Brad's Week in Dork! (12/29/13-1/4/14)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  That feels good.  2013 was a gas, but I'm quite pleased to be through the Holiday Hoopla, and I'm looking forward to devoting more attention to the blog.  Most of this week was concerned with formulating my Favorite Films of the year as well as the rest of the Dorkies.  As I stated there, 2013 ended up being one of my favorites as far as the Pop Culture scene was concerned.  Nicholas Winding Refn cranked out his best film yet (Only God Forgives), Martin Scorsese proved that no matter how hard they try (American Hustle) there is still only one guy right for the job (The Wolf of Wall Street), and the more I think on it, Edgar Wright's latest (The World's End) slowly eeks its way to the top of the Cornetto Trilogy.

Not to mention, this year I actually witnessed Martin Scorsese deliver his Jefferson Lecture "The Persistence of Vision," I sat in the front row of Hall H where Samuel L Jackson actually stared me down, saw the 4K Restoration of Lawrence of Arabia at the AFI Silver, met Peter Tork, discovered the surreal genius of Keoma, and won a Tyler Stout Mondo Print signed by Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, & Edgar Wright at the Cornetto Trilogy Screening of The Alamo Drafthouse, which in turn has become my new home away from home.  Yeah, I should say that's a pretty good year.

Jaime Foxx Does Django For Spidey (I Took This Photo!!!)

I'm pretty gosh darn excited by the prospect of the new year.  How can 2014 top 2013?  Dunno, but I can't wait to find out.  This particular week in transition began with another bit of cinematic shame finally getting checked off my Resolution list - Singin' in the Rain.  How had I never seen this before?  Not sure.  I was just never much of a musical kid; I'm happy to report that I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The last film I saw in the theater in 2013 was David Fincher's Zodiac (again, at The Alamo Drafthouse).  One of my all time favorite films, I was a bit bummed that co-dork Matt doesn't seem to quite "get it."  My first film of the new year was Man of Steel, the rewatch was prompted by a conversation I had with my brother-in-law at our annual New Year's Party.  So much to love, so much to hate.  But the first film I saw theatrically of the New Year was Saving Mr. Banks.  I enjoyed it, but certainly not as much as The Wife.  She got all filled with emotions with this Marry Poppins lovefest.

I also got off my duff and finally got back into Sweet Tooth comics.  Apart from our Graphic Novel Book Club (aka The Ultimate Justice League of Extraordinary Graphic Novel Book Club), I feel like I've been neglecting the comic book medium lately.  Sure, I hit up Big Planet Comics every week, but I've got a massive stack of graphic novels I need to work my way through.  There's a New Year's Resolution for sure.  Not to mention the fact that I've left both my Scorsese-A-Thon & John Carpenter-A-Thons hanging.  Gotta find my Elvis dvd or simply buy another one.  As far as why I haven't watched New York Stories yet.....it looks dull....but Goodfellas follows that so there are no excuses.  Anyway, let's get on with the mini-reviews shall we?

P.S. I'm growing a beard!

Singin' In The Rain:  "You're nothing but a shadow on film."  I honestly had no idea what this movie was about.  I knew there was rain in it.  I knew there was singing.  Some sorta romance.  And yep, all those things are there.  But I was kinda flabbergasted to discover that the backdrop for the film was the transition from the Silent Era into the Talkies.  That must sound silly to all you die-hards out there, but once the Hollywood biography started to get hashed, my interest immediately perked up.  Sure, the big song & dance numbers are fantastic.  Gene Kelly is great, but I was even more enamored with Donald O'Connor's sidekick character - the "Make 'Em Laugh" number is joyous, but it also has a nice bit of biting truth to it.  What's the next Golden Era Musical I have to hit?  Yankee Doodle Dandy?  Show Boat?  Guys And Dolls?  Certainly The Jazz Singer.  A whole genre of film missing from my brain.  Maybe that's my great quest of 2014.

Pain & Gain:  This was mostly background noise while I worked on this year's Dorkies.  But what beautiful background noise!  Finally all of Michael Bay's weird, misogynistic, homophobic, mocking humor makes all the sense in the world.  A "True Film" about a trilogy of dumbbells committing heinous acts in the pursuit of The American Dream.  It's a hilarious watch, and a rather painful one if you think too deeply into the real events that inspired this idiocracy.  The Rock gives his single greatest performance so far, but Mark Wahlberg should get some serious recognition as well.  No one can do moronic earnestness quite like this guy.  And I still argue that it has as much to say about our deeply flawed Nation as Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street.

Keoma:  If I could grow Keoma's beard I most certainly would.  Franco Nero is a wild man native returned home after the cataclysmic conclusion of the Civil War.  A group of bandits (a perfect collection of pricks one can only see in Spaghetti Westerns) have staked claim over the land, and it's up to Nero & Woody Strode to slaughter their hateful asses.  The plot is straightforward, but it's telling is so wonderfully dreamy thanks to its slow-mo gunsmoke ballets, the constant guttural caws of the score, and Keoma's metaphorical ability to walk in & out of his past.   When people think of Italy's contribution to the West they think The Good, The Bad, & The Eastwood.  If they reach a little beyond that then maybe they think of Sergio Corbucci or Django.  But for my money, the niftiest entry of the sub-genre is Enzo Castellari's Keoma.  Is it my favorite?  Tough call...The Great Silence is sooooo beautifully ugly...but give me three or four more rewatches of this Weird Western and Keoma might very well land on the top.

Haywire:  Steven Soderbergh is a fascinating animal.  He burst onto the scene with a Sundance Classic (Sex, Lies, & Videotape) that absolutely revolutionized Hollywood and paved the way for indie darlings like Quentin Tarantino, then Sophomore Slumped for a series of films (Kafka, King of the Hill, The Underneath, Schizopolis), knocked one out of the park (Out of Sight) creating a megacelebrity (George Clooney), crafted a brilliant love letter to John Boorman (The Limey), floundered with Oscar Bait (Erin Brokovich, Traffic), made bank on Blockbusters (The Oceans Trilogy), drowned in drivel (Full Frontal, Bubble, The Good German, Che, The Girlfriend Experience), and found new life in his final series of weirdo genre pictures (The Informant!, Contagion, Magic Mike, Haywire, Side Effects).  Has there ever been a career with more peeks or valleys?  Of his last batch, The Informant! is probably my intellectual favorite, but the one I watch the most is Haywire.  I mean - Wow! - that Fight-to-the-Death hotel room brawl between Gina Carano & Michael Fassbender is AWEsome!  Possibly my favorite asskicking this side of They Live.  The rest of the film is good too, but that Fassbender beatdown....that's some real movie magic.  I wish Soderbergh all the best in TV Land, but I doubt he'll stay there for long.  The Silver Screen will call you again sir.  Whatever type of picture you decide to make should certainly prove interesting.

Zodiac:  My favorite film of the last 13 years.  This fact seems to baffle Matt.  He just keeps saying "it sure is 3 hours long."  I tell him it's the best police procedural of all time, he says he preferred The Silence of the Lambs.  I'v been thinking about this.  I too love The Silence of the Lambs.  Great movie. Duh.  But it's not really a procedural, is it?  I think what elevates Zodiac so high in my pantheon of All Time Favorite Movies is how meticulous the film is with the investigation - and the obsession born from it in Robert Graysmith.  There are no real answers here, but Graysmith has to hunt them down.  He sacrifices family for the Zodiac.  He might even fool himself in the process.  It's tragic.  It's ultimately pointless.  And David Fincher perfects his clinical eye with this film, and it's never been more suited for a subject.

Man of Steel:  2013 marked the 75th anniversary of Superman.  A milestone for capes & spandex.  But he's never been a character I've really gravitated towards.  I guess I enjoyed the Christopher Reeve films as much as any kid my age, but when I rewatched them earlier this year they didn't have the same shine I once remembered.  Reeve himself is astonishing as the character.  It's a great performance.  But there's plenty of room for improvement as far as the script and side characters are concerned.  I thought Bryan Singer's love poem, Superman Returns was fairly fun if not utterly forgettable, and I was soooooo ready for Zach Snyder to add a little freeze-frame punch to the franchise.  I am, after all, not a Snyder-hater (yes, yes, yes, Sucker Punch sucked).  What I love about Man of Steel:  Russell Crowe's Jor-El & his holo-ghost, Pa Kent's barnyard revelation to young Clark, Amy Adams's plucky newswoman, and the Metropolis Holocaust (yep, two gods meet in an American City...we are fucked). What I hate about Man of Steel:  Pa Kent's utter fear for his son culminating in his final act, Michael Shannon's Screaming Zod, the kissy face in a crater of human ash, and the neck break.  I could probably handle most of my beef if not for Pa Kent.  His parenting seems all wrong for the character.  That being said, there is enough here for me to enjoy the film for years to come.  I can't really say I'm stoked for Batman vs Superman, but I'm certainly curious to see what they cook up, and how all these icons are going to fit with each other.  But if you really want to get to the heart of the Man of Steel, and you've always had trouble like me, then please read Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's All-Star Superman.  It's a beautiful depiction of Supes as well as that Golden Age of Comics.

Furious 6:  Not the Action-Packed Roller Coaster Revelation that was Fast Five, this film still manages to pack more fun into car crashes than it has any right.  Frankly, I'm still just shocked at how much of a fan I've become of this franchise.  It wasn't too long ago that I was mocking the first film and downright being a jerk towards 2 Fast 2 Furious.  Now it's 2014, Paul Walker died tragically, and I'm desperately awaiting word on how they'll honor him in Fast Seven.  This series is a goof.  A lark.  But there is something so absolutely charming about the intensity in which they support the notion of family.  We all might be thieves and gunrunners, but we love each other and we know how to crack a skull when we have to.  Fast Five took the franchise into the realm of the unreal, and Furious 6 practically throws a cape over The Rock while he's tossing thugs across rooms.  Don't fool yourself.  This is the very best of Comic Book Cinema.

Saving Mr. Banks:  "The Mouse is Family."  I was a little nervous going into this one.  A friend shot me a link to Harlan Ellison's latest rant, and his tirade nearly brought me into a frenzy against The Disney Machine.  How dare they purport PL Travers's complacency for Mary Poppins when she most certainly did not appreciate the adaptation.  And maybe this film doesn't go into her eventual contempt for the film, but it also doesn't reveal her to be joyous either.  This is a nifty, surface level exploration of  the writing process, and the romance one can have with their creation.  Emma Thompson starts this film as a shrill, nearly psychotic "Writer" battling it out with the Keeper of Dreams, Walt Disney.  A cynic could easily tear this film apart.  But there were several moments in the movie where I thought it understood and appreciated PL Travers's preciousness for her character.  One scene (where musical & biography collide) that nearly brought me to tears in my seat.  Is it the best film of 2013?  No.  Not even close.  But I imagine if you (like my wife) already have great affinity for the Disney Film then you'll just adore Saving Mr. Banks.  And when is Harlan Ellison not ranting? - don't sue me!

MST3K - I Accuse My Parents:  "Can I interest you in a size of ME?"  For the new year, The Wife & I have committed to watching as many episodes of Mystery Science Theater as we can.  When I hear Joel, Tom Servo, and Crooooooow snicker and jeer their way through some shoddy movie it immediately takes me back in time.  I'm 12 years old, it's way past my bedtime, and I'm snorting up a bowl of CT Crunch as The Killer Shrews shuffle about my tv screen.  Ah...bliss.  I Accuse My Parents is one of those terrible cautionary tales in which a teenage shoe salesman goes on a kill crazy rampage because his mom was a drunk.  Boo hoo, kid, it's tough all over.  Good jokes, but also not the finest hour for the Gizmonic Institute.  Looking forward to the next one.

Sweet Tooth Volumes 3-5 by Jeff Lemire:  My goodness, these are some wonderfully sad comics.  Volume 2 left poor Sweet Tooth in the hands of some diabolical scientists, and Volume 3 picks up with Mr Jeppard marching to the rescue before Doctor Singh can gut the deer boy open, and dissect just how these hybrids avoid The Sickness.  I enjoyed the first few chapters of this series, but once Jeff Lemire gets these guys out of the camps and on the road of discovery, the saga really begins to take shape.  What is Sweet Tooth?  A man made creation or some ancient god of the earth?  I don't know, but I'm betting whatever the answer it's a depressing one.  Not for the faint of heart...or the squeamish, Sweet Tooth is an apocalypse story drowning in dread.  And I love it.  One trade to go, should be done in a few days.

Drew - The Man Behind The Poster:  If you're in your mid-30s and you love movies then you love Drew Struzan.  The premiere illustrator who birthed countless posters for such films as Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Thing, Big Trouble In Little China, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, Masters of the Universe, and Police Academy.  I've been collecting his work since I was fourteen.  Behind every framed poster in my house, you can probably find a Struzan buried behind whatever current obsession.  This is a typical talking-heads documentary, but I was pleased to discover how in-depth it goes into some of his creations.  And I certainly appreciated hearing the praise coming from such icons as George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Michael J Fox, Ken Kelly, and Steve Guttenberg.  Harrison Ford at the junket, though?  That's awkward.  It's currently on Netflix Streaming, give it a whirl.

--Brad

Brad's Week In Dork! (5/19/13-5/25/13)

This week was all about blowing the stink of Star Trek Into Darkness out of my life, and there was no better aid in that endeavor than the charmingly ridiculous stupid of The Fast and The Furious franchise.  I know what you're asking, "Brad, how can you enjoy a group of films that are obviously and infinitely more hairbrained than anything found in JJ Abrams' latest abomination?"  Ummmmmm, maybe.  It's certainly true that the first two Fast & Furious flicks are pretty damn terrible, and it's only till they start drifting in Tokyo that the films become any sort of real entertainment.  Of course, with Fast Five the producers begin to take notice of the crazy brains scheming of Marvel Studios, and Assemble an epic globe trotting adventure that exchanges the limp biscuit cgi malarky for grande "Damn, Did You See That!?!" practical car crack ups.  Toss in the The Rock (aka Samoan Thor) and your too dumb-too stupid franchise is Saved!

"Weee!  I Make Everything Better!"

However, before moving on to the street racing glory, I had to delve one more time Into Darkness.  This time dragging Mom, Dad, and The Wife to The Alamo.  Still hated it.  Sorry, folks.  I'm fascinated by how irritated my friends, family, & coworkers can be at my complete lack of enthusiasm for this latest Trek.  Part of that fascination can be contributed to my own bewilderment at their enjoyment.  Even if you're not a Trekkie you have to acknowledge the complete lack of substance or intelligence to the screenplay.  My disdain for this film is not just "Khan's Not White, okay, guys!"  It's a film riddled with conveniences, plot holes, and slipshod homage.  And it's dumb.  Not Fast & Furious dumb fun.  Just dumb.  Shiny, sure.  Easy to watch.  But it crumbles under the tiniest bit of scrutiny.  And I hold Star Trek to a higher standard than the latest 2 Hour Popcorn Killer.  If you don't - if you set Star Trek Into Darkness right next to Battleship or even The Avengers than I can see you shrugging off this latest adventure as a jolly good time.  But for me, the best Trek reaches for something higher than your wallet.

Star Trek Into Darkness:  Okay.  More Spoilers here.  I just can't talk about this movie without dishing out plot points.  What is Khan's plan?  He blows up Section 31 so that Admiral Marcus & his cronies will gather together.  He shoots up their boardroom.  Then he beams to Kronos.  Why?  Does he know that Marcus will send Kirk (or some other goon) to attack Kronos with his shipmate torpedos?  Why does he leave the torpedos active with his men inside?  Why are torpedos built with a hollow center for men to hide in?  What is Admiral Marcus's plan?  He defrosts the 300 year old Khan for his savagery?  How is he a better bomb builder than other Federation scientists?  Would Napoleon Bonaparte be a good addition to our current military?  Khan has super blood.  His blood can cure mysterious child illnesses.  His blood can resurrect dead Tribbles.  His blood can resurrect dead Starfleet Captains.  His blood can heal animal & human alike.  No more death for anybody!!!!   Um, couldn't the blood of the other 72 super humans aboard the USS Enterprise do the same thing?  Why does it have to be Khan's blood?  I hate this movie.  It's dumb.  And I'm starting to think Star Trek - Nemesis is better.

2 Fast 2 Furious:  When Vin Diesel and director Rob Cohen jumped ship for xXx, the producers of The Fast and The Furious pushed Paul Walker into the spotlight and brought on John Singleton for a little street cred.  The result is a bloated slog.  Tyrese Gibson is a fun enough Diesel replacement, but what little chemistry he can fake is lost in the drawn out undercover plot.  It's a manufactured Love You/Hate You bromance that doesn't come close to matching the wannabe Point Break relationship of the original film.  Eva Mendes is meant to be the love interest/sex object, but she seems totally bored by Walker's blue eyed gaze.  Seeing them flirt is as painful as it is neverending.  Obviously, the writers don't know yet that Walker & Brewster are meant to be - the family has yet to properly come together.  As is, 2 Fast 2 Furious is easily the weakest entry in the series.

Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol:  The first half of this film is as good as this franchise gets.  The IMF is once again disavowed after their team is implicated in the Kremlin bombing.  Tom Cruise, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, & Jeremy Renner come together to chase down another pesky terrorist, climbing the Burj Khalifa for super secret codes, chasing masked henchmen through dust storms, and hypnotizing Indian billionaires with magically plunging cleavage.  The plot holds very little interest,  this film might also house its most lackluster villain (sorry Michael Nyqvist, Dougray Scott was better - burn!).  But Brad Bird proves himself the king of cartoony action even when he's playing with live dolls, and Ghost Protocol is heaps of fun when Tom Cruise is busily smashing cars atop asshole badmen.

The Fast and The Furious - Tokyo Drift:  The Fast and The Furious - Tokyo Drift:  From the opening credits, you know something is different about this Dieseless & Walkerless Fast & Furious entry.  Justin Lin's camera is alive as it moves through the high school hell of Lucas Black.  The soundtrack is hipper, the teen landscape simmering with that hateful enthusiasm of youth.  One more town, one more school to alienate.  Lucas Black does just that after a construction yard race ends tragically.  His mom ships him off to Tokyo to live with his father; it's not like he can run afoul of the Yakuza there.  Oh wait.  The schools there are just as bad, but with the added bonus of a mob presence.  Thankfully, Black meets Bow Wow aka Twinkie, and the two form a fast friendship around cars and women.  Black proves himself as a street racing protege, catching the attention of bored low life Han (The Fast and The Furious's greatest creation) and together this trilogy of odd will take down Sonny Chiba's fedora don.  The Fast & Furious franchise was good and dead before Tokyo Drift.  Justin Lin came on board with a real vision and a love for real deal car races.  Sung Kang's Han brought genuine heart to the series.  Suddenly this was a brand to watch.

Peter Tork @ The Birchmere:  Tuesday Night was a real trip.  I know I've mentioned this on the blog before, but my Wife is a real Monkees maniac.  A few weeks back we caught Michael Nesmith at The Birchmere and as cool as that was, it really didn't capture the spastic joy brought on by Peter Tork's intimate performance.  We raced to the club after work, afraid to get stuck in the back with the cheap seats.  Sadly, not a whole lot of Northern Virginia showed up for Tork (about 50 folks) and The Wife & I scored some pretty damn good seats.  We were actually next to Tork's son the whole time and I found myself time traveling every time I stared at him working the projector.  That's right...projector.  As Tork performed Monkees classics his son added a little visual.  A very talky, chatty show.  Afterwards he welcomed autographs & pictures.  Lisa nearly lost her mind when Tork gave her a hug, and she even told him she'd leave me for him.  That's okay cuz he said I could have his fiance.  We're swinging now!

Pete Holmes @ 930 Club:  The next night The Wife & I were in DC for some stand-up.  I was fairly unfamiliar with Holmes (having only caught one or two eps of You Made It Weird) but from nearly the moment he took the stage I was dying with laughter.  He was a blue boy, and I don't think I'll be able to think of apartment hunting the same way again.  Since that night I've been a regular listener to the show, and I just downloaded his album Impregnated with Wonder.  A word of warning: Do Not Drive And Listen.  I nearly killed The Wife & I as I bellowed with laughter.  Dangerous Stuff.

They Live:  "Brother, life's a bitch...and she's back in heat!"  Another fabulous screening at The Alamo Drafthouse DC, complete with bubblegum and badass shades.  Obviously, this is one silly movie.  Rowdy Roddy Piper brings every ounce of his WWF Energy, and bashes it upon the silver screen with all the subtlety of a flaming mac truck.  John Carpenter blasts his rage upon America's Greed and he hits the nail right on the head, keeps on thwacking, and slams it through the crust of the Earth.  They Live is a goofy film filled with silly dialog and cheese filled melodrama, but I find as I get older, it's also a film that resonates perfectly with my own retail existence.  They Live gets me to laugh hard.  But if I start to dwell on it, and sense it's relevance as strong today as it was in the 1980s it can also make me a touch melancholic.  The Thing and Big Trouble in Little China will always be my top Carpenter flicks, but They Live has moved in right behind them.

Fast & Furious:  As far as quality goes, seated right behind 2 Fast 2 Furious is this fourth entry.  Not sure what went wrong.  Justin Lin proved himself to be the right man for the job, but he relies too heavily on the action of computer graphics this go 'round.   Despite bringing the gang back together and introducing the the family theme, Fast & Furious is rather forgettable.  Heck, as I sit at this computer, I'm struggling to remember the details of the plot.  Paul Walker worms his way back into the hearts of Jordana Brewster & her brother Diesel despite the fact that he's responsible for the death of Michelle Rodriguez...kinda...sorta...stay tuned to this franchise!  But the real problem of this film is all the night shooting.  What the hell is going on in these set pieces?  Hard to see, hard to care.  And the repetitive tunnel chase at the climax is a real snooze.  Forget this flick, let's move on.

Fast Five:  "East L.A. Avengers Assemble!!!!!"  Holy Cow!  This film is far too good to be the fifth film in a franchise.  Is there any other example of a series that takes five films to find itself?  Tokyo Drift was the first decent film, but Fast Five is the first honest-to-goodness action classic.  And it's not just the introduction of The Rock.  He goes a long way in grabbing my interest, but I think all the credit has to go to Justin Lin & his producers.  They keep the neon street race theme, but drops these criminal nimrods into a global bank heisting scheme worthy of Ocean's Eleven or James Bond.   The CG is kept to a minimum and Lin cranks the practical car crashes to mondo gonzo levels.   The climactic vault race is seriously stunning.  Sure, I think the producers were watching the buildup to The Avengers very closely and thought, "Yeah we can do that."  Suddenly there's a whole lotta wacky fan servicing occurring and a beauty of a stinger in the wings.  It all works though, with a silly but deeply sincere emphasis on family & faith.  It's easily to laugh at, but I can't help but get drawn in by the charm.

The Wild Bunch:  "I'm tired of being hunted."  After spending a week with these modern macho men pretenders, I needed a serious dose of real manhood to remind my perpetual youth that there is something else to strive towards.   Sam Peckinpah's Wild Bunch fit the bill.  It had been a few years since my last viewing, and I had forgotten just how excruciatingly violent the opening slaughterfest is, and how deplorable these guys are when you separate the reality from the fantasy of cinema.  Sam Peckinpah's West is a savage, hateful heartland - it's a brutal reminder of the corpses resting beneath this country's foundation.  So much orange blood.  And I love it.  William Holden is a scumbag gangster on a horse.  His friends are killers.  They're only heroic when standing next to the greed of the railroad beasts.  But when the frame of the film closes on a second bloody showdown, you see our heroes grab women as shields and do all they can to spend one last second killing another man.  It's a bleak world.  Not the happy black & white morality usually subjected upon John Wayne's fan base.  And I would give my last hit of tequila to have been an audience member during that original release.

Furious 6:  Fast Five brought America to the franchise, but Furious 6 is mostly for the already established fans.  The film does not simply jump from one action scene to the next (most of which have been spoiled in the trailers); there are whole segments that would mean nothing to anyone but the die hardest of die hard fans - seriously, why are we returning to L.A. to pigstick a baddie from two films back?  Um, cuz this is The Avengers of Shitty Car Racing Films!!!!  Yeah!!!!  Vin Diesel is soooooo damn serious.  I mean, he's always serious, but this time he's serrrrrrrrious.  Michele Rodriguez returns with a plot stolen from daytime television, and Vin bails on his smokin' hot Brazilian girlfriend for the downgrade.  Come on man, there's plenty of love in your heart for two ladies (& The Rock)!  Paul Walker & Jordana Brewster are pretty much sidelined this outing, but that's okay cuz there's more room for The Rock & Sung Kang to scowl and strut.  Furious 6 also might contain the single best stinger I've ever experienced in a theater (sorry Masters of the Universe), and I'm pumped for next year's sequel - Just Fast & Furious Enough!  Hmmmmm...this week of beefy beefy beefy men may have driven me mad.

My Dirty Dumb Eyes by Lisa Hanawalt:  Whoa.  This lady is one sick puppy.  And I love her.  A random collection of drawings & thoughts sprinkled with painfully humorous reviews of some of my favorite modern movies.  Ryan Gosling in Drive: "I think they could have gone a little further and given him a few more accouterments...246 Toothpicks!"  Or the peace pony film War Horse: "I'm also bummed that War Horse isn't more bad-ass and this isn't a horse version of 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes."  And let's not even talk about her thoughts regarding Red Angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  If you are at all sheepish around sexuality than don't bother, but if you're ready to poke fun at yourself and others than Lisa Hanawalt is a fantastically smutty gateway into absurdity.

Isle of 100,000 Graves by Jason:  Matt's recent batch of reviews had me reaching for the bookshelf.  Not my favorite Jason book (that would be The Last Musketeer), but this twisted little pirate story is one messed up adventure.  A young girl convinces a gang of thieves to escort her to the Hangman Academy in search of her wayward father.  Meanwhile a young boy rejects his execution education in favor of a bloodless lifestyle.  Each humorous panel hides a bleak outlook, and you can't help but feel terrible as you chuckle along.  Jason is one of the great cartoonists working in the field today, and if you're unaware of his work then this would be a fine starting point.

--Brad

Matt’s Week in Dork! (5/19/13-5/25/13)

    On Sunday morning I read Alan Moore’s Skizz.  It was an OK bit of fluff.  Then I read three graphic novels by Jason.  Dang, that guy’s a genius…of some kind.  Between Jason books, I read Animal Man volumes 1 and 2.  Not genius.  And on Wednesday night, I finished Christa Faust’s first Fringe tie-in novel.  Good stuff.  Later in the week I read the Poul Anderson short story The Problem of Pain.  Interesting look at an alien religion through the eyes of a religious human, and how concepts of God and ethics vary.

Surveillance:  “You know how people get out here, Captain.”  Some dark, dark things are going down in Middle America.  At a rural police station, some cops, some witnesses, and a couple F.B.I. agents come together to piece together the facts of a series of brutal murders.  Everyone’s got a secret.  Tensions are high.  And as the stories come together the madness ramps up.  Broken and twisted people.  Monsters hiding behind human faces.  Director Jennifer Lynch came back after a long absence with this gleefully bizarre descent into human horror.  Who would have thought someone could make French Stewart terrifying (‘I’m all about safety.  That’s how I do it.’)?  And he ain’t the half of it.  Julia Ormond, Bill Pullman, and a whole cast of excellent second or third stringers help pull this absolutely awful business through hell and beyond.  Actions these horrendous shouldn’t be this much fun to watch.

The Talented Mr. Ripley:  “I always thought it’d be better to be a fake somebody, than a real nobody.”  Can you ever trust someone?  Where does friendship end and dangerous obsession begin?  The dark side of friendship comes to light with this thriller about young, pretty Americans living the ex-pat life in Italy.  A young man who tells lies like breathing goes to Europe to bring a wealthy scion back home.  Things get pretty intense as Tom Ripley drowns himself in the life of Dickie Greenleaf.  But nothing lasts forever.  Tom is a caterpillar approaching his moment, when he will become a butterfly, birthed in the blood of a man.  Patricia Highsmith’s devilishly charming archvillain Tom Ripley begins his career of mischief and mayhem in this beautifully stylish film.  It recreates an era of post-War Europe where the wealthy could live lives of beauty and frivolity that casts its spell to this day.  This is the life that would give rise to the Bond films, to all those romantic capers, to the advertising campaigns of Mad Men.  Light a cigarette, slick back your hair, put on a nice jacket, and get ready for some swinging jazz…and murder.  I’m profoundly impressed by how the film somehow makes you empathize with a murdering nutcase.

The Slams:  Jim Brown crosses the mob for a ton of dough.  He  goes to prison, but it’s OK.  He can do his time ‘til it’s time.  But everybody wants to get a piece of him, or a piece of his action.  He befriends the African Tom Jones while getting in trouble with James Coburn’s giant twin.  Every character actor they could find has been crammed into 91 minutes.  It has some good moments, and I love Jim Brown.  But I don’t like prison movies and this one didn’t win me over.

Calendar Girls:  “Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.”  This extremely cute and heartfelt comedy centers around a group of older women who wish to honor a friend in a way that raises more than a few eyebrows.  An excellent cast and a light but touching script takes the viewer through numerous awkward encounters and cheeky misunderstandings.  But it’s all very recognizable.  These are people we know.  They’re the people we’ll soon become.  Mortality, aging, abandonment, grief, and the simple joys of love, friends, and family.  If you’re in the mood for a nice, adult comedy that isn’t just about fart jokes, check this one out.

The ABCs of Death:  Anthologies are tricky.  Any anthology.  Anthology films are really tricky.  This features 26 short films, each based off a word from a letter of the alphabet (D is for Dogfight, W is for WTF?, U is for Unearthed, etc.).  Some are really neat.  Some are really lame.  A bunch are in the middle.  There is absolutely no consistency in tone, style, or strength of content.  Some look professional, others like amateur hour.  Some have some very strong gore or extremely wrong behavior.  Others are just good clean fun.  If you’re a horror fan, you should find at least a few to enjoy, and none of them are so long that you can’t sit through ‘em.

Star Trek:  “I like this ship!”  In 2009, something fairly surprising happened.  A movie came out that was at once a sequel, and a re-launch of a venerable TV and film franchise, that was fun and entertaining while being true to much of the spirit of the original, that brought in new fans on an unprecedented level, yet managed to mostly please a legendarily picky and unhappy fanbase.  By creating an ‘alternate timeline’ the writers were able to go back and revisit the most popular characters of the Trek universe, without being hamstrung by decades of established history that was more bloated, contradictory, and minutia-weighted than the Bible.  Star Trek is an exciting film that manages to balance action, emotion, and humor without letting one get in the way of the other.  And when it ended, the universe was wide open for a really thrilling and new story to be crafted…Of course, after having watched Into Darkness, it turns out the universe was wide open for shoddy rehash.  Sad.  Still, this movie is a blast for all but the most cynical.

They Live:  “I believe in America.”  The Alamo Drafthouse recently opened a location here in Northern Virginia, and I was glad to get out this week to see one of my favorite 80s movies, and one of John Carpenter’s greats, They Live.  It’s filled with amazing quotes, ultra-heavy-handed moralizing, kickass Carpenter scoring, and so much Keith David.  And it has one of the all time great fistfights, which must be seen to be believed.  Just when you think it’s over…it’s just begun!

Furious 6:  It deeply saddens me to say that this movie is not nearly as amazing as Fast 5.  It’s fine, I guess.  But there’s a magic missing; and that magic is the sweaty, Jesus-loving sexual tension that permeated every scene between Vin and The Rock.  Yeah, they had their various dames, but their hearts belonged to each other.  That much was obvious.  This time around, it’s just not there.  Also, the middle gets pretty danged dull.  Where Fast 5 kept the adrenaline and idiocy pumping from moment one, right through to the tag, this one flounders a couple of times.  Still, for extremely dumb, meathead action and gratuitousness, this one should have enough to enjoy.  Some cast members are missing, some come back (from the dead).  And a few get shorted on action and screentime.  But it still has plenty of good bits.  Man, Vin gets uglier and uglier as time goes on.  Kiefer Sutherland and Brad Pitt aged into their weird faces.  Vin has become more and more monstrous, like some terrible Clayface.  It’s awesome.  Look, these movies are hysterical, but part of what makes them so awesome is how serious everyone involved takes themselves.  This is heartfelt, sincere stuff, and it’s terrible…But wonderful.  I don’t give a hoot about street racing or cars in general.  But the stupid caper and car battles make for tasty cheese.

Exorcism:  Jess Franco is like Orson Welles with this turn as actor and director.  Except he sucks.  The story is stupid, the dubbing childish, the gore lame.  Some of the women are pretty and there is wall to wall nudity.  For a Franco film, it‘s not too filled with technical flaws.  The music sucks.  The frustration I run into now is that Franco worked on so many movies under so many assumed names, I keep seeing his films, even though I’m trying not to.  Ugh.

Actress yawns her way through a scene.

Grand Hotel:  “Nothing ever happens.”  An all star ensemble cast (a groundbreaking idea at the time) comes together in this 1932 classic.  Great performances abound, as does the cracking dialog.  It’s funny and sad, with some great romantic moments and some very melancholic bits.  Garbo is beautiful, but I was surprised by how pretty young Joan Crawford was.  I think I’m just used to older, crazier Crawford.  And the Barrymore brothers are fantastic.  Good stuff all around and a must for fans of the classics, and of good movies in general.  I can certainly see why it won Best Picture.

John Carter:  “John Carter of Mars; sounds much better.”  After a hundred years, with many starts and stops, a film adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Martian adventures has finally hit the screen and it’s…well, OK.  The story takes bits and pieces of several Mars novels and reworks them into a kind of bland and typical sci-fi adventure.  Now, there are obviously going to be things that seem familiar to anyone not living under a rock, because nearly every science fiction, superhero, or fantasy film made owes a little something to Burroughs and John Carter.  But it did have something unique, and that magic does not make it into the movie.  Or, very little of it does.  Sadly, the awkward and wooden Taylor Kitsch was cast in the title role, which he doesn’t botch, but doesn’t succeed in capturing.  But the saddest thing of all is how Disney itself became this film’s worst enemy.  After putting up a good deal of money, with the director of one of the best recent science fiction films (Wall-E) at the helm, they spent at every ounce of energy at hand to abandon, flee, and burry the film, obscuring its content and driving away everyone who might want to see it.  I read an article that talked about how Disney assumed a huge audience as a matter of course, and spent its advertising budget not on making people want to see it, but on trying to hide any and every aspect that might make someone not want to see it (even changing the name from John Carter of Mars to the completely lifeless John Carter, in case someone thought Mars might scare someone off), which backfired, making nobody at all give two craps about the film.  That sounds about right.  This is a film I’ve been wanting to see for almost 30 years, and by the time it came out, Disney had nearly convinced me not to bother.  Getting back to the movie itself, while it hits several of the right beats, it feels entirely too restrained, never fully daring to go as crazy as the source material demands.  The growth of Tars Tarkas from closet doubter of his people’s cold and brutal ways to openly sympathetic is a great arc in the book, but here is skipped entirely.  Sad.  Time and again the movie goes a little crazy, but time after time it didn’t go anywhere near crazy enough.  I just wish it had done well enough to warrant a sequel, where they might be able to get more on the right track.  Unfortunately, even though its actual box office take was pretty good, it was considered a bomb for whatever reasons movie studios consider movies bombs.

Fast Five:  “You know I like my dessert first.”  After watching the slightly disappointing Furious 6, I figured I had to go back and recharge the love.  This muscle and steel charged heist movie is as dumb as it is sincere.  And believe me, it’s one danged sincere flick  Plus, you add Dwayne Johnson and you know I’m on board.  Silly stunts, a good villain, lots of muscles and sex-faces.  A frickin’ awesomely terrible and fun movie.  While not as homoerotic as pro-wrestling, it’s certainly got more guy-guy chemistry than Brokeback Mountain, as the touching romance between Vin and The Rock unfolds (“I will find you.”).  Sure, Vin has a hot Brazilian girlfriend, but you know he and his family have enough love to go around.  And the way they work in the obligatory street-racing scene…oh, man.  Though the one in Furious 6 is even more entertainingly stupid.  So much hoochie.  And the action sequences are better done, especially the totally ridiculous finale.

Love.

Rabid:  “I decided to try a little experiment.”  I love this movie.  I love its tone, its look, and its shattered dreams.  Plastic surgeons have developed a new experimental technique (basically stem-cells) to repair catastrophic damage.  When a pretty young woman is horribly injured in a motorcycle crash, she gets the treatment.  It’s a Cronenberg film, so you know things aren’t going to go well.  It doesn’t take long for an armpit vagina to shoot out a spiked penis that infects people with a super-strain of rabies, and she goes completely feral.  That old story.  I especially love the opening.  That rotating shot of Marilyn Chambers is gorgeously moody.  And motorcycle riding sequence that follows is nice, reminding me a bit of the driving footage in Mad Max (not in content but cinematography, I guess).  And that gorgeous, cold Canadian desolation is like a bare tree covered desert.  Every time I see this it makes me a little sad that Chambers wasn’t able to make the transition to mainstream film.  She isn’t an amazing actress, but she has a quality, a sort of open sweetness with just a dash of danger that I think could have been cultivated.  Frank Moore who plays her boyfriend is like the Canadian Christopher Walken…only really bad.  His crying phone meltdown is some epic Shatner level stuff.  The rest of the cast is all over the place, from good to bad.  And there are elements of the final act that could have been better with a bigger budget.  But a good, uncomfortable film.

    And that was pretty much it.  Finally, on Saturday, the sun really came out, though the temperature also dropped back into unseasonably cool.  That’s been the last 6 plus months here in the greater DC area.  Autumn turned cool very early, Winter dragged on too long, and Spring stayed cool until it got super-hot.  And rain all the time.  Starting to feel like I’m back in Maine.  With all the rain, I’ve spent a lot of time indoors, watching movies and reading books.  Now, I like those things.  But I also enjoy riding my bike, taking walks, and going places in the sun.  Hopefully the Summer gets better.  I don’t want to have to look into moving out west.  That does not appeal to me, but if it doesn’t stop raining, I’m going to have to do something.

-Matt

A Fistful of Road Rage! (Brad's Picks)

The Fast and The Furious franchise has to be one of the few cinematic endeavors in which each subsequent film gets better and better.  Sure, dumber and dumber too but dang!  Justin Lin knows how to string together some serious vehicular slaughter.  And when he added The Rock into that volatile mix of blood, bullets, & octane he hit upon something epically macho and utterly bro.  This series is a goof.  And I didn't start to pay attention until Mr. Johnson hopped on board, but as I've spent most of this past week prepping for Friday's Furious 6 release, I've found quite a bit of fun in the over-the-top absurdity of the Lin trilogy...soon to be quadrilogy!  To celebrate this mondo gonzo action saga, here are my top five favorite moments of Road Rage!

5.  Bonus Points (Death Race 2000):  Set in the far flung future of 2000 AD, the American government and the world's religions have crashed into each other forming The Bipartisan Party.  To keep the masses in line and glued to their television sets, The Party hosts an annual Transcontinental Road Race in which celebrity combatants like David Caradine's Frankenstein and Sylvester Stallone's Machine Gun Joe crash & smash their way to a gory finish line.  As much fun as it is to watch these gladiators go up against each other, the real hateful blood lust commentary comes from the Bonus Round.  Along the way if they hit innocent bystanders each driver is given a few extra points towards their victory.  Special Bonuses are awarded to dead children & the elderly.  Yes, before Grand Theft Auto there was Death Race 2000.  A real sick puppy, but funny as heck if you're blessed with a dark heart.

4. Open Season on the L.A. Freeway (L.A. Story):  Steve Martin's struggles in the land of weird are painful in their comedic attack, but no scene is as uncomfortable or as a accurate than the First Day of Spring in Los Angeles.  Martin's wacky weatherman with delusions of grandeur finds himself trapped on the LA Freeway, and his petty arguments must take a break for gunplay.  Thankfully he's got his revolver in the glove box and he can fend for himself as those around him discharge their hate upon his car.  Damn funny, but real sick humor.

3.  Popeye Doyle's Train Chase (The French Connection):  You can't talk about car chases without talking about the granddaddy of them all.  Gene Hackman's narcotics cop attempts to pursue a suspect after he's boarded the New York Subway.  The Detective nearly kills half a dozen people as he rams his Pontiac through garbage dumps and takes to sidewalks.  The brilliance is not the chase itself, but how it represents Doyle's reckless anger; all he has in life is the pursuit and it really doesn't matter what good or bad comes from it.

2.  Stuntman Mike's Collision Course (Death Proof):  As the second half of the ambitious Grindhouse, Death Proof is easily my least favorite entry in Quentin Tarantino's directorial canon (yes, that includes Four Rooms & that episode of CSI he helmed), but the one thing its got going for itself is that horrendous crackup at the center of the film.  While terrorizing Rose McGowan in the passenger seat, Kurt Russel's Stuntman Mike drives his tricked out death machine right into oncoming traffic.  His victim, the self centered Jungle Julia & her drunk cronies.  Tires go through faces, legs are ripped from windows, glass cuts through throats.  It is withoutadoubt the most graphic car crash ever put on screen. And it's essential viewing for driver's ed classes everywhere. Grisly, nasty stuff.

1.  Mad Max's Decoy (The Road Warrior):  You could easily snatch 6 or 7 great moments of road rage from this film or the original Mad Max, but the king daddy of tarmac warfare has to go to Lord Humungus' climactic tanker assault.  It is a breakneck chase, with Max behind the wheel attempting to swerve villains off the road and jamming his shotgun in their faces when they get to close to the bucket.  Director George Miller is a madman himself, putting his camera right up on the whiplashing action and at any moment the viewer feels like they too could plummet to their own road rashing death.

--Brad