Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Fistful of Hest! (Brad's Picks)

Hest Fest XII has come to a close.  To celebrate ITMOD is giving you their Top Five moments of Charlton Heston manliness.  Look at that photo above, tell me you're not gonna let his people go after he comes at ya with that badass axe.  Listen up Pharaohs!  (But I must warn that there is at least one major spoiler below).

5.  The Many Early 90s Cameos:  My introduction to the manliness of Heston did not come with Planet of the Apes or Ben Hur.  No, it came with a string of memorable cameos in a batch of quintessential 90s films from my youth.  From Arnold's one-eyed boss in True Lies, to the Good Actor in Wayne's World 2, to the kindly rancher Henry Hooker in Tombstone, and to the greedy publisher that sends Sam Neil In The Mouth of Madness.  It's with these tiny moments of oddball character that led young Brad to the badass smackdowns found within Soylent Green and The Omega Man...

4.  Heston Finds A Real War (Major Dundee):  Charton Heston's disgraced Union Warden marches his men and his prisoners into Hellish Mexico to hunt and slaughter Apache savages.  But he finds his real war when he not-so-accidentally embarrasses a regiment of French soldiers.  Real War is discovered, and dozens of men must pay for Heston's wounded machismo.  Not as great as Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch or Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia but Major Dundee is well worth your attention.

3.  Heston's Christ Blood Will Save Humanity (The Omega Man):  This might not be Richard Matheson's I Am Legend, but The Omega Man is an incredibly entertaining bit of 70s schlock in which Heston's Last Man must battle hooded plague mutants night after night.  Lots of fire and lots of machine gun rat-a-tat-tat.  The film's only hope rests inside the DNA of Heston's own blood, and his legend will be the new messiah...or the nightmares of the hooded plague mutants' children.

2.  Heston Smashes, Bashes, and Airlifts Chuck Connors & Paula Kelly (Soylent Green):  This film is not just about the revelatory climax.  Really, it's just a simple police procedural that leads to global conspiracy...and one monstrous fight between Heston, Chuck Connors, and the vicious Paula Kelly.  Heston smashes, bashes, and eventually airlifts Chuck Connors with one straight kick to the groin.  It's an epic beatdown worthy of similar cinematic beatdowns like the ones found in They Live or The Scalphunters.

1.  Heston Climaxes With A Monkey--er, Chimp Kiss (Planet of the Apes):  And here's another film that's not just about it's "twist ending."  Planet of the Apes is one of my all time favorite films.  But what's my favorite moment from the flick?  The "Madhouse?"  The "Damned Dirty Apes?"  No, it's the moment after Heston has lead a revolution of science and guns against Dr. Zaius' wicked religion and he gives Zira a nice kiss of thanks. She's disgusted by his ugliness...or is she?


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