Friday, February 1, 2013

A Fistful of Warm Bodies! (Brad's Picks)

Just when you think they've run out of fresh brains, zombie audiences are forced to feed on the undead teen romance.  Gross.  But weirder for me is that I'm actually if only it got super necropheliac disgusting, but I somehow doubt it.  Anyway - Forget Zombies!  I'm tired of talking about them.  Let's talk about our favorite cinematic barbecues instead!

5.  Cropsey (The Burning):  Freddy Krueger might seem like the obvious choice when it comes to horribly burned child murders run amuck, but for my money Cropsey is just a touch ickier in the cooked face department.  A group of campers attempt to scare the old weirdo caretaker & the result is the incredible melting manstrosity.  Five years later Cropsey awakens and sets out for some fiery revenge - with the added bonus of garden sheer impaling.  Imagine Friday the 13th with less polish - yikes, right?  The Burning is a sick little gem filled with twisted kills and oddball casting choices (Fischer Stevens!  Jason Alexander!); strictly B (um...) D Movie territory, but an essential entry in the lesser known slashers.

4.  The Creature (Creature From The Black Lagoon):  It's quick.  Blink and you'll miss it.  But when The Creature oversteps his bounds on man's boat he gets his reptilian ass set ablaze.  Just think of stuntman, Ben Chapman, already covered in a cumbersome suit of rubber and now imagine that suit melting around his flesh.  Nasty business, fire stunts.  But they sure do look cool.

3.  The Unkillable Chev Chelios (Crank 2 - High Voltage):  There is just no topping the climax of Crank 2.  After surviving his skyfall execution of the first film, Jason Statham charges through the sequel as rage personified.  It all builds to the beachfront massacre - where Chev's army of prostitutes and homosexual bikers machine gun it out with the pickled head of Ricky Verona and the ferret obsessed Cliffton Collins Jr.  It's absolutely bonkers and must be seen to be believed - when The Stath is ignited he's more than happy to take the licks.

2.  The Bennings Thing (The Thing):  This is the first fire effect I ever remember seeing.  And it's still as effective today as it was in '82.  After MacReady and the gang exterminate the horrors of the dog kennel, they quickly discover that one of their own (poor moaning Bennings) has been infected/transformed by the alien creature.  This is the turning point in the film - Trust No One.  And burn 'em all.

1.  Sergeant Howie (The Wicker Man):  It's rough being a righteous virgin on an island full of sun worshipping pagans.  First they confound the hell outta you with their the wall thumping nudity of Britt Ekland then they wrap you in wicker and light your ass on fire.  Well, at least he didn't get Nicolas Cage's Bees.


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