A Fistful of Gods! (Brad's Picks)

So, anyone out there actually excited for Wrath of the Titans?  No?  Yer all just going to go see the blandness that is The Hunger Games again?  Lame.  Well, I actually enjoyed the CGIriffic remake from a few years back despite another wooden performance from Sam Worthington, and even though I miss the days of yore with Ray Harryhausen's brilliant stop-motion art, it's always fun to see the Greek Gods go bananas on insignificant puny humans.  And how can you not love Liam Neeson's oh-so-shiny God armor?  But, if I were to pick my favorite cinematic incarnations of the divine they would have to be...

5. Trismegistus (The Keep): One part Hermes, one part Thoth.  I believe Michael Mann and author F. Paul Wilson are the only ones to ever play around with this monster of muscles and I don't think the film ever put a name to the red-eyed being.  Unleashed thanks to some Nazi snooping, Trismegistus might have surpassed the horrors of World War II if not for Scott Glen's mysterious (and completely incomprehensible) stranger.  Whatever the case, F that Gabriel Byrne.

4.  Thor (Adventures in Babysitting):  The God of Thunder doesn't just hang around Asgard and party with The Avengers.  Sometimes he chillaxes in New York City helping hot babysitters with their car troubles.  Sure, he's kinda gruff at first but once you give him back his winged helmet, he's all blonde smiles.

3.  God (A Serious Man):  A seriously hilarious and downright painful re-telling of Job, the god of A Serious Man puts Michael Stuhlbarg's college professor through the wringer.  His kids care only for nose jobs and F Troop, his wife falls for the slimy politeness of Sy Ableman, the Columbia House records henchman won't take "No" for an answer, his brother's boil won't seep, his antisemitic neighbor has the ideal father/son relationship, and the rabbis are useless but easy on speeches.  There's a storm coming, but what's it all mean...nothing, yer screwed.  If only his ancestors had been kinder to a Dybbuk.

2.  The Alpha & Omega Bomb (Beneath the Planet of the Apes):  So Chuck Heston thought the worst thing that could happen in this future world was a little ape uprising, but that was before he met the religious mutant zealots underground.  They're pig ugly and bassackwards but who can blame them for worshipping The End when Dr. Zaius's goons are storming the castle.   ALL HAIL THE BOMB!

1.  The Supreme Being (Time Bandits):  Sure, he's a giant luminous head when he needs to terrify a child and his gang of thieving dwarves, but at his core The Supreme Being is just a kindly suited Ralph Richardson picking up Evil's leftovers.  Robin Hood, Napoleon, Agamemnon.   It's all part of the plan.

--Brad

A Fistful of Rocks! (Brad's Picks)

Why am I so excited to see Journey 2 The Mysterious Island this weekend???  Is it my absolute love for the Ray Harryhausen classic based on Jules Verne's sequel to 20,0000 Under The Sea?  You would think that my internet hater lifestyle would make me furious over such a thing even existing.  No, the reason I'm looking forward to Journey 2 is the same reason I saw The Tooth Fairy, The Game Plan, and Planet 51.  I LOVE THE ROCK!  Yes, he's badass and awesome in flicks like Fast Five, Faster, The Rundown, and Walking Tall but I love him so much I even love his way goofy movies.  Race To Witch Mountain?  Sign Me Up!  I should probably feel ashamed about such proclamations, but I don't believe in guilty pleasures or feeling ashamed for one's true feelings.

Anyway, to get pumped for Journey 2 this weekend Matt & I have picked our favorite cinematic rocks.

5.  The Right Hand of Doom (Hellboy):  Not only can Hellboy's stone hand clobber the heck outta punks like Rasputin, Kroenen, and Prince Nuada but it also serves as a key to unleash Ragnarok aka The Apocalypse.  Thankfully he prefers to use it as a instrument of whuppin and sometimes beer tab opener.

4.  The Sankara Stones (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom):  If you catch me on a weird day I might tell you that my favorite Indiana Jones movie is Temple of Doom.  I know, that sounds crazy, but I love Dr. Jones's whacko gross adventure in India.  At the heart of the story are the three mystical Sankara stones that can keep a villiage outta famine or give you the powers to rip human hearts from the chests of suckers.  All you need to know are the right words.

3.  Piggy's Coup De Grace (Lord of the Flies):  When I was about 10 years old, the trailer for the remake for The Lord of the Flies played on television ad nauseam.  And it scared the hell outta me.  Every time the trailer showed you had to sit through Piggy getting crushed by a rock, and I found this to be deeply troubling as a child.  Eventually, in high school, I finally read the novel and saw the original film.  I thought it was okay.  In college, I read it again and saw both films.  Loved them.  But Piggy's death still scares the bejesus outta me.

2.  Evil Leftovers (Time Bandits):  **SPOILERS** for one of the greatest kid adventures ever made...Just when you think young Kevin, The Time Bandits, and The Supreme Being (Ralph Richardson) have vanquished Evil (David Warner) for good and all is going to be hunky dory in suburban UK once more, Kevin's bloody parents find this leftover rock of Evil in their microwave.  DON'T TOUCH IT YOU DOLTS!

1.  The East & West Mitten Buttes of Monument Valley: If you've watched more than three Westerns than you've seen these majestic rocks.  John Ford practically regarded them as much of his films as folks like John Wayne and Henry Fonda.  Four Years Ago, I was actually lucky enough to visit the state park and I can attest that it's even more grand in person and you can't help but hear stagecoach assaults around every dusty corner.

--Brad