretics!” Half of me says, ‘how did this ever happen?’  The other half says, ‘how did it take this long?’  The 40K universe begs to be realized visually.  Artwork has been a key element since its creation, and seeing it as an animated film makes sense (though live action would be welcome).  Unlike other movies based on table-top games (Mutant Chronicles, Dungeons & Dragons, etc.), it’s clear this was created by people familiar with the game (writer Dan Abnett is among the most popular author of Warhammer novels, so I guess it shouldn’t come as too big a surprise).  It gets nothing wrong when it comes to details.  The tech is right, the style is right, the themes are right, the names and places are right.  This IS a Warhammer 40,000 movie.  In a lot of ways, this is about as generic a story as they could tell.  Space Marines (Ultramarines, no less) VS. the Black Legion (the demon looks Khorne, but I’m not up on my Chaos armies).  Other than Imperial Guard or Tyranids, I don’t know who else might have worked and still been approachable to John Q. Public.  Still, I’d have liked to see Slaanesh, Tzeentch, or maybe even some Eldar and Orks?  Anyway, the CGI isn’t bad, and the voice acting is pretty good.  The script isn’t amazing, but it’s serviceable.  Space Marine dialog is almost destined to be somewhat stilted by their nature.  There isn’t much of a story.  And the pacing is oddly slow.  Not boring, but slow.  I would have liked a good battle hymn during the last stand, though I don’t know that a casual viewer would accept a bunch of sci-fi soldiers singing as they face unbeatable odds.  But you know what, for a first attempt at a 40K movie, this was pretty good.  And it’s one of those all too rare adult animated science fiction films.  Nice.

Moon:  David Bowie’s kid and that squirrelly guy (Guy) from Galaxy Quest somehow came together to create one of the all time best science fiction films of all time.  Who’d have thought?  An homage to films like 2001, Outland, and Silent Running, and a darned good science fiction film on its own, Moon is a quiet, thoughtful, emotional movie.  Made on a super-low budget, it manages to pack quite a punch.  Visually excellent, great music, and a powerhouse performance from lead Sam Rockwell.  A must.

Attack of the Puppet People:  “What would I do in St. Luis?”  John Agar!  I love my NetFlix queue.  I never really know what will come in next, and it’s like a little fun challenge to watch and enjoy them all.  This Bert I. Gordon classic features the Once and Future King of B-Movies, John Agar and his terrifying…er…handsome face.  John Hoyt (Enterprise doctor before McCoy) is a super-creeper doll maker bent on dastardly deeds.  And his particular brand of pseudo-science is kind of awesome.  The movie is Bert I. Silly, Bert I. Goofy, Bert I. Fun.

Chung King Express:  “When an apartment cries, it takes a lot to mop it up.”  A young cop who just got dumped is out looking for love.  A coke running femme fatale looking for a place to hide.  A beat cop trying to come to terms with his lady leaving him.  And a music loving young woman (manic pixie dream girl) working at a fast food place.  Relationships, what might have been, what was, and where they’ll eventually take us, for better or for worse.  I don’t always like the style choices in the film.  The weird trailing effects in the opening chase sequence, for example.  But the romance with the Stewardess sequence is really good.  In fact, the whole second half of the movie is excellent.  The music is weird.  The soundtrack features some solid, evocative songs.  But the score reminds me of that electronica jazz from Blade Runner, which feels weird in the 90s (it wasn’t all that normal in the early 80s).  I remember watching this movie years ago with the anticipation that it was going to be some kind of exploitation crime film.  I was sorely disappointed and took 10 years to come back and give it another go.  This second viewing (prompted in part by reading The Film Club a few weeks back) was much more enjoyable and I was in a much better place to see the film.  The sadness of two men in the aftermath of their women bailing.  The tentative steps of reaching out to someone else.  Adorable but painful and awkward fumblings toward connection.  Manic Pixie’s secret housekeeping is totally crazy (TOTALLY CRAZY!!!), yet manages to be extremely cute at the same time.  There is a bit of strong violence in the early part of the film.  But otherwise, it’s a very light, romantic film.

Witches’ Hammer:  Europe’s witch fever is the subject of this Eastern European film from the 60s.  Pretty good production value and a strong cast help.  And the Hammer Horror storyline and semi-exploitative nudity make for entertaining viewing.  But that sick, sexual malediction inflicted on people by their obsessive and oppressive clergy is at the core of the movie.  People sublimating their sexual need with orgies of wrathful violence.  And obviously, the rampant hatred and demonizing of women (can’t talk about Medieval/Renaissance Christians without bringing that up…Oh, how times have changed…Oh, wait!).  Not a great movie, and relentlessly downbeat.  Still, it’s well made.

The Lady from Shanghai:  “Some people can smell danger.  Not me.”  Orson Welles is a poor Irish sap who crosses paths with hokey-smokes hot Rita Hayworth and her google-eyed lawyer husband Everett Sloane.  I’m kind of used to Welles as either a pampered intellectual/artist type or a bloated old beast. 
This weird, in between stage, with him playing something of a badass going to seed is somewhat disconcerting.  But he pulls it off.  Heck, I even forgive him the James Cagney-type Lucky Charms accent.  Welles was a master of portraying the ugliness of human relations, especially among the rich and/or powerful.  This movie is some pretty danged twisted stuff.  Beautifully crafted.  It’s extremely stylized with strange use of rear projection and ADR.  But that help enhance the madness of the tale.

Branded to Kill:  “My hope is to die.”  I’ll admit it.  For quite a while I had no flippin’ idea what was going on in this movie.  Something about hitmen I guess.  One of ‘em is a useless drunk.  They drive around.  I thought with a corpse in the back seat, but it turns out the guy wasn’t dead.  Or there was another guy.  I don’t know.  And I have no idea what happened during the big shoot-out around the 15 minute mark.  The geography of the scene didn’t make any sense I could figure.  And what’s Puffy Cheeks’ deal?  Again.  I don’t know.  He sure likes rice, though.  And sexin’ the ladies.  The sex scenes are pretty weird and wild.  Watching this, I have to wonder, did the Japanese audiences watching it when it hit theaters think it was as crazy as I?  I’m guessing yes.  I’ve seen enough Japanese movies from that time to have a pretty good idea that this would have been strange no matter the viewer’s native tongue/culture.

    “You’re going to fire me at a planet?  That’s your plan?”  I started off the week with the first disk of the new Doctor Who’s seventh season.  The new series is its own monster.  I like it, but it sometimes feels like its emotional extremity is wound up to such a crazy level that it loses its impact.  I salute them for going for it, but occasionally toning it down to 11 might help balance the series out.  I was glad to see the return, in a way, of the Silurians.  They’re one of my favorite, infrequently recurring (sometime) foes.  And hey, Farscape’s Ben Browder shows up as a Western town sheriff.

    Reading a good history book can be thrilling.  Seeing the connections between seemingly unrelated events, piecing together a deeper understanding of places and peoples, how things came about, why some people are famous and remembered, while others languish in obscurity.  History can be amazing.  I’ve developed quite a taste for reading about it.  But it can also become danged depressing.  Seeing all the times the world was on the right track, that things were building to something amazing, only to be dashed by some wave of religious zealotry or ethnically motivated violence (usually both).  It becomes somewhat grim.  Removed from the events by time and with my modern perspective I want to grab these people by their jerkins and shake them until they wake up to the stupidity of what they’re going to do.  Without really noticing it, and because my interests were hopping between different subjects and time periods, over the last couple years I read almost exclusively history, memoir, and philosophy.  I’d moved away from another subject near and dear to my heart, science, specifically technology.  In fact, one of the only science books I’ve read recently was The Greatest Show on Earth, which was an excellent discussion of the up to date understanding of biology.  Not a lot about technology in there, beyond those things that allow us to gain deeper understanding of how biology works.  So, without realizing it, I think I’d put myself into an intellectual funk.  Reading so much history started making me feel bad.  I became so frustrated with humanity and all its many mistakes and stupidities that I was getting pretty blue.  A couple weeks back, I was looking at my book shelves and saw a book I’d picked up a year or so ago, The Vertical Farm.  “I haven’t read a science book in a while,” I thought.  Oh, man.  What a cathartic relief.  I need to remember to throw in something like this every once in a while to balance out my other reading.  A positive, future looking book about things we are doing and can do to improve ourselves and our world.  And a reminder that while there is still plenty of darkness in the world, today really is the best time in this history of humankind.  There has never been a more peaceful, enlightened, connected, free time ever.  Does everyone enjoy it?  No.  But more people do than ever have before.  And it can get better.  Riding that high, I wasn’t ready to come down.  After so many books about various times humanity dropped the ball, I needed a bit more about picking it up and running with it.  So I grabbed another book off the shelf, The Department of Mad Scientists.  Even better.  A look at some of the amazing strides we’ve made in the last 50 years, and hints at some of those on the horizon.  The world has so much potential for getting better and better.  I’m glad I live now, as opposed to before.  But part of me wishes I lived later.  Which I think is why I’ve come to embrace a degree of immortality.  I want to see what comes next, and then, and then.  Where will we be in 50 years, 100 years, 10,000 years?  What will humanity have become?  I want to find out.  And if these DARPA folk and others like them keep pushing boundaries, maybe I’ll live to find out.

-Matt

An Open Letter to the makers of the New Star Wars Films

To the Powers That Be at Disney,

    No, no, no.  Relax.  This is not another snotty, Comic Book Guy post, complaining that C3P0 is going to want to be a real boy, or that Buzz Lightyear will be the main character of the next movie, or that Leia is not a Disney Princess.  Unlike many people on the internet, I do know that a studio famous for certain things is capable of doing other things.  Plus, the Star Wars films were danged kids’ movies (or family-friendly, anyway) in the first place.  So, what’s the problem really, super-fans?  This letter consists of a few suggestions from one lone voice of nerdiness, one Dork who has spent a lifetime with the universe of Star Wars as part of his mythological pantheon.  I’m not one of those guys who tries to live by the Force.  I don’t have a Slave Leia poster on my wall.  And while I don’t care for the Prequel Trilogy or the CG manipulated versions of the original films, I did actually like a lot about The Phantom Menace (It’s a gorgeous movie, people.  Look at it!).  I’ve never subscribed to the idea that one must like either Star Wars or Star Trek.  I like ’em both, and Babylon 5, Farscape, Battlestar Galactica, and Firefly to boot.  I have plenty of space in my nerd heart for all (I even like Middle Earth, even though I’m not much for wizards and dragons).  But I feel I need to stand up on my tiny little soapbox have my say.

    In my previous letter to the creative team behind the rumored Star Trek TV series, I suggested that step one in the process should always be to look at the property and assess what it is really about.  What is that thing that makes it stand out, that gives it its essential identity.  With Star Trek, I contend that it is hope for the future of humanity (and life in general), wonder at the vastness and cosmic beauty of space, and a cautious optimism about technology and science, and that all this ‘let’s make it darker, let’s show lots of war, etc.’ stuff is muddying the waters and diluting the essential nature of Trek.  But what is Star Wars?  Is it about Jedi Knights battling to restore balance to the universe?  Is it about fathers and sons, family destinies, etc.?  Is it about people living on the fringes, fighting against insurmountable odds?  I’ll tell you what it meant to me.  It was a glimpse into realms of the imagination.  I was transported to exotic locations, saw strange creatures and stranger people.  Interesting characters like wise Old Ben, sleazy Han Solo, smooth Lando, driven Leia became role models of a kind.  Leia was one (thankfully, of many) female characters in movies of my youth that defied gender roles and showed that a woman didn’t have to be constantly rescued by a man, but could do plenty on her own.  Han showed me that one might have a rough exterior, so long as one remained true to one’s self and did the right thing when the chips were down.  And even though I don’t like a lot about Return of the Jedi, or for that matter, the whole story of Darth Vader being Luke’s father (I much prefer him just being a villain with no ties to the protagonist beyond opposing ideologies), I do love the redemptive arc; the idea that as bad as he was and as awful as the things he did were, a man could find some little slice of redemption.  But what it all came down to was stickin’ it to the Man.  No, my ship’s hallways aren’t gonna be clean.  No, my hero isn’t going to get the girl.  Yeah, Han shot that dude.  In cold blood.  ‘Cause it was the right thing to do in that circumstance.  And yeah, he is a little too short to be a Storm Trooper.  Take that, suits.  Star Wars don’t take no guff.

    Star Wars had its roots firmly planted in the storytelling of a different time.  It harkened back to Edgar Rice Burroughs’ A Princess of  Mars and its sequels, to Buster Crabbe’s Flash Gordon serials, and to the pulp science fiction of C.L. Moore’s Northwest Smith stories and the like, and the Golden Age science fiction of Asimov’s Foundation books.  These were books marked by bold visions, wild and untamed imagination, grand imagery, and daring adventure.  Rogues and visionaries, self-made heroes.  Sweeping stories, packed with action and melodramatic relationships.  Swashbuckling and ray-guns.  Rocket ships and robots.  Strange vistas and exotic women.  And obviously, when you look at the Empire (not to mention a lot of the technology), a level of World War II seeped into much of the series, with its crushing jackboots, resistance fighters, and average people caught up in the waves of history.  It helped to break the image of the science fiction as being soulless, pristine hallways, and Spartan, monochromatic rooms.  It visualized what had been in the literature for a long time, that when humans go into space, they will bring all their habits with them, not always sweeping the floor, cleaning off the table, repainting that part of the wall by the door, leaving the dirty laundry laying around, etc.  It’s a world that looks like it’s being lived in, not one long day at the office.

    So, what do I want to see in new Star Wars films?  Well, I don’t really need to see Luke, Leia, Vader, or any of them again.  Their story is done.  It’s over.  We’ve seen  it.  It’s been told.  I’m not saying ignore them; clearly they should have had a profound effect on the galaxy.  But just as I wouldn’t want every movie about the 60s to be about Bob Dylan, and I wouldn’t want every movie about cops to be about Eliot Ness, and I wouldn’t want every movie set in the Star Trek universe to be about Worf, I don’t want or need every Star Wars film to be about the Skywalker clan.  It’s a big universe, filled with infinite potential.  New characters and new locations, and new stories, that’s what I want.  And don’t ever, ever, ever go back to Tatooine.  It was supposed to be the back-end of nowhere, a place so outside of the flow of the galaxy that a powerful Force adept could hide out without worry, the son of a Republic hero could live a quiet life, and there was little to no chance of ever being stumbled across.  Yet, five out of the six films visit that backwater nowhere (is it simply coincidence that the film generally considered to be the best in the series is the one movie that doesn’t take time out to visit Tatooine?).  And everything that has ever happened in the history of the galaxy seems to have involved that one desert world at least once.  What gives?  And avoid the traps of Avatar and Episodes II and III.  Don’t spend tons of money, time, and effort on recreating environments you could just fly to.  A desert?  A jungle?  We have those here on Earth.  Let’s see things we don’t have.  Not even saying don’t go to jungles or deserts, but make them exotic, make them unique.  Change the color of the sky, the ground, the plants.  Give them distinct features we won’t recognize as North Africa, Australia, or Brazil.  Avatar cost what, 300 million?  600 million?  An episode of the last season of Farscape cost what turned out to be a prohibitively expensive 1 million, and in an hour of that show I felt like I had visited an alien world with strange creatures and people I’d never experienced, not taken a trip to Costa Rica or Brazil with the cast of Terminator 2.  Imagination is the key, and maybe that really does require younger voices, younger directors and script-writers.  Often, older filmmakers play it too safe, rely too much on experience.  And if there is ever need of an illustration of necessity being the mother of invention, look at hard at Avatar, a movie where money was not an issue, where the best and brightest had everything they could ever want to put together a movie, and what did we get?  A long, un-engaging retelling of Fern Gully with environments, people, creatures, and technology we’d all seen before in other films, video games, etc.  Not an inventive or surprising element in the whole danged thing.  A lower budget isn’t a bad thing.  It forces creativity and invention.  Not only that, but when the financial stakes are lower, the freedom to take chances is higher.  And taking chances is how classics are made.  It’s how Star Wars was made.

    Let’s see a return to the action packed, visually striking, idea packed fun of Star Wars (before it was A New Hope) and the serious, high-stakes storytelling of The Empire Strikes Back.  Interesting characters with surprising motivations.  Strange worlds and unique locations.  Creative and alien peoples.  Look to the Clone Wars animated series, which has more interesting ideas packed into an average episode than the entirety of Episodes II or III.  Look to other science fiction shows, like Farscape, which managed to capture that magic of the first Star Wars film week after week for four seasons.  Or the operatic storytelling of Babylon 5, which could rise above primitive CGI and wildly uneven acting to be one of the best emotion packed science fiction epics out there.  Star Trek and Star Wars helped to reshape science fiction.  And after the success of Star Wars, countless films hit theaters, shows hit the small screen, and books hit the shelves.  Some of them took inspiration from Star Wars and went further, became more, became something better.  Don’t be afraid to look to these sources, look at what they did, and try to raise the bar again.  And hey, while I’m talking about things I want to see, let me just throw out a few things I really, really don’t want to see.  I don’t want to see vaguely racist stereotype aliens, like those pseudo-Asian Trade Federation guys (I kept expecting one to say ‘Me so solly’), or the Manton Moorland style antics of Jar-Jar Binks (I know he’s a popular target of ridicule, but there’s a reason for that, he seems like he stepped right out of a 1930s comedy where people might show up in blackface), and maybe a new trilogy shouldn’t feature only one prominent role for a black man…who is also pretty much the only non-Caucasian person (Lando in the originals, Windu in the prequels) with any significant screen time.  And lastly, stay away from kid characters.  Unless there’s a very good reason.  Nobody likes kid characters.  Nobody has ever liked kid characters.  The kid is the least popular and most reviled character in pretty much every science fiction series out there that features one.  Kids don’t like ‘em (Who was my favorite character in the original Star Wars movies?  Han Solo.  Who was my favorite character on Next Gen?  Worf or maybe Picard.  Who was my favorite character in the prequel trilogy?  Obi-Wan.  Who were my least favorites?  Respectively Luke, Wesley, and Anakin.).  Adults hate ‘em.  They’re almost never written well (“Are you an angel?”).  They’re usually the center of the most insufferable moments.  So don’t do it.  Just scrap that part of the story.  Everyone will be happier.

    So far, I think the most interesting time created for the Star Wars universe is still that of Imperial rule.  What the Dark Horse comics term as The Rise of the Empire and the Rebellion Era.  But that doesn’t mean filmmakers should stick with that.  Maybe there will be other, more interesting times.  Maybe a really good story set in the Nights of the Old Republic would work.  Or, and I doubt this, something set in the so called New Republic time.  Who can say.  But if the movies are used to explore the time of the Rebellion in greater depth and scope, I don’t think I’ll be disappointed.

    So what is Star Wars?  Like so many works of art, it varies from viewer to viewer.  But I think it’s about fun, wild, exuberant action, exciting and exotic locations, and relatable but not necessarily nice characters.  It’s about standing up for what’s right against the weight of a galaxy spanning evil.  It’s about the power of the little guy to fight the system.  It’s about all the shades of grey that exist between good and evil.  Please, do what J.J. Abrams did for Star Trek.  Make it fun to be a fan of Star Wars again.  Make me look forward to the next film with unabashed anticipation, not wary trepidation (actually, that’s how I’m looking forward to the new Trek film, so maybe don’t follow Abrams’ example).  Look back to what made Star Wars a cultural phenomena.  It wasn’t little kids, hammy acting (well, there was plenty of hammy acting), or CGI.  It was fun and new and grand and exciting.  And it was full of hinted at ideas and larger things beyond what the camera showed.  It captured and inspired the imagination.  Let’s see some of that again, OK?  I know you can do it, Disney.  You have Pixar, which has created some of the best family-friendly movies of the last two decades.  You have done what nobody believed possible and made a series of comic book movies that feel like the comic books they’re based on.  You’ve got money, power, and talented people.  And now you’ve got one of the most coveted, beloved franchises of all time.  But like Star Trek before it, the fans have been put through the ringer and they’re kind of hurt and sad.  Help us out, and don’t screw this up.

Thank you for your time.
-Matthew J. Constantine, Star Wars fan since the late 70s.

Matt’s Week in Dork! (11/11/12-11/17/12)

    As my job takes up more of my time and energy during this season, I’ve done little of note this week, other than passing out early most nights.  A little reading, and not much else.  Other than, of course, the movies.


Skyfall:  The newest adventure of James Bond take our hero to the brink of death and back again, making him question the very nature of what he does and those to whom he owes allegiance.  The movie doesn’t reinvent the wheel, but I didn’t need or expect it to.  It’s a solid, enjoyable entry in the venerable series, and Daniel Craig continues to put in the best performance as Bond since Connery.  It continues to be mostly gadget free, with dirty fist fights and occasional gunplay.  And dang, but Naomie Harris was gorgeous.

Armitage: Dual Matrix:  The English dub on this is all kinds of deep hurting.  Juliette Lewis is as hard to listen to.  And the other usual suspects of English dubbing are as awful as always (holy crap the little kid is just dreadful).  Switching to the Japanese is suggested.  As far as the movie and its story go, meh.  Pretty typical anime with all the usual character designs running through all the expected hoops.  I’ve seen worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.

Faceless:  Helmut Berger is the effete plastic surgeon.  Brigitte Lahaie is his murderous companion.  Lots of stuff about plastic surgery and kidnapping young women.  Lots of bad dubbing and worse Chris Mitchum.  Will the blood and flesh of young women fix the face of Berger’s crazy acid-face sister?  Who cares.  The music is killer, and the editing even more abrasive.  And why does a maggot covered, severed head make the sound of someone opening a bag of chips?  I’m pretty sure they don’t make a sound at all.  And I’m quite sure that if they did, that wouldn’t be it.  This is probably the best Jess Franco film I’ve seen.  It’s OK.

Dr. No:  Sean Connery is a charming bastard in this, the first of the venerable James Bond franchise.  While not the first actor to play Bond, he certainly made his mark on the character and became the gold standard by whom all future actors would (and will) be judged.  Bond travels to an exotic location, beds several exotic women, drives some stylish cars, wears some stylish suits, kills with brutality, and looks good doing it.  The sets and designs are fantastic.

Tobor the Great:  Science!  The whole movie keeps making you think it’s going to turn into a ‘robot rampage’ film, but being made in the 50s, when science could still be used for good in film, it never does.  It does have some of those dastardly communists looking to snatch the secret of telepathic robot control.  Nothing really amazing here, but it’s a fun bit of Science! fiction of that era.  The robot (Tobor…you see, it’s robot spelled backward) is cool.

Bad Inclination:  Well, the name kind of sums it up.  It’s a bad inclination to keep seeking out these movies.  I know that, but I do it anyway.  It’s an attempt at homage to the 70s gore/murder films of the Italian ‘masters.’  As such, it’s fair.  But it also points out how that genre/style of film was limited and rather silly.  A few moderately attractive starlets get murdered.  Lots of amazingly awkward dubbing with very, very weird vocabulary.  A few twists, but none very interesting.

Witchery:  “Witches and rainbows and s#!t.”  When the acting titans Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff come together, the cosmic energies they release can only produce works of amazing amazingness.  Lots of amazing actors, from the hideous old lady who seems to suffer a stroke every time she speaks, to the slow-talking kid, to the kind of drunk, slurry Catherine Hickland.  Hasselhoff’s creepy pressure on his virgin girlfriend to give it up…pure class.  A half hour in, and I was checking my watch.  Anything gonna happen?  Anybody gonna notice the slow kid wandered off?  Or that the pregnant woman is going into fits?  No.  ‘Cause that might mean something would happen.  Where did they dig up all these hideous actors?  When Hasselhoff is too good for a movie, which he is, you know it’s a turd.  Was this a TV movie?  I guess not, as there is eventually some nudity.  Maybe Canadian TV?  Whatever the case, by an hour in, I was just begging it to stop.

"My bay-bay!"

Steel Dawn: “You don’t make me puke.”  Zen Master Patrick Swayze and blonde beauty Brion James battle evil after the fall of Man.  This low budget crap is still oddly charming for all its hack imitation of better films.  You won’t mistake this for The Road Warrior, but if you’re in the mood for one of the countless retreads that came after it, this one is better than many.

Blades of Glory:  “The night is a very dark time for me.”  Yes.  It’s as stupid as the previews made it look.  It’s also pretty darned funny.  It embraces the weirdness and silliness of competitive figure skating, then mixes in the usual antics of modern comedy.  Is it going on the list of great comedies?  No.  But good for a laugh or two none the less.

Doctor Who: Attack of the Cybermen:  Back to Earth, the Doctor and Peri run afoul of diamond thieves and Cybermen.  As usual with Doctor Who, several excellent character actors show up and Peri gets menaced.  Some of the Doctor’s past comes back to haunt him.  There are a lot of interesting ideas in this one, and some odd characters (those two hoodlum slaves trying to get into Cyber-Control; what was up with them?).  Lytton, once an agent of the Daleks is an interesting character, with a lot of implied adventures in his past.  A good story, and Colin Baker seems much more comfortable in his role.

Men Who Stare at Goats:  “I find drinking helps.”  A story of war, the US military, and a bunch of madmen.  Jedi warriors, warrior monks, superheroes.  A journalist, a crack-pot ex-military guy, a desert full of people with itchy trigger fingers, and a story so crazy it might be true…sort of.  It’s a lot of fun.  But it’s all very, very weird.

    I started watching Magic City, which is kind of like Boardwalk Empire meets Mad Men in late 50s Miami.  I like stars Jeffery Dean Morgan and Olga Kurylenko, but unlike both previously mentioned shows, I did not feel immediately transported to another time and place.  And sadly, much of the rest of the cast, especially the brooding sons, do nothing to keep me interested.  The show sure does have a lot of nudity.  But at the end of the day, Miami just doesn’t interest me, even Miami of the late 50s.

    And I hammered through a couple more disks of Farscape.  I remember being more bummed at the loss of one of the key characters when it was first on.  But with this viewing of the show, I found her less interesting.  More a bunch of unrealized story potentials.  The rest of the show, though.  Dang it’s crazy.

    Friday night Lisa hosted another meeting of her graphic novel group.  This time we read Invincible (a collection of the first 13 issues).  It was fun hearing other people talk about how surprised they were by the betrayal and tonal shift of the comic.  What feels like a standard, easy-going superhero comic turns into a much more complex, much darker comic, where not everyone is what they seem.

    On Saturday, I finally got around to reading some more comics.  Brad passed off a bunch to me, some of which are less than thrilling.  X-Men Legacy #1 was first up.  I feel like there’s a cool concept with Prof. X’s son being some kind of tormented super-being.  But the dialog is crap, which sinks the whole thing.

    Next up was Iron Man #1.  First thing to know is, I don’t give two shakes about Iron Man.  He’s not a character I’ve ever found interesting in comics or movies, really.  On top of that, Brad, who is generally a Marvel fan didn’t sing the praises of this issue.  So, it was something of a surprise to enjoy it, if only mildly.  I think Tony Stark is conceptually an interesting character, and Extremis a potentially cool threat.  And unlike Brad, I thought the art was actually pretty good.  Not amazing, but good.  As always with Marvel and DC books, this has the status quo hanging around its neck, so any really good ideas will never be taken to the places story demands.  Eventually everything that happens will be made moot and returned to the bland base-line.

    Another one of those characters I don’t care much about is Thor, yet I ended up liking the Thor movie best of the new Marvel films, and I’ve recently read several excellent Thor comics.  I’m kind of amazed at how much I’ve been liking Thor recently.  And this new issue, Thor: God of Thunder #1 is very intriguing.  A story progressing in three eras, from Earth’s past, across the universe of today, and into the deep future of Asgard.  I like the art.  I like the writing.  And I’m very interested in seeing what happens next.

    I’ve been putting together a soundtrack for a story I’m working on again (one I love, but is very, very hard).  So, I’ve been listening to a bunch of stuff.  Really hooked on Regina Spektor and the Hanna score, among others.  I’ve found that listening to music of various types can keep me focused or refocused on the writing.

-Matt

Matt’s Week in Dork! (11/4/12-11/10/12)

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading, writing, and odds & ends research this week.  I’m also getting very antsy about the fact that I haven’t hosted a game night in a long time.  All the more antsy because several people have been on my case about it lately.  I’ve got to look at doing one soon.  But with the season upon us, schedules are not on our side.  Anyway, to the movies, etc.


Farscape Season 2:  Scorpius makes for a heck of a lot better villain to overshadow our heroes’ lives.  And this season ramps up the horror and villainy.  But it also cranks up the wild heroics and completely bugnuts daring do.  And what’s wrong with John?  How often do you have a show where your central lead may have gone completely insane?  The show doesn’t always avoid cliché, though it often turns it on its head.  And these first couple seasons do pull some punches (some) as they find ways around dramatically changing or removing characters.  But that’s not to say things don’t change or evolve.  But the return of Scorpius and the fall of Crais does signal a change in more than just the face of villainy, but the very heart of the show.  Season one was kind of disjointed, the writers clearly not having a handle on either the direction the show would take, or on who the characters essentially were.  By the end, things had started to coalesce.  With season two it is clear that the characters are more understood and that there is a more directed vision behind the scenes.  The characters begin driving the stories to a much greater degree, as opposed to stumbling into them (not that they don’t stumble into a lot).

The Ninth Gate:  Though it bares little resemblance to the book upon which it is based (The Club Dumas), this movie about a book detective and a mysterious satanic text is a cool caper film, steeped in European style.  It’s very strange how this movie has grown on me, after being severely disappointed in it upon first viewing.  Now it’s a staple, semi-annual viewing.  Great score, awesome look, and good performances, especially from a lot of the supporting cast.

Missile to the Moon:  Not at all one of the better 50s rocket ship adventure movies.  A couple of interesting twists can’t make up for its otherwise repetitive story.  But, the rock creatures on the surface of the Moon are cool.  I really like them.  Otherwise, meh.  Easily skipped.

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us:  Hey, you know what sucks?  It feels like the screenplay was based off someone’s D&D game, with all the cliché characters and bad high school ‘cool’ dialog.  The werewolf hunting team even starts out at the inn.  Yup.  The inn.  They try to crank up the gore, but that doesn’t make it more interesting.  This movie gets suckier and suckier as it sucks its way through Suck Town.   (Suck Town is a small hamlet just outside of Milwaukie, Wisconsin.  It was founded in the late 1700s by fur trappers from France).  The movie has a couple twists and turns, but none are especially unexpected.

Soldier:  Perhaps not the most subtle film, this is still a cool sci-fi flick with a great stone-faced performance from Kurt Russell.  He does more with his eyes in this movie than Marlon Brando did with all his mugging and sweating in any ten films.  The story is simple, the action good but not especially inspired, and the music keeps sounding like cribbed parts of the Aliens score.  Yet, I can’t help but enjoy this movie from start to finish.  And it’s got a great cast of ‘that guy’ actors, which I always enjoy.

The Amazing Spider-Man:  Gah.  OK, I’m not a fan of the first three movies.  1 was OK, 2 was a bit better, and 3 was appalling.  And doing a remake/reboot of a franchise within a decade of the first seems…I don’t know.  Stupid, certainly.  Unnecessary.  Weird.  Lots of other adjectives.  There’s nothing new here.  It’s just another boring origin story like every other (and like we’ve already seen with this character).  It has a better cast, but they’re mostly unused.  Campbell Scott?  What, two lines and gone?  Bah.  Andrew Garfield makes me want to bash him with a hammer almost every time he speaks, and while I’ve liked Emma Stone in pretty much everything else I’ve seen her in, I couldn’t stand her in this.  Their relationship is almost as awkward and chemistry-free as those two in the Star Wars prequels.  Rhys Ifans is phoning in his villainous role, as are many others.  The CG sucks almost as bad as in the previous three films.  And Spiderman is such a relentless, annoying dick that I don’t want him to succeed at any point.  Frankly, I’d rather the reptile scientist win at the end of the day.  Skip this.  Watch some other comic based movie instead.  Was it as bad as the third movie?  No.  But it wasn’t good.

Fascination:  A creepy blonde dude screws over some bad folk and goes on the run.  Finding a beautiful home with two beautiful women sets him up for some of the usual Jean Rollin style goings on, with naked women everywhere, threats of violence, odd behavior, and beautiful location shooting.  It has pretty good technical level for Rollin and a somewhat coherent plot (if thin).  And this is probably the best appearance of his frequent collaborator, Brigitte Lahaie.  Her walking around with the scythe; that’s some iconic imagery, that’s what that is.

Films of Fury:  I could have dealt without the animated narration bit.  This very surface documentary is really more of a highlight reel.  It gives you but a taste of a much, much larger subject, and consequently doesn’t go anywhere near as deep as I would have liked.  Still, it does make me hungry to watch a bunch of the movies it shows clips of.  If you’re just getting into martial arts movies, it’s a nice brief intro lesson.

The Secret of Sweet Sixteen:  “Satan has no sense of humor!”  Euro sleaze!  I love the look of these movies.  Technically, they’re generally awful, with bad editing, horrible dubbing, and stupid stories.  But beyond the obvious charms of pretty women taking their clothes off, the glimpse back in time they provide is fascinating.  Cars, fashion, and just the general look of European cities of that era.  The voice work in this one is especially dreadful, but delightfully so.  The disk also features Looking Good.  Holy crap.  Holy crap.  Seriously.  Holy crap.  I imagine this is what Italian TV looks like to this day.  This is just an exercise video, made kind of awesome by the horrible voice over and ridiculously overt sexuality (even for exercise videos).  Euro sex kitten Laura Gemser sits in a chair reading a book while a bunch of stripper/dancers cavort about in what looks like a high school gym, while awful 80s music drones on.  The moves look like something porn performers would do for warm-ups.  And dude!  They do the robot!  It’s excruciating.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox:  “That’s just weak song writing.  You wrote a bad song, Petey.” Wes Anderson turns his weird eye to stop motion animation in this tale of animals pulling a heist on some evil farmers.  Weird characters, strange situations, and all the awkward pauses you expect from his live action work translates perfectly to the world of Roald Dahl.  It’s funny, cute, clever, and all the things that can be great about family friendly entertainment.  I find it interesting that it does such a good job of showing what it’s like to be a man these days; confused by what society expects and what genetic demands; wanting to be important, even if only to the ones he loves, but with little in the way of obvious outlets for excellence.

    With a powerful hunger for some more space opera, I figured I should get back into watching Farscape.  I left off at the beginning of season 2, which is really where it starts getting awesome (not that season 1 wasn’t good).  This is the kind of shameless, balls out, over the top, crazy idea, insane situation science fiction that is so danged rare on TV and almost non-existent on the big screen.  The show is so strange, pushing any kind of boundary or expectation, taking the characters through ringer after ringer.  At times it almost feels like a science fiction Simpsons, not because it’s funny (though it often is), but because I find myself scratching my head and thinking “how the heck did they ever come up with this stuff.”  The chain of people who had to say “yes” in order for this to appear on screen is amazing.  I cranked through season 2 and got a few episodes into season 3.  Now, if I can just get co-Dork Brad to watch this show.  Alas.

    I also read Philip Reeve’s book, A Web of Air.  It’s the second book in the Fever Crumb trilogy, which is a prequel to his fantastic four book series now called ‘Predator Cities’ (formerly ‘Hungry Cities;’ was it changed to avoid confusion with Hunger Games?  I don’t know).

    I’ve also been playing around with the roleplaying game Diaspora.  The original reason for starting game nights was to eventually assemble a solid group of players for a regular roleplaying game.  As schedules and other things became an issue, that kind of evaporated.  But it’s still in the back of my head.  And man, I’d love to give Diaspora a go.  But it’s definitely a game I’d need the right players for, as it’s very, very group driven.  The whole group works to design the setting, and the various relationships between characters and societies.  But it could be just the thing for my space opera sweet tooth.  Diaspora, Ars Magica, Star Trek, Call of Cthulhu, and Middle Earth.  Those are the things I’m really itching to run right now.  But each poses different problems.  And trying to get a group together that can meet with anything like the frequency and regularity I want will likely continue to be a major problem.

-Matt