Matt’s Week in Dork! (3/24/13-3/30/13)

    On Monday night I went to see a school play directed by the Bride of Dork, Lisa.  Cute stuff.  School plays are a fascinating thing.  I remember doing a couple performances as a kid.  It was super stressful and extremely difficult.  But I look back and think how easy everything was and how little it mattered.  I wish I’d been able to simply enjoy it.  But I couldn’t when I was that age.


Olympus Has Fallen:  OK, I know this is a broken record here, but seriously, they’ve got to stop using CGI blood in action movies.  It NEEDS to stop.  This had the potential to be a really fun 80s style crazy action movie.  There are hundreds of acts of violence, but the CG robs them of their power.  It’s still fun, but not nearly as much as it should be.  And frankly, the final act doesn’t live up to the jingoistic silliness of the first half.  If only the villain could have been stabbed with an American flag, or at least be killed in front of a painting of Washington or something.  But the finale ends up being more generic shooting and punching.  It’s an extremely dumb movie, but it was mildly enjoyable.  With bloody squibs going off, it could have been much better.

Doctor Who: Season 7 Part 1:  “1938.  We just bounced off it.”  I’m still having fun watching this show.  But, it has some flaws, and those flaws are becoming more profound.  Part of the problem is a lack of grounding; a melodramatic streak that gets wider by the episode keeps shooting over the top so many times it has become like the proverbial boy who called wolf.  At some point, the cry ceases to be scary or impressive.  The rousing speeches and sudden resets after the story has been written into a corner steal the impact of any later dangers.  It all becomes too easy to fix.  A third of the population dies in an instant?  Wave a magic wand (sonic screwdriver) and suddenly, all is well.  Really?  Any drama is eroded by that kind of thing.  Again, the show is fun, but I’d like to see some changes; maybe writing staff, companions, tone.  I’m not sure.  While I don’t want a return to ‘the way things were,’ I’d like a return of some of the things that made the show successful.  I want crazy ideas, yes.  That’s Who.  But I also want interesting characters and plots, where danger feels real and the potential for failure (no matter how slight) feels like a possibility.  The Weeping Angels episode from this season was better than the previous.  I didn’t like the one (season 6?) where you actually saw them move.  They’re much creepier when you see them from the perspective of their victims, always frozen when you look at ‘em.  But otherwise, there weren’t any particular standout episodes.  Not really.  The dinosaur episode was amusing, but I wanted more Silurians and less friends from history.   I found the exit of Amy and Rory a bit of a letdown.  It’s OK.  There have been much worse.  But it left me cold.  Probably just an echo of my general feelings on recent seasons.  And when are they going to have a really interesting companion?  Enough with the pretty, 20 somethings who spend their time pining after the Doctor, subbing for the squeeing ladies who have (admittedly) helped propel the show into its newfound popularity.  (By the way, ladies, there are plenty of guys just as dorky around you every day, but they’re emotionally available, so you may want to keep clear).  Where is the new generation’s Jamie, or Leela, or Romana (I or II), or Vicki?  Martha and Rory are probably the best new companions, and they’re good.  But why do we have to keep meeting their family, and how about someone who isn’t from today’s UK?  After tantalizing us with Jack and River, even a few crazy possibilities like that girl stuck in a Dalek body, they’ve never lived up by giving the Doctor someone really wild to partner with.  In the classic run, he’s had two future dwelling super-geniuses, a savage girl from a failed human colony, a math wiz from another dimension, a Highlander, and a Time Lord (two regenerations worth), among others.  The new show could use something like that.  And a bit of restraint on the melodrama.  And an end of magic wand waving/reset button finales.

Onmyoji:  “I hear you have quite impressive skills.”  Demon haunted ancient Japan is in trouble.  It’s up to the Onmyoji, a bunch of astrologer/wizard/priests who like to smile at each other to save the world from all those danged monsters.  They smoke a lot of scrolls in the combating of evil.  There’s some weirdass crap for sure.  An interesting look into the more fantastic, magical side of the Samurai myths and stories.  This is some Twin Peaks Red Lodge kind of crazy stuff.

Magnum P.I. Season 2:  “Higgie Baby!”  Oh, man.  I just love this show.  The cast is so much fun to watch.  The wink & a smile stories and infrequent but well used Fourth Wall breaks, along with healthy helpings of early 80s cheese, make it intoxicatingly watchable.  I especially love episodes when Higgins gets in on the action.  The typical exasperated interplay between him and Magnum is great.  But when they work together the adventures are that much more fun.  Whenever the Magnum theme starts playing, I can’t help but have a giant smile on my face.

2010:  “Something is going to happen…Something wonderful.”  Destined to be a letdown, thanks to the all consuming love of the first film held by most cinefiles, 2010 is actually a very good, fairly realistic science fiction film.  It’s well made, well acted, and well written.  A great companion to movies like Alien, Outland, etc.  It obviously did not deliver what fans of 2001 wanted, but I think it delivered the goods, none the less.  Go in with an open mind and I think you’ll enjoy it just fine.  The last act is a bit iffy, but not bad.  Also, is Max gonna be a new Star Child?  And I do like that Time cover that shows the US and Russian leaders.

Ronan Gai:  “Samurai noodles!”  This homage to classic Samurai films does an excellent job of capturing the look and feel those venerable, violent epics of the 60s and 70s.  You would never guess it was made in the last 80s.  Four former samurai have fallen on hard times, their honor tarnished, their purses empty, their souls broken.  The film is a sad look at people who have lost their way, lost their purpose in life.  The four leads are some of the saddest sadsacks to ever sad up a movie.  The weird murder-gang story that slowly builds over the course of the film feels random, in spite of being integral to the, uh, plot(?).  I’m not sure if it’s cultural, something about the script, or what.  But I really didn’t get half of this movie, what was going on, who was doing what, or why for a large chunk of time.  Everyone seemed to be truly awful and vile, and whatever they did seemed bad.  But that is one nutty, drunken Johnny Depp samurai fight at the end.  He’s so tired and drunk and sweaty and half naked.  Whatever the problems with the film, the ending is pretty cool.  According to the trailer, “the last 17 minutes are the biggest massacre in history!”  I think if I was a) Japanese or b) more versed in Samurai culture or film, I’d have probably understood it more.  But even so, the overall feel of the passing of an era, the collapse of a societal system, is hard to miss.  These old warriors’ time has passed, and they have nowhere to go in the new world.  Very sad.

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption:  “I smell delicious.”  The Mummy 2 hinted at some crazy fantasy adventures in the spin-off movie The Scorpion King.  Instead, we got a boring Xena episode, with pretty much no fantasy adventure at all.  Just guys with mullets and a lot of slow-mo.  The Scorpion King 2, which went straight to video, at least featured some weird elements, but they cast off the Egyptian mythology for over-used Greek stuff.  Combined with the prequel storyline, it seemed more like a Young Hercules movie than Scorpion King.  This movie tries to bring things back to the Mummy movies, if only in a few details.  There’s still precious little Egyptian mythology or weirder fantasy elements; no monsters, no gods, just a bit of magic and some resurrected warriors.  Once again, more Hercules & Xena, blending random bits of history and art from unrelated places and times.  The script is really bad, and the acting steps up to the plate, matching it swing for swing.  Like Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire (see my Week in Dork for March 3-9), this feels like somebody’s D&D group wrote a movie.  There’s way too much dialog.  A lot of scenes would have been better served by characters shutting up instead of saying especially stupid things.  Temuera Morrison and Ron Perlman show up to cash some checks.  But Billy Zane is there for other reasons.  Billy Zane is there for Art.  Sadly, the movie is really stupid.  Another chance to do a fun fantasy film squandered with bad writing and poor planning.  Also, it’s rated PG-13, so it can’t even attempt to make up for shortcomings in script with violence or T&A.  And that’s just lame.  But, when Billy Zane takes center stage as the villain, he elevates the movie to Nicolas Cage levels of class and subtlety (how much stuff does he have stashed in his crotch?).  For some reason, he seems to be playing the role as a slapstick comedian.  It’s so jarringly wrong for the movie, it somehow becomes right (could this be his On the Waterfront?).  Somehow, as stupid as the movie is, and as bad as the script is, Zane grabs it, breaks it like a wild horse, and rides it into the sunset of B-movie glory.  After this, I can see Zane dressing up in a bear suit and punching women or ranting about blood in his urine (see Nic Cage’s magnificent performances in the Wicker Man remake or Port of Call: New Orleans).  This is the Billy Zane who hangs with Derik Zoolander.  His performance alone almost makes up for how blah the rest of the film is.

    “You have no concept of the depth of my ire.”  With all this excitement, you might think I didn’t have time to start watching season 3 of Magnum P.I.  How wrong you’d be.  Shot shorts, mustache, baseball cap, sunglasses and all the cool millions of years of evolution could pack into one man’s body.  The first episode features an odd, extended sequence of TC doing his job (flying).  It’s actually pretty cool.  The scenery is amazing and it’s kind of fun to see TC just enjoying himself without Magnum messing with him.  The flashbacks get pretty intense in this one, with a bunch of racist lingo thrown around.  I’m not a fan of the flashback episodes.  But this one is so danged brutal.  And the ending.  Hardcore.  Then episode 2...Simon & Simon crossover!

Star Trek:  I’ve been a Trek fan since I was a wee lad.  My favorite of all is the original series.  So, keep that in mind when I sing this film’s praises.  While I love the original show, I’d hardly hold it up as ‘intellectual’ science fiction.  It was as much an action show as TV had in the 60s, with much more attention paid to fast moving stories and often heavy-handed morality than to well thought out scientific concepts and their ethical relationships with humanity in the future.  This film, like Wrath of Khan and First Contact, keeps the action rolling fast enough that you don’t worry about occasional logic leaps (have you watched Star Trek?  Logic leaps are not new).  It sets up an alternate timeline where Kirk’s life is drastically altered by a time event.  Ripples of that event  effect the universe in various ways, but fate seems to be determined to bring some people together.  I’m not a big fan of Kirk’s character arc in the film.  I don’t like the reluctant hero archetype, and I don’t like that they shoehorned Kirk into it.  Other than that and that the film’s plot follows the basic Wrath of Khan mold that most of the films have, I don’t have any major complaints about the movie.  It has a distinct look and feel, a solid cast who manage to avoid imitation while capturing the essence of their characters.  I would like to see filmmakers get back into space exploration and problem solving, as opposed to space battles and fist fights.  Still, if they’re gonna do action, they could do worse.

Quicksilver:  Kevin Bacon and his amazing mustache blows it hard at the stock exchange.  But through his fall he learns a life lesson, that being a bike messenger is the key to freedom.  As a warrior-poet once said, ‘breaks are death.’  Like everyone who was anyone in the 80s, he lives in a crazy unique apartment, occasionally lives via montage, and has great hair.  This has that feel, that magic feel that 80s movies had.  Some combination of the fashion, the movie making technology, I don’t know.  But it’s there.  Am I nuts or do they suddenly end up in San Francisco during a street race?  That doesn’t look like New York, and I think Alcatraz is in the background of one shot.  When I watched Premium Rush a few months back, I kept thinking how 80s it was, and kept remembering Quicksilver.  I’d never seen it, but the poster was up for years at every video rental shop around.  Premium Rush was clearly inspired by this film.  They both come from the same headspace.  I found myself enjoying this movie quite a bit.

G.I. Joe Retaliation:  After the travesty that was the first film, the powers that be must have listened to the backlash and said, ‘how about we make a movie where we actually use the property it’s based on for inspiration?’  This, unlike the first, is actually a G.I. Joe movie.  It’s like the cartoon made live-action.  The plot is ridiculous, the action silly, the resolution completely stupid.  Just like the show.  Cobra takes over the White House, old guys lend a hand, lots of stuff blows up, and Jonathan Price is clearly having the time of his life.  We finally get a real Cobra Commander doing his usual silly crap.  I could have dealt without all the ninja crap, but I never liked that in the cartoon, either.  However, I know a lot of the fans like Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes.  Me?  Meh.  The movie is stupid and silly.  And it’s exactly what I wanted.  Now there has been a G.I. Joe movie.  And about time.

Godzilla VS. Megalon:  Deep under the ocean, the white robed people of Seatopia watch interpretive dance and bow before Easter Island heads while they stew in their hatred of surface dwellers.  A couple of swell chums (and their awful voiced ward) have invented a silly looking robot with a name that really fits him (just ask them), Jet Jaguar.  When the Seatopians unleash their skyscraper handed, star headed bug monster Megalon, it’s up to size expanding Jet Jaguar to save the day.

    I finally popped Rome on.  I watched a few episodes a long time back, but never got around to watching the whole thing.  Figure I’d better get started.  HBO, man.  They make some fine shows.  If only they would get hold of something like Conan, and give it a serious take.  I feel like, in large part due to movies, we have this vision of Romans as these supremely civilized folk, where in fact, they seem to have been bloody barbarians.  Just successful ones.  Watching this series helps make real the descriptions of Rome seen from the recent Cleopatra biography.  Close, dirty, stinking, and brutal.  Its façade of civilization all surface, with a beast’s heard beneath.

Quantum of Solace:  “I don’t have any friends.”  I’ve talked a lot about my love of Daniel Craig’s take on Bond, and these new movies.  They’ve gotten back to the best things about Bond, dropping the bad.  And how cool it was that this movie didn’t try to redo Casino Royale, serving instead as a continuation of its story.  So I’m not going to go into any of that again.  Instead, I’ll just talk about a) how hot Olga Kurylenko is and b) how much I like Mathieu Amalric’s sleazy villain.  Olga Kurylenko is so hot.  I really like Mathieu Amalric as the sleazy villain.  There.  Check the movie out.

The Quiet American:  “I’m English.  I have habits.”  I know I should so something about it, but I have never read any Graham Greene.  Put him on the list.  I enjoy Brendan Fraser, in spite of all his crappy roles.  And obviously, Michael Caine is awesome.  The exceptionally awkward friendship/rivalry between the two is gut wrenching, and such an odd counterpoint to the sweep of history going on around them.  The conflict that will eventually explode into the Vietnam War grinds away while two men vie for the love of a woman.  Caine is kind of a monster, but a monster one can sympathies with.  While Fraser is aw gee shucks swell, but kind of a bastard at heart.  And Phuong…well, she might just be the most monstrous of all, beautiful on the outside, but a soulless tormentor.

Earth VS. The Spider:  “There’s a rubber glove; put it on.”  A surprisingly bloody opening sets the stage for this Atomic Age monster movie.  Cut to cute bobbysoxer Carol and her doofy boyfriend wander the downtown of Middle America.  Mike can’t help but put his foot in it, because he’s a dimwit.  Cut to Mr. Wizard’s class, full of 30 year old high school kids for a lesson in Electricity! that I’m sure will not come back to be important later.  Mike is such a dolt, you keep hoping Carol will pitch him in a bottomless grotto.  In the spider’s defense, if it hadn’t been for his web in that cave, those two dumb kids would have plunged to their death.  So, in a sense, the spider is kind of a hero.  And you can put ‘waking up a dead giant spider’ on the list of things that can be accomplished if you rock hard enough.  I’m not a fan of movies that use real animals and trick photography, so this had a pretty big strike against it on the creature front.  But there are a few effective moments.

War of the Colossal Beast:  “Get the picture?”  I hardly remember The Amazing Colossal Man, but this sequel is about on par with the silliness.  Our giant mutant is now seriously injured and seemingly mentally challenged.  I guess getting half his face blown off effected him quite a bit.  More Bert I. Gorgon MST3K fodder.

    I got in a bit more Fraggle Rock.  That’s another show that just makes me feel happy.  It’s extremely charming and good natured, without being dull or stupid.  One of the best kids shows I’ve seen in part because it doesn’t dumb things down.  If I ever had kids, this would be on the list of things I would feel good about letting them watch, as it teaches good lessons in creative ways, and is entertaining as well.

Speed Racer:  Whenever I’m down, I can just pop Speed Racer in and things feel better.  I love that this movie about racing, something I couldn’t give two shakes about, ends up being this amazing martial arts film at its heart.  This movie is about kung fu, and one young man’s quest for enlightenment.  The sweet family dynamic, Christina Ricci being as adorable as she has ever been, Matthew Fox and his suave cool Racer X.  That’s all great.  And the insane, colorful explosion of visual effects blasting at your eyes makes for a fun watch.  But at its heart is Speed learning to reach the essence of excellence, transcend skill, and become an artist.

    On Friday I tried a nearby bike path again, hoping maybe it had improved in the four years since the last time I rode it.  Sadly, no.  It’s randomly paved, often covered not in gravel but rocks, and difficult to get to.  And so far as I’ve found, it doesn’t connect with anything, so when I reach the end, I have to turn around and follow the whole thing back, instead of making a circuit, as I would prefer.  I don’t like retracing my steps on recreational bike trips.  Annoyingly, it’s also the closest one to me.  My place is in this horrible dead zone, some of the only territory in Northern Virginia that doesn’t have good biking.  I don’t like the idea that I need a car to go to a bike path.  I think the problem is that this city is old, and while there have been a few scattered attempts to modernize, it’s still basically a car town, like my hometown of Bangor.  It’s not as pedestrian/cyclist hostile as Bangor.  But it’s not friendly, either.  To the best of my knowledge, there isn’t a foot path that would allow me to walk to DC, for example.  At least, not without traveling miles and miles in a different direction first.  Even though I’m close to at least one main road that goes right into the city.

-Matt

Matt’s Week in Dork! (3/17/13-3/23/13)

    On Sunday, I got all the fixin’s to really run my new fireplace.  Then there were some technical difficulties.  That took up a chunk of the day, really.  Otherwise, I mostly worked on some writing projects.  The rest of the week was mostly filled with trying to get some sleep and recover from work.  With limited success.

In a Lonely Place:  Possibly my favorite Humphrey Bogart performance, I’ve said it before, but to me, this film strikes closest to home.  He’s playing a somewhat more extreme version of me, or at least, how I feel.  When I watched it the first time, it felt kind of gut-punching.  On top of that, his relationship with Gloria Grahame is somehow charming and ugly at the same time.  Part of me would kill for a woman like her, able to get past the turbulence and still have my back, but part of me…Part of me feels differently about it.  It features plenty of the cracking dialog and implied meaning you expect from the time period (including what I think was a masturbation joke, but I’m not 100%).  And doesn’t play out the way a movie like this makes you expect.  Good stuff, all around.  And Grahame in this movie.  I can see myself falling for a dame like her, and getting into some real trouble.

2001:  You kind of have to go into this movie in the right headspace.  There’s no dialog in the first 20 minutes of the movie.  There’s no dialog for last 20 minutes of the movie.  There are long segments without dialog in between.  The final 20 minutes will likely make no sense to a first time viewer.  One might think it is simply a colorful series of random images and light patterns.  But there is a meaning behind it.  Whatever the case, I think the technical achievement is impressive on its own.  Even if you just look at the film as an extended music video, you should find plenty to enjoy.  And I do find that reading the book gave me a much deeper understanding of the film, although I’d come to enjoy the film on its own legs before I read it.  The story of Humanity’s rise from primate to extraterrestrial explorers to…something else, all with a guiding hand from…something…in the form of black monoliths.

Super 8: “I could get back into disco.”  An 80s kid adventure movie for a new generation.  In the tradition of Explorers, The Goonies, Critters, and more, not to mention E.T., Close Encounters, and more, it’s a fun look back.  I like the vibe, which reminds me somewhat of my childhood, and a lot of the movie I watched during it.  I just really enjoy the movie.  It’s pleasant and makes me feel nostalgic.

White Feather:  Robert Wagner and original Enterprise Captain, Jeffery Hunter, along with smokin’ hottie Debra Paget in…redface?  This is another of those movies about Native Americans where there seem to be no Native Americans on screen.  Just white people in red-brown face paint, speaking in halting English, with very false graveness.  Wagner is fine, and Jeffery Hunter is…well, he’s not as bad as he could be…I mean, he’s fine, I guess.  If you can get over the whole playing an Indian thing.  If this movie is any indication, apparently Native Americans had nothing to do but spend all day killing white people and raising all kinds of school-yard level Cain among their own.  It’s pranks and stunts broken up by occasional murder.  And am I nuts, or does Chief Broken Hand look like Carl Sagan?  Whatever the case, I’m pretty sure kicking the door open to my room and finding a beautiful woman naked but for a fur blanket would make my top 10 best moments in life.  Gotta see about making that happen.  But what’s up with the shop-keep’s daughter?  She gets slighted in the most brutal ways, and the movie never seems to notice, as her heart gets ripped out time and again.  Dang, that’s some cold business.

Doctor Who: Delta and the Bannermen:  “I’ve seen many things fall out of the sky, but nothing which could be described as weird.”  I don’t know, man.  I just don’t know.  By this point, Doctor Who seems to have simply gone off its rocker.  It’s all very 80s, very 2000AD (the comicbook) wacky.  I just don’t think it’s all that good.  A space bus full of alien tourists (and Mel…and another alien trying to save her people stowing away…and an alien bounty hunter) on its way back to 1950s Disneyland runs into a satellite.  And they all crash in Wales, which is British for North Dakota.  Rock & Roll, dancing, puppy-love, crystals for star-drives, giant green Army Men, bounty hunters, the Welsh… This is like that cockroach episode of The X-Files or something from season 3 of Lexx…only really weird.  It feels like this story set the stage for the bugnuttery of the new series.  Sometimes it works, this time it doesn’t.  Whatever else one can say about this episode, the woman playing Delta is a stunner, and the Welsh lass helping the Doctor is cute as heck.  And I still can’t stand Mel.

Rust and Bone:  The movie is well made.  It’s well acted, I guess.  The effects/acting combo of the lead actress’s missing legs is believable and technically well done.  I can’t say I didn’t like the movie.  Or at least, I didn’t dislike it.  But it wanders so much, and doesn’t follow any kind of rational progression.  I never connected with anyone in the movie, as they all seem emotionally dead (you’d think I’d connect right away).  I’ll give ‘em an A for effort when it comes to original and unexpected stories.  A shifty street fighter with a kid and few prospects meets an orca trainer at a nightclub.  After an accident takes the trainer’s legs, the pair begin a friendship (they seem to think it’s a romance, but it’s just about the most pathetic romance two humans could have) that defies convention…and logic.  His emotionally unavailable standoffishness and incessant tail chasing are irresistible to her mopiness and equal emotional standoffishness.  There are moments between them where you want to say, ‘hey, that’s swell.’  But then he hooks up with some blonde tart right in front of our lead lady, and bails on the night to go bone the bimbo.  That ain’t right, no matter how you deal the deck.  And when our double amputee begins working as Punchy’s fight agent, there is an image that made me desperate for the film to depart into exploitation territory with her becoming Legs, Queen of the Underworld.  Alas, nothing ever seems to come of anything…at all.  It’s different.  And it’s a quality piece of work on the technical side.  But I can’t recommend watching it.

Doctor Who: Dragonfire:  “I think you’ll find most educated people regard mythical convictions as fundamentally animistic.”  And now we’re back to something more reasonable.  This era is all over the place.  Paradise Towers and Dragonfire are focused, weird and 80s, but focused; while Time & the Rani and Delta & the Bannermen are sloppy messes.  McCoy seems like he’s got a different take on the Doctor each time out.  This time ‘round he’s more like he was in Paradise Towers, a bit of wacky Patrick Troughton but with enough grounding to buy in, unlike his pratfall prone antics in Time & the Rani, but also unlike his knowing madman in Delta.  The story of a crazy Dr. Freeze type trying to build an army and everyone looking for some dragon in the depths.  Little Orphan Ace blasts herself into the Who universe with homemade explosives and streetwise pluck.  And who would have thought Sabalom Glitz would become a recurring character?  That’s weird.  The dragon is crazy, man.  Crazy.  And I’ve noticed that this season features Lexx level of off the cuff murder and massacre.

    One bit of good/fun news.  I got back into Magnum P.I.  I’d been missing the ‘stache.  It’s amazing how much joy such a simple thing can bring.  I don’t know how much the addition of the Asian Colombo (Tanaka) helped things.  And I’ve noticed a strange feature in late 70s and 80s TV shows that feature aging actors playing aging actors.  I wonder why that was.  I wonder if there were a bunch of Tarantino-types working in TV who wanted to give all their old favorites one more go.

    I finished the first At War With the Empire omnibus of Star Wars comics.  A mixed bag, but enjoyable enough light entertainment.  Star Wars is a setting with so much potential for development, I wish they’d branch out a bit more in comics than they tend to.

    On Saturday I went to a house warming for a gaming buddy from my days working at The Wizard’s Den.  He and his family recently moved to the area.  It was my first time in Southern Maryland, which wasn’t bad.  He charged up a smoker, and we had a heck of a barbeque.  His wife and mother-in-law also provided some awesome food.  There’s magic in sitting on a deck in the sun, roasting meat and sharing food with people.

-Matt

Brad's Week In Dork! (1/6/13-1/12/13)

This Week In Dork was just a big batch of random.  And with that random comes a little less passion to my dorkery.  Feels like I'm just biding time until I can get crazy with next week's post-Holiday vacation.  Started the second week of the year with my first Big Screen movie, Texas Chainsaw 3D.  Went with a batch of friends and we enjoyed ripping it a new one in a practically empty theater.  Laughably bad and my least favorite entry in the franchise...and that is really saying something.  But, ya know, the year generally starts off with a pretty shitty flick.  That's part of the joy of January.  And after thinking about it for three or four seconds, I have to admit that I enjoyed Texas Chainsaw much more than last year's first film, Underworld: Awakening.  There was no fun mockery with that movie, just boring Beckinsale deadvoice.

However, the most exciting news this week was the return of FX's Justified.  I know the whole world seemed to be lukewarm on the last season, but I still enjoyed Raylan's showdown with Neal McDonough's Detroit mafioso.  And I've missed the charm of Timothy Olyphant's contemporary cowboy.  We all need more Elmore Leonard in our lives.

Texas Chainsaw 3D:  "Do Your Thing Cuz!!!" The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise has always held my attention, especially when comparing them to horror counterparts like Friday the 13th & A Nightmare on Elm Street. The original film is a genuine American Classic (No matter how much Matt whines). The sequel is a superior bit of gory 80s (head)cheese elevated to the high heavens by the mega acting of Dennis Hopper. Parts 3 & 4 are shockingly fun thanks to various goofy character performances (Viggo Mortensen's squirrelly hitchhiker & Matthew McConaughey's hydraulic barrel moaner). And then you've got the super slick, Bayification remake and its struggling prequel. And now, we get a sequel to the original '74 film that picks up seconds after its truck bed climax. That takes some balls.  But does it have the brass tacks to pull it off. Nope! Texas Chainsaw 3D is easily the weakest entry in the franchise. The film plays like a series of excuses just to showcase Alexandra Daddario's pasty white midriff, and only a few bursts of chainsaw butchery remind you that this is not a long lost Shania Twain music video. For the first half of the film she's partnered up with a the usual batch of faceless teen sluts and the frosted tips of Deputy Blue Jeans, and when Leatherface clears the cast list we're given a new group of characterless adults to slaughter. Toss in a few unique faces and you might have had a fun, crappy night out at the movies but as is?  Texas Chainsaw 3D is utterly forgettable. Chainsaws popping at ya, and cartoon blood geysers do not make for memorable slasher moments.

Side By Side:  Keanu Reeves produces an interesting if not revelatory documentary exploring the pros & cons of Digital Photography vs. Film aka The Real Deal.  On one side you've got directors like Martin Scorsese holding firm to the old, true ways and on the other side you've got neo auteurs like David Fincher praising the progressive whiz bang cool of RED cameras.  I'm guessing that if you go into this film with one point of view you're not going to leave with a fresh, new perspective.  I'm a film guy.  I certainly appreciate what digital can offer, especially in the hands of folks like Fincher and Michael Mann, but I don't see the new ways capturing the texture of film quite yet.  People talk about "the soul of film," and "the essence of cinema" but I just gotta fall back on the "It Don't Look Right."  But progress is progress.  We're gonna get on the train whether we like it or not.  And filmmakers are only going to get better with HD processing.  The conversation is fascinating for sure, but I'm with the old hats.  Let's hang on as long as we can.  When Quentin Tarantino caves, I'll cave.

Looper:  After a mini debate with my mother on what exactly transpires during the climax of the film, I decided to give Looper another glance but with the audio commentary clicked on this time around.  Safe to say, my opinion on the narrative is the right one.  Sorry mom.  Having watched the film three times now, I'm happy to report it as one of my favorite science fiction films of the last five years and a lot of that has to do with how much the sci-fi is actually toned down.  The film is not about the future, flying motorbikes, or time travel.  They're just background elements used to tell a very human story.  I only wish more modern genre stories worried about character and less about the cg wizardry.  The commentary itself was all well and good, but neither Rian Johnson, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or Emily Blunt reveal anything extraordinary.  Seems like the good ol' days of The Thing or Desperado  commentaries are long gone.  It's a rare treat to experience a supplement of any worth...outside of a Criterion disc that is.

Dredd:  Sooooo much fun.  Karl Urban's Judge Dredd is perfectly one dimensional.  You break the law.  He frowns.  He kills you.  End of story.  You want to join the Hall of Justice than you better share his particular point of view.  And dammit, this Dredd pulls off the rookie partner story in a surprisingly satisfying manner with Olivia Thirlby's Judge Anderson.  They don't try to match toughness - how could you top Urban's unflinching scowl, but they still manage to give Anderson a violent edge with her psychic prowess.  The manner in which she reduces thugs to urine puddles is almost as brutal as Dredd's headshots.  But you can't back a Dirty Harry without a truly heinous villain, and Lena Headey's scarred Ma-Ma is a truly despicable psycho killer.  She's not Darth Vader, all badass in black.  She's a drug pushing maniac willing to butcher whole families to maintain her pathetic way of gangster life.  Dredd's ruling is shattering and just.

Frankenweenie:  Tim Burton, I wash my hands of you.  In the last ten years you have made one miserable disappointment after the other.  But I keep shelling out the cash.  No more.  Dark Shadows and Frankenweenie are the end.  Seriously.  This was a miserably tough challenge to sit through.  It's an awkward and mocking look at children.  It doesn't celebrate the odd and strange, it just snickers and chortles its way through its oddball supporting cast.  It feels like Tim Burton is picking on all the kids who picked on him.  The fat kid.  The cat girl.  The hunchback.  These are not lovable celebrations of the weird, it's just finger pointing comedy and I hate that.

End of Watch:  Missed this one in the theater cuz I had no interest.  Modern cop dramas post-Training Day seem to only want to focus on the Dark Blue - to fight monsters we must become monsters.  And dammit, I'm sick to death of watching gray hat justice; give me a white hat, give me a black hat.  But when End of Watch started popping up on several critics' Top Ten lists I thought I should give it a VOD whirl.  Thankfully this is not another Harsh Times r from director David Ayer.  It's more of a ridealong kind of experience; a peek behind the thin blue line.  Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena have tremendous chemistry and there is a sense of genuine friendship as they patrol the dope infested world of East LA.  It's obvious from the start that it won't end happy, and the war on drugs is appropriately endless.  These guys are just a band aid on a festering wound.

BPRD #103:  Taking place before the traumatic events of The Return of the Master, this latest mini arc centers on a couple of minor BPRD players who discover in the ruins of Chicago a secret underground lair of the Heliopic Brotherhood of Ra.  There Agent Howard lays his hands on a mysterious sword (seen in Hellboy Seed of Destruction as well as Witchfinder - In The Service of Angels) and we get a pretty epic flashback reminiscent of Robert E Howard (as well as recent issues of XO Manowar).   It's looking like we're going to get some serious mythology building in these next couple of issues.  I'm most certainly for that.

Detective Comics #16:  Easily my least favorite issue since John Layman took over as writer.  This really feels like he was forced to tie-in with Scott Snyder's Death of the Family arc and nothing terribly new was built into the Joker saga.  He does get a few pages to expand on the Emperor Penguin story (which is obviously the narrative Layman is most interested in telling) and Jason Fabok offers a slickness to the dark that reminds me of the very best of early 90s Image artistry - and I don't mean that as a slight, I promise!

Shadowman #3:  I really want to love this Voodoo nonsense, but Jack is just not a particularly interesting lead.  I love the stuff with him confronting his shadow daddy and who doesn't love a talking monkey in a top hat, but I have no connection with the central character and all the white suited demons in the world can't excite me if I don't give a cuss what happens to the main man.

Avengers Arena #3:  And speaking of characters I don't give a crap about...This is the problem with the Marvel Now relaunch - you cannot just simply dive into Avengers Arena without having read Avengers Academy.  I don't know who these brats are.  I don't care if they fight each other.  And I don't care if they die.  And by slapping this blatant Hunger Games wink on the cover, all you are doing is drawing attention to what a money grabber of an idea this murder world nonsense is.  I guess my 13 year old self is happy to see Darkhawk get some play, but not really.  No one cares about Darkhawk or his stupid amulet.

Thor - God of Thunder #4:  Jason Aaron has a few surprises for us.  This is not simply a story of past, present, and future Thor.  There might be some trickery at play in telling The God Butcher storyarc and for once I'm not offended by the twist ending...that is if it's even a twist.  There's a lot of talk in this book, and a chunk of that feels a little bit like filler, but I'm extremely curious to see where this saga is going.   It feels epic in a way that past Thor tales have never achieved, and there's more mythology to this character than we've ever been given.  A real Marvel Now achievement.

Thunderbolts #3:  Probably the most fun reading a comic book I had all week.  Here we get the joy of having Deadpool and The Punisher on the same team.  The way one character sets up the punch line for another.  Pure genius.  I just hope they don't mess it up with a retcon on the first page of the next issue.  And maybe Red Hulk should have his head examined for putting Frank on the team.  

The Superior Spider-Man #1:  I caved.  Bought into the hype.  But I will not be purchasing the second issue.  I'm all for fun, goofy Silver Agey comic book plots like Doctor Octopus inhabiting the body of Peter Parker, but when the final page of this issue is turned and the return of the status quo is already in sight - that just feels like neutered storytelling.  And when my Spider-Man book reminds me of Patrick Swayze & Whoopi Goldberg - that's when I know I'm really out.   Ultiamte Spider-Man is truly the only good Spidey worth reading these days.  Long Live Miles Morales!  Stay Dead To Peter Parker!

Justified Season 4 - Episode 1 "Hole in the Wall":  It's good to have Timothy Olyphant back behind the role of Raylan Givens.  And the first episode of the fourth season gives him a few too cool for school moments as well as a couple of whoopsies that makes him so darn charming.  We're given a mystery surrounding parachuting money, Raylan's murderous father, Patton Oswalt's dopey Constable Bob, and Ron Edlard's triggerfinger war vet.  At first glance, it does not appear as flashy as the last season's Double Trouble structure and I'm perfectly happy with that.  And I have a feeling that Papa Givens is going to end up as this season's Big Bad.  Still my favorite show currently airing on TV (sorry Fringe).

The American Scream:  From the documentarians that brought us Best Worst Movie comes this look into the mad world of "home haunters" in the suburban wilds of New England.  The film splits its time between three families and I wish it focused on the professional passion of Victor Bariteau and less on the the goofy father/son shenanigans or the lackluster partner-in-crime.  But if you excised those other players, do you have a movie here?  Probably not.  To me this feels like an excellent episode of some spooky themed TLC episode.  You admire these people's passion but I'm not sure witnessing their story adds anything to my personal outlook or even my entertainment.

Y - The Last Man Deluxe Hardcover Book One:  Friday night was our monthly Graphic Novel Book Club.  And it was our largest gatherings yet with friends coming in all the way from Houston, Texas.  Most folks really enjoyed the tale of Yorrick Brown, the last man on earth, but a couple of attendees couldn't get past the central concept of the man-pocalypse.  What would happen if the world lost half its population in the blink of an eye?  Would power go out for months?  Would pile ups occur immediately?  Would the government fall apart?  The debate that came out of those questions confounded me.  But if you can't get past the central conceit you're definitely going to have trouble with the rest of this saga.  For me, there are some definite problems with the first couple of arcs of this book.  Brian K Vaughn writes a lot of these characters with the same voice and sometimes their Whedony banter distracts.  Yorrick is a child, and he behaves as such, but that's the point.  As the series goes on there is real growth to character.  And I love the road narrative and the obvious disappointment that awaits at the destination.  I'm not really rushing to reread the rest of the books, but I might.  Frankly, I'm more excited to dive into The Walking Dead which is our next book.

How To Survive A Plague:  This doc was brutal.  If you are not reduced to heaving tears by the end than you most certainly do not have a soul.  The film follows two groups of activists (ACT UP & TAG) from 1987 to 1996 as they battle politicians and media types to transform AIDS from a death sentence to a manageable disease.  Attacked by bigots and ignorants, both groups should be looked upon as heroes and their is a humanity to this film not often realized in dramatized "message movies."  It's also proof that evil acts are perpetrated everyday in this country and you do not have to look to far into the past to witness shameful history.  How To Survive A Plague is a reminder that we should open our eyes, look around at the horrors we've accepted in our society, and act.

Double Dragon:  Um...and then I watched this amazing bit of garbage cinema.  Based on a crappy video game that was always crappy, Double Dragon stars Scott Wolf & Mark Dacascos as two brothers from two different mothers as they karate kid their way through the mystical warriors of Robert Patrick's frosted icing sandman.  Partnering up with Alyssa Milano and her horrifying butch haircut, the Double Dragoners devastate horrendous CGI spirits and big bluto buckets of latexed abominations. The film is gross in its abysmal execution and represents the very worst of video game adaptations - which, by the way, is an era we still have not evolved from to this day. I'm looking at you Silent Hill.

Magnum P.I. Season 2:  Well it took a few months but I finally worked my way through the second season of Magnum PI.  So much silly Hawaiian fun.  This season we got guest stars from Wings Hauser, Vic Morrow, Jill St John, Darren McGavin, Ian McShane, and Mimi Rogers.  I do have to say that my least favorite episodes are the ones dealing with Thomas' Vietnam past - I just don't like it when my Ferrari PI gets so dang mopey.  The show works best when the plots are at their most ridiculous and Magnum has to charm his way through a bevy of beautiful ladies just to plant a bullet in the heart of the most righteous crime lord scum.  And the angrier Higgins gets the better.  Already jumped into season 3.

Saboteur:  Saturday saw the start of my 10 day vacation and I had to celebrate by cracking into the Hitchcock blu ray set I got for Christmas (Thanks Mom!).  This was my first experience with Saboteur.  It's a solid little flick.  Production started on the film just two weeks after the attack on Perl Harbor and it's fascinating to watch the fictional paranoia set to a very real sense of World War danger.  Robert Cummings plays the classic Wrong Man type as a factory worker framed for setting a fire at an aircraft plant.  He flees in pursuit of the man responsible and has a series of odd encounters with blind men, circus freaks, and Priscilla Lane's bickering dame.  Really enjoy the first half of the film, but as the conspiracy gets thicker and the pursuit races up the steps of the Statue of Liberty, I lost a little interest.  Hitchcock is definitely in full studio mode here and all his tropes are present, but I just don't think Cummings and Lane were right for this flick.  And I can't get the trivia of the original cast wanted for Saboteur outta my head: Gary Cooper & Barbara Stanwyck.  That would have been something.  As is, minor Hitchcock.

Cleanflix:  I remember when I first heard of the concept of Clean Flicks.  You mail your DVD to them and they cut out the potty words, the boobies, and the blood.  I've always found that notion to be completely ridiculous.  How can you take a movie like The Matrix and sanitize it to your liking?  You're cool with all the kung fu and killing as long as you actually don't see the bodies hit the floor?  That's bonkers.  But as this documentary proves, there are a lot of bonkers people out there.  And if you're a semi-passionate liberal like myself than you'll probably be driven a little mad by this doc.  Especially when the juicy hypocrisy rears its wonderfully ugly head in the third reel.  Cleanflix is easily preaching to the choir and no real conversation is going to come from this documentary, but it's a nice reminder of the crazy out there.

--Brad