Matt’s Week in Dork! (6/9/13-6/15/13)

    On Sunday I watched a bit of Charlie’s Angels.  Not a great show at all, but fun, and good to have on in the background if you’re doing something physical.

    Also on Sunday, I read the not very good Superman and Batman Versus Aliens and Predator.  Not near as fun as it should have been.  But I followed that up with Invincible Volume 6, which was awesome.  Darned fine series.  Over the rest of the week, I also read the first volume of Boom! Studio’s Planet of the Apes series, and the first (only?) volume of The Calling, another Boom! Studios Lovecraft inspired series.  Both are OK.

Attack Force:  “She has a lot of special abilities.”  Renaissance man Steven Seagal really goes for the gusto in this film he not only produced and starred in, but also wrote, nay, composed the screenplay for.  The dialog is truly inspiring, like Shakespeare had dirty ally sex with Hemmingway.  This film brings home the classic advice my grandfather once gave to me.  Don’t bring a Goth prostitute you met at a Hungarian titty bar back to your hotel room.  Timeless advice.  I also respect the filmmakers’ choice to randomly dub Seagal’s voice with someone who doesn’t sound a bit like him.  Very artistic.  I also love the way very little makes any sense, scenes just happen, then more happen, but none seem to actually lead to the next.  A bold vision.  And the juxtaposition of student-film style with occasional dashes of professionalism makes such a poetic story that much more meaningful.  It is just so, so good.  Seagal is iconic.  He’s like the Joe Don Baker of my generation.  So inspirational.

Into the Sun:  “That’s why I brought you in, Big Papa.”  Thank goodness, when the chips are down, and you’re stuck in Tokyo with an assassination to investigate, you can find an expert on the Yakuza.  Steven Seagal!  Even the Japanese police know who really knows about Tokyo, Japanese culture, Japanese sword fighting, and Japanese organized crime.  Yes, Steven Seagal.  Being a magnanimous man, Seagal teaches the Japanese the right way to be Japanese, showing the young criminals their cultural heritage.  It’s heartening to see someone so clearly versed in another culture showing people from that culture how they should live.  Almost as heartening as seeing a middle aged fat white guy making out with a 20 year old Japanese girl.  Seagal really makes the best films.  And yes, he wrote and performed songs on the soundtrack.  You’re welcome.

His Girl Friday: “And never mind the European war.  We got something a whole lot bigger than that.”  Many, many moons ago, I’d watched this film during some kind of classic kick, but I didn’t like it at all.  Something about the tone had been off-putting.  Ha, ha, ha---Attempted suicide!---Ha, ha, ha.  But this time around, it didn’t bother me.  It’s not great, but it does have great bits.  If anything, it feels a bit too clever for its own good.  That said, the gag about how Bruce looks like ‘that guy they put in movies…Ralph Bellamy’ because he’s played by Ralph Bellamy, did get a good laugh out of me.  As did Cary Grant’s weird reference to the suicide of Archie Leach (his real name).  This is one of those movies that were more common then, where lots of characters staccato dialog at or past each other, making you have to pay darned close attention to everything going on.  I’ve seen it done better, but I’ve seen it done worse.  I always love Grant, but this still isn’t one of my favorites of his.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters:  “Once upon a time…near a shitty little town...”  I know Terry Gilliam’s Brothers Grimm had it’s problems.  But I found the film enjoyable, even if it was obvious he was just doing a forgettable mainstream movie so he could get money for something he cared about (I’m probably the only person who loved Tideland).  However, this movie seems to capitalize on all the things about Brothers Grimm that didn’t work.  Too much CGI.  Too much humor…that isn’t funny.  Most scenes featuring witches inexplicably look cheaper and more ‘made for TV’ than the scenes without.  I’m even more frustrated that they had all the people and material together to do a modern Hammer Horror type film, but made this craptacular instead.

Black Rock:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!  This movie suuuuuuuuuucks so hard.  This movie sucks like black holes suck.  It’s the gravitational pull of a suck the likes of which even Stephen Hawking has not conceived.  The only thing that doesn’t make me swell with righteous rage is that for once, a movie set in Maine was filmed in Maine. So it looks like Maine, not Vancouver.  But who cares!?  It’s so stupid.  The dialog feels adlib, by people who suck at adlib.  The characters are all awful, shallow monsters.  It felt like a really awful student film that wouldn’t stop.

Superman Unbound:  The animation in this film is super crappy, and the script juvenile at best.  The voice work is OK, but they’ve got nothing to work with.  And weirdly, it’s very violent for such a kiddie film.  Whatever the target audience, it‘s a miss.  It looks bad, sounds bad, and is bad.

Oz The Great and Powerful:  “Oh, my.  It’s very tight in here.”  Parts of this movie feel like watching someone play a video game.  Yes, in part it’s the rampant and not very good CGI, but it’s also the way the camera moves, like an AI following certain parameters, as opposed to an artist making choices.  The CG in this film is actually surprisingly bad.  I’m used to bad CG being passed off in big budget films, but even so, this was a surprise.  It’s the kind of wonky effects, where things don’t look right or mesh well, like you might expect from the early 90s…on TV.  But getting past the technical ineptitude of the production, the script and performances are also dreadful.  I’m not the biggest fan of 1939’s Wizard of Oz.  But it deserved better than this.  And that’s not even considering the original books, which I do like.  James Franco is embarrassing.  Sadly, the rest of the cast seems to be taking their cues from him.  Even Rachel Weisz, who is among my favorite currently active actresses, is bad here.  What gives?

Snitch:  Basically a social commentary film about the dangers and abuse of the ‘mandatory minimum’ laws.  It’s a pretty meh story, but Dwayne Johnson is really good in it.  Man, I love The Rock.  I don’t know how this guy has become one of my favorite actors out there, but he has.  He’s so danged charismatic.  And he puts in a darned fine performance here.  I guess if this movie makes people think about how completely upside down our criminal system is when it comes to drug related sentencing, that’s probably a good thing.  But I don’t think anyone out there with more than three brain cells to rub together thinks the current system works.  So, probably not an issue.  It’s not a great movie, but it’s good enough, and The Rock is really good.

    On Friday night, we had our monthly meeting of our graphic novel club, hosted by Lisa and Brad.  This month we read All-Star Superman.  A few people seemed very taken with the book (myself included), several seemed nonplussed by its weird take on the iconic character.  A lot of characters from the big two interest me, but typically I don’t actually like what I read about them.  Silver Surfer?  Honestly, haven’t read anything I’d call ‘good’ with him in it.  Wonder Woman?  Same.  Black Panther, Doctor Strange, the Challengers of the Unknown, Adam Strange.  The list goes on.  In most of those cases, there is some essential idea, some ideal or archetype that attracts me to the possibility, if not the actuality.  All Star Superman gets to that essential concept of the character, its mythological center, and explores not just some adventure for a hero to go on, but the very nature of who and what that hero is.  It’s a treatment I so wish other characters could receive.

Doctor Who: Silver Nemesis:  “What are you?  Social workers?”  Ace and the Doctor have returned to England in 1988, where Nazis, aliens, and Ren-fair expats are up to no good.  There’s a lot of goofy nudge-nudge humor based around Windsor Castle and royalty.  Kind of indicative of this late era Doctor, it’s very kitchen sink storytelling, with too many balls in the air, and not enough holding it all together.  This was the 25th anniversary story, and it’s interesting to see all the location shooting.  But the story is pretty crappy.  By this point, the series seems to have lost its way, going off in directions that feel off-key and confused.

Tron Legacy:  I think this was my fourth time watching it this year.  Perhaps that’s overkill.  But I wanted it fresh in my head for my more extensive review.  I really do like this film.  Audio-visual stimulus of high order, and a philosophical bent I like a lot.  It’s always nice to see science fiction that isn’t anti-science.  And man, Olivia Wilde is cute.

Jaws 3D:  OK, here’s the thing.  I saw this movie, in 3D, when I was about 7 years old, in the theater.  And as a 7 year old kid, I thought this movie was flippin’ stupid and that the 3D sucked.  Seeing it again, all these years later, I was totally right.  That said, seeing it with friends and a good crowd at the Alamo Draft House theater, it was an enjoyable experience.  I have to give the filmmakers credit for embracing the silliness and gimmicky nature of 3D.  So many things are pointed or splashed or thrown at the audience that you constantly want to turn away.  And the editing is so egregious, it makes things all the funnier.  Shots hold WAY too long time and again.  Scenes are clearly over, but two or three beats past where you’re starting to feel uncomfortable, the cut finally happens.  There’s one reaction shot that goes on so long, I think the actor was breaking character to get on with whatever had to happen next, but the camera was still going.  What gives?  The script is laughable, the acting frequently worse.  And from the roaring shark, to the fat guy on the bumper boat, it’s filled with giggles and gaffes.  And Luis Gossett Jr.’s character feels like a bag of insensitive ethnic stereotypes (made worse when it’s revealed the ONLY other black person in the film is supposed to be his nephew…oh, dear).  It’s an absolute garbage film, and in 2D, has nearly nothing to offer.  If you enjoy the cheese of the 3D gimmick, it’s worth checking it out.  Otherwise, just avoid it like sane people would.

The Wicker Man:  “Heathens!  Bloody heathens!”  A stuffy cop played by Edward Woodward travels to a picturesque island populated by strange folk with a bit of a pagan bent.  It’s bad enough when they sing dirty songs about the landlord’s daughter, but things become intolerable when they start having relations in the fields.  And when Britt Ekland starts filming an erotic music video in the next room over, it’s time for a full on freak-out.  A deeply weird movie, it is an interesting look at a modern battle between Christianity and old world Celtic paganism.  Neither is portrayed as especially good.  But it’s a surprisingly non-judgmental, non-supernatural take on the Old Religion.  Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward are fantastic, the supporting cast, including the extras, were quite good.  And the location shooting is very nice.  Again, it’s a powerfully strange film, but one you should certainly check out.

    Well, dang it.  I managed to see two of the worst films released this year over the course of the last week.  I would not be at all surprised to fine both Oz the Great and Powerful and Black Rock on my 5 worst films of the year list come January.  Black Rock isn’t as bad as Bellflower (see two years ago) but it’s bloody awful.  And Oz just proves that Sam Raimi hasn’t evolved as a director in 30 years, but he’s using new technology.  A bad combo.

She read the 'script.'

-Matt

Brad's Week in Dork! (9/23/12-9/29/12)

This week started out strong with the thankfully excellent Dredd 3D, but after marathoning several films I discovered that my love for Steven Seagal has dwindled quite a bit.  Still love, love, love Hard To Kill but the other movies were a bit of a bore.  I'm happy to keep him out of Expendables 3.  The rest of the week was taken over by The Avengers blu ray release and a whole mess load of comic books.

MOVIES OF THE WEEK!

Dredd:  Karl Urban straps on the uniform, keeps the helmet on, and perfects the stern forwny face of Judge Dredd and it is beautifully badass. No cheeky one-liners, no SNL comic relief. Just brutality and bloodshed. Sure, this Dredd lets one too many punk kids live but he takes a strong stance on the homeless and he's not afraid to barbecue the baddies or toss them off the appropriate ledges. Lena Headey is disgustingly villainous as the drug pushing madame slumlord, and Olivia Thirlby is shockingly acceptable as the rookie Judge Anderson - there's an edge to her as well as a sadness not seen before.  But this is Urban's show, and as he stomps through the hallways of the Peach Trees complex I was overcome with giddy glee watching my favorite fascist dispense gory justice.  For those bemoaning this as a Raid rip-off, I say get over yourself.  1) Both went into production at the same time.  2) The world could use more Claustrophobic Kill Crazy Rampage flicks.

Under Siege:  Die Hard on a Boat minus the rapscallion charm of Bruce Willis plus the Kung Fu earnest of stern Steven Seagal. 13 year old Brad ate it up, but it's a little trickier to enjoy in these dark, post-Lawman days. Still, Tommy Lee Jones Two-Faces it up as the rock star terrorist road running his way through a myriad of Seagal slapfests. And Gary Busey as the cross-dressing Commander Krill! A walking nightmare! Under Siege is a solid squibber, but Seagal has hammed his way through better action fodder and his badass routine is not ridiculous enough to be entertaining.  This gets a rec for its bad guys - Jones, Busey, Colm Meaney.

Under Siege 2 - Dark Territory:  If Steven Seagal's kung fu enthusiasm was running thin in 1992 than it was completely used up by 1995. Die Hard on a Boat morphs into Die Hard on a Train and the result is a depressing mid 90s example of bland, unthreatening action. And the hooting Tommy Lee Jones is sorely missed after being replaced by the horrendously whiney Eric Bogosian. But I gotta give credit to the monster mashup train collision that climaxes the film; it's downright magical how Seagal escapes two exploding trains and onto the dangling helicopter ladder.  Impossible physics aside, the land of Direct-To-DVDs was totally ready for Seagal after this repetitive bore.

Hard To Kill:  "We're gonna win & I'll tell you why: Superior attitude, superior state of mind...we'll get 'em buddy...every fucking one of them." Hard To Kill is my go-to Seagal flick. It's utterly ridiculous and the majority of the dialog is laughably intense. You can't keep a good cop down. After capturing William Sadler's diabolical politician conflabbing with shadowy criminals, Seagal's top detective Mason Storm falls into a bullet-induced coma. Seven years later he awakens and using Kung Fu's special herbs & spices, Seagal recharges his ass kicking batteries, pushes the memory of his dead wife outta his mind, and falls face first into the cavernous lips of nurse Kelly LeBrock. Seagal takes Sadler to the bank...the blood bank, horrendously destroying a plethora of corrupt cops and slap happy goons.  Look no further if you seek the ultimate Seagal experience.

Out For Justice:  Man. This film has balls. Opens with an Arthur Miller quote about the otherness of neighborhoods and follows it up quickly with Seagal bashing a pimp through multiple car windows. Steven Seagal plays Italian copper Gino Fellino who gave up life as a wiseguy for the long arm of the law. He understands the mob and the mob respects him. But when made-man William Forsythe goes on a coke fueled killing spree, publicly assassinating a police officer as well as an unfortunate female road rager, than its cops vs mobsters all over the brownstones of New York.  Forsythe's coke acting is phenomenally shaky and agitated, but the film drifts when it should charge. Frankly, I could have used a little more Seagalisms and a lot more plain ol' shotgun violence.

Above The Law:  The film that introduced the world to the iffy Buddah Violence philosophy of Sansei Seagal, who developed, co-wrote, and co-produced the flick. From the jungles of Vietnam to the streets of Chicago, Above The Law pits Henry Silva's murderous Company Man against Seagal's patriot in a battle for America's soul. Thankfully, Silva's bones are brittle and Seagal seems impervious to heroin cocktails. The film is far too earnest to be laughably enjoyable and is more often boring than not.

The Avengers:  Ok.  Four times in the theater.  Three times on the blu ray.  I seriously can not get enough of this movie.  I'm still baffled by its existence, a true wonder of the geek domination of modern pop culture.  THANOS!  Cap, Thor, Iron Man battling it out in the woods.  Tony & Bruce's science banter - Tony's prodding for the Super Hero Hulk.  And the "I'm Always Angry" punchline; 7 viewings and it still gives me chills.  The blu ray looks great.  The special features are solid (kinda wish they kept the extended Cap intro).  And Joss Whedon's commentary is as entertaining as it is engaging.  2012 might be an overall crappy year for movies but I'm happy to have The Avengers at the top of my Best Of list.

COMICS OF THE WEEK!

Ultimate Spider-Man #15 - So since I'm not really following the United We Stand books outside of Spidey I don't really get what's happening to America.  This is the first issue I've read that alludes to some sort of National catastrophe and the result is the temporary shutdown of Miles' school.  Maria Hill makes her Ultimate Universe debut as the detective in charge of The Prowler's accidental (?) death at the hands of Spider-Man and the book climaxes with Miles knocking on the doorsteps of the Triskelion.  Is he ready to join up?  Will Fury have him?  Will Cap?  I hope so.  This could provide for some great new avenues in this series.

Spider-Men #5:  It's The Ultimates vs Mysterio for the battle of dimensional domination!  My fear was that five issues was not enough to wrap up this epic storyline and I definitely would have preferred this book stretched into 12 issues, but for the most part I found the conclusion to be satisfying.  You gotta feel for Mysterio, he's a super hero punching bag no matter what universe he's in or whatever Scarecrow tricks he's got up his sleeves.  And he's just no match for these web heads.  But this book is all about that cliffhanger.  Where oh where is this massive loose end gonna get resolved?  Spider-Men Part II?  Can't see it happening in Ultimate Spidey or Amazing Spider-Man.  As long as Bendis is writing I'll be reading.

Lobster Johnson - Caput Mortuum:  June, 1932.  A group of Nazi scientists plan a chemical air strike on NYC but they quickly learn to fear The Claw when Lobster Johnson hijacks their Zeppelin.  This is definiltey one of the better Lobster Johnson one shots but I'm still waiting for that quintessential tale.  And maybe it's the presence of the airship, but this felt very Rocketeer to me - which of course, is high praise.

Archer & Armstrong #2:  After a little bickering in the first issue, it appears that Archer & Armstrong are seeing eye to eye on who belongs to an evil cult and who doesn't.  Like the other Valiant books, this is some fun stuff but not quite the Must Read level yet.  Frankly, my favorite bit of the whole book is the Next Issue caption: "The Existence of God Proved (or Disproven)!  Plus: Ninja Nuns!"  Yes!  I want this book to reach Preacher levels of absurdity.

Godzilla - Half Century War #2:  Stokoe's art continues to amaze even when I'm a little underwhelmed by the plot.  Our fearless soldier follows Godzilla into Vietnam where we get our first bit of Kaiju on Kaiju action.  Like the first book the climax comes quick and we're on to a new issue and a new decade.  Still waiting to see the big picture here, but I'm seriously enjoying the ride so far.

Talon #0:  Spinning out of Batman - The Court of Owls, this first issue introduces us to Calvin Rose the only Talon to escape the brain washing of Gotham's secret society.  Frankly, I'm not interested.  Keep the Court in the shadows.  I want to see Snyder explore this new angle in the main Bat book.  I do not want it watered down here.  Calvin Rose is another circus boy orphan and his costume is ridiculous.  Not bothering with this series unless I hear good things from reliable sources.

Winter Soldier #11:  More of the same.  Frankly, I'm tired of writing about this title.  Hawkeye & Bucky get closer to The Black Widow but I'm so bored with this hunt.  Again, I'm seeing this book till Brubaker's departure but I'm really looking forward to jumping ship.

The Goon #42:  It's been too long since I've read this title.  So much silly fun.  We've got a fixed fight, dynamite stuffed zombies, creepy ass Twilight Zone mannequins, a giant sewer beetle, and prophecies of doom.  Plus, The Goon tries on Franky's tighty whities.  Just weird goofy and ugly fun.  Eric Powell brings smiles to all us sickies.

Happy! #1:  What starts off as a bit of wannabe Garth Ennis vulgarity quickly transforms into genuine Grant Morrison crazy.  Nick Sax is a professional hitman slaughtering his way through the underworld until one day he takes a near fatal bullet and awakens to the cartoony horror of a flying blue unicorn named Happy the Horse!  What.  The.  Hell.  That's weird, sure.  But is it good?  Time will tell.  Not won over yet but I'm game.

BPRD Hell On Earth - The Return of the Master #2:  On the Hunt for The Master, the Bureau encounters a rather horrifying monster/ghost in the hills of Scotland, while back at homebase the Zinco Corporation tricks Kate & Johann into lending out their clone.  Plus, Fenix has another vision of the Apocalypse involving comatose Abe and that gross ass Russian mutant continues to taunt his bottled vampire.  The series is building to its 100th issue and that means more terrible catastrophes for the people of Earth.

The Sixth Gun #25:  The Winter Wolves have Becky & Drake entrapped in Fort Treadwell.  Gord & Kirby strike a deal with the mummy Asher Cobb.  And The Sword of Abraham continues their hunt for the six guns.   This latest arc hasn't grabbed me in the same fashion as some of the previous stories, but The Sixth Gun is still the best blending of the horror and western genres I've seen in recent years.

Batman Incorporated #0:  Disappointing.  Not a bad single issue, but if you've been following Morrioson's run on Batman from the beginning than there really is nothing new here.  And that's my general feeling about most of these zero issues.  Lets just get on with the rest of the show.

JLA by Grant Morrison Volume 2:  There is some seriously unfocused crazy going on in the second volume of Morrison's Justice League book and even if I find some of it to be a bit of a slog I do really appreciate its gung ho attitude towards the DC Universe.  The first storyarc focuses on Lex Luthor's InJustice League creating Hard Light duplicates of the JLA in an effort to take down their Moon base watchtower.  This leads leads into a future story in which Darkseid has enslaved the earth thanks to a fat Flash, Metron's chair, and a cyborg Green Lantern.  And oh yeah, don't forget about Death The Black Racer.  WHAAA?!?!?  Honestly, I don't know what's going on half the time with Superman suddenly gone electric, Wonder Woman R.I.P. or not?   And The Wildc.a.t.s cross dimensional team up.  This book is all over the place and it's definitely interesting, but this is also nowhere near the quality of storytelling I was hoping for.  I'm gonna push forward with Morrison's JLA run but I need to take a break for a bit.

Get Jiro:  The fourth selection of my wife's Graphic Novel book club, Get Jiro is quite the departure after last month's Habibi.  Celebrity foodie Anthony Bourdain co-writes this story of a future society in which chefs are the world's highest commodity.  Taking its structure from Red Harvest/Yojimbo/Fistful of Dollars/Last Man Standing, two rival gangs go nuclear after some not-so-subtle manipulations from the titular sushi chef.  Can't say that I hated this book but I really came away unimpressed.  Some of Langdon Foss' art is cool with some very meaty violence and a couple of great character stares, but the story is slight and the structure played out.  But I do have a strong craving for California Rolls.

--Brad