Brad's Week in Dork! (11/10/13-11/16/13)

I took it easy this week.  Nothing too exciting or revolutionary was consumed.  The best bits involved John Carpenter and everybody's favorite inmate.  I cranked out one new film from 2013 (too bad it was a meh), and our latest meeting of The Ultimate Justice League of Extraordinary Graphic Novel Book Club was a rip roaring success.  Still, I will have to do much better next week.  (Pssst...since this is going up several days late, I can tell you that next's week's entry is waaaaaaaay better.  Two words - Fantastic Fest!).

Ain't Them Bodies Saints:  Not quite Bonnie & Clyde or Badlands, this tale of outlaw romance is too one sided to claim kinship with superior films, but director David Lowery certainly seems intent on imposing Terrance Mallick's self-important lingering eye on the characters and setting.  After several years of incarceration, Casey Affleck escapes the state pen in a mad dash to reunite with his wife and daughter.  Rooney Mara hides too much emotion, and the question of her undying love for Affleck is more frustrating than compelling.  If I liked anything about this wannabe Texas Noir, it's the side players.  Ben Foster stretches beyond his usual rage fueled persona, and actually captures a sadsack with his portrayal of Deputy Wheeler, lost in the gaze of the equally lovelorn Mara.  And of course I love Keith Carradine playing a scumbag cowboy of yesteryear.  If the film actually took his point of view than maybe I would have given a damn about the plot.

Man of Steel:  There is so much that I love about this film - the birth of Kal-El, the destruction of Krypton, Russell Crowe's badass space daddy, and yes, the third act nonstop devastation of Metropolis.  But there is also so much that I hate about this film - Michael Shannon's screaming Zod, the nonstop shaky cam, and Pa Kent's desperate fear for his alien son.  Still, I was quick to snatch up the blu ray this week and it's looks gorgeous in high definition.  You will believe a man can fly.  Then I watched the Honest Trailer.  Yikes.  "...this is the reboot for you psycho."  The Screen Junkies have a special ability to cut to the quick of Blockbuster Idiocy, and their latest Man of Steel ribbing just might be the most brutally accurate attack yet.  Funny as hell too.  Man of Steel is not garbage, but it's also not The Dark Knight it so desperately want to be - Snyder certainly doesn't understand or appreciate the differences between DC Comics's flagship characters.  Which is not only a shame, but utterly pathetic when you think of how Marvel Studios seems to have cracked the nut of not just their Avengers, but the god damn Rocket Raccoon.  Madness.

Thor - The Dark World:  Coming off my Man of Steel rewatch, I'm even more impressed with the universe building going on at The House of Ideas.  This God of Thunder sequel certainly doesn't reach the heavens like The Avengers or even Iron Man 3, but I really appreciate the adventurous spirit of this science-fiction fantasy.  Space Ships and Lasers and Elves Oh My!  Marvel Studios doesn't seem interested in elevating the super hero genre, only in establishing it's comic book roots into the multiplexes.  Are the films as good as the funny pages?  Not yet.  But we're well on our way.

Escape From New York:  "You gonna kill me now, Snake?"  Kurt Russell does Clint Eastwood in yet another faux Western from John Carpenter, and its a masterpiece of 80s machismo.  Escape From New York manages to walk the line of camp and super cool TNT.  It's the 1990s.  America has gone to pot.  Manhattan has been transformed into a maximum security prison to house the very worst of its home grown scum.  Murderers, Rapists, Cab Drivers.  When Air Force One crash lands behind the walls, Lee Van Cleef's warden can think of only one thing to do - send in celebrity outlaw Snake Plissken to take down Isaac Hayes's overlord and retrieve POTUS.  Sure, that makes sense.  Everyone might think he's dead, but Kurt Russell's Snake is very much alive as he dispatches a cadre of freaks - my favorite being the shark toothed Frank Doubleday.  Man,  that dude is scary.  Escape From New York is packed with great supporting players like Harry Dead Stanton, Adrienne Barbeau, Ernest Borgnine, and Donald Pleasance.  None of them get terrible amounts of screen time, but all seem to take great pleasure in chewing the scenery.  "You're the Duke!  You're A Number Onnnnnnnnne!!!!!"  Seriously, if you've been watching movies for more than a decade than hopefully you already know the giddy joys of John Carpenter's Escape From New York.  Gosh, why they attempted to retread this script in LA is beyond me, but I'm ready for a proper sequel.

The Fog:  "Something did happen once."  That quote pretty much sums up my feelings for this Carpenter misstep.  I dig the opening campfire spook story, but the actual plot involving pirate ghosts in the mist is real dullsville.  Tom Atkins costars without his mustache and that's probably the first mistake in a string of them.  The other big one being the leading lady split between Adrienne Barbeaux's DJ Mama and Jaime Lee Curtis' mop-topped drifter.  The film never seems happy with its direction, jumping from scene to scene, and providing a kill when the filmmakers have no clue on what to do next.  Dean Cundey's cinematography is typically moody, and you can never hate on a John Carpenter score, but The Fog never finds its footing and none of the actors seem too bothered to be there.  Scream Factory goes all in with the blu ray, but all the special features in the world can't save this snooze.

Boxers & Saints by Gene Luen Yang:  Check out Matt's review for a little more depth, but I found this dueling graphic novel to be exceptional.  The first book follows China's Boxer Rebellion from the point of view of young Bao, a child who's fatherly hero worship is wrecked when Pop is horrendously beaten at the hands of "foreign devils."  Under the tutelage of Red Lantern Chu & Master Big Belly, Bao is possessed by the gods of China and leads a revolution against those that would enslave their land and culture.  What begins as a Kung Fu romp quickly turns to stomach churning genocide.  The second book, Saints, explores The Boxer Rebellion from the point of view of young Four-Girl.  A child cursed by her family by simply being alive.  Her quest for Devilhood and familial banishment eventually brings Four-Girl into the not-so-open arms of Christianity as well as the confused spirit of Joan of Arc.  Not the happiest of comic books, I was surprised to discover that everyone in our Graphic Novel Book Club loved the dueling stories...but not for the same reasons.  And as such, Boxers & Saints turned out to be one of our more successful discussions and I would recommend it to anyone looking beyond the capes & spandex of the four color form.

CBGB:  If you loved Randall Miller's Bottle Shock or Noble Son than you'll love this follow up.  The problem is that you didn't love either of those movies, you just thought they were o.k.  So is CBGB.  It's always fun to see Alan Rickman in a starring turn, and his Hilly Krystal is a fun bit of morose enthusiasm.  And I guess its cool to see Malin Akerman as Deborah Harry or Rupert Grint as Cheetah Chrome.  But if Punk music is more than just The Sex Pistols to you than you'll probably role your eyes a bunch during the film's run time.  Painfully slight, but not the worst way to kill 90 minutes.

--Brad

Brad's Week in Dork! (6/9/13-6/15/13)

I spent most of this week in my PJs, or at least cinematically wrapped in spandex.  Man of Steel marks Warner Brothers desperate attempt to capture that Marvel magic.  The company has been raking in Bat-Dollars, but they have yet to establish a superhero cinematic universe.  Stinkers like Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, and Catwoman portray a studio with its thumb stuck up its collective asses; a boardroom of nimrod headscratchers utterly baffled by the success of Disney's Avengers Assemblage.   Enter Zack Snyder, fresh off his disastrous snoozefest Sucker Punch, and just as equal to prove himself as the suits dropping him at the helm.  At its very least, Man of Steel throws a punch and delivers a level of action not yet seen cinematically from our boy blue.

Last year with the release of the blu ray box set, I revisited the Richard Donner Superman films, and I was saddened to discover that my nostalgia was not strong enough to battle the goof of Gene Hackman or the WTF of Supes's random, do-whats-needed Kryptonian powers.  Once I believed a man could fly, now I'm just simply charmed by the joyous energy of Christopher Reeve.  His back & forth performance nearly reaches the height of Frank Quietly's presto-changeo transformative design.  He achieves with a voice and a head tilt what no other actor ever bothered with before or since (oh, Brandon Routh...you tried...that's admirable...).  At the very least, what I pull from the Donner films is the loss of Christopher Reeve's talent.  He found stardom in a cape, nearly reached the stars agin with Deathtrap, but never could quite escape the shadow of the icon.  Reeve will always be Kal-El.  And Routh will always be his shadow.  Can Henry Cavil makes a career from the Man of Steel?  Maybe.  But I have my doubts.  He's certainly no Reeve, but is the world more willing to let actors shed their characters?  I'm still waiting for Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Evans (that's a lot of Chrises!) to grow beyond their franchises.

There was other non-Kryptonian fun to be had this week.  Year 2 of our Ultimate Justice League of Extraordinary Book Club started with a tie-in Graphic Novel classic, All-Star Superman.  Some did not see the light, but I reevaluated my Top Ten Comics of All Time to include this masterful celebration of superheroics.  Grant Morrison & Frank Quitely deliver a revelation for the Man of Steel.  The Wife & I ventured into DC to see Marc Maron at the Sixth & I Synagogue.  A unique venue perfectly suited for the troubled rants of the WTF podcaster.  I struggled through the first season of The X-Files and witnessed the year's worst film On Demand...Black Rock....yeash.  But I also possibly saw my favorite film of the year......gulp, This Is The End. Really!?!?!? I enjoyed that film more than Iron Man 3 or Furious 6 or Before Midnight or Side Effects? Well, it's been a pretty bland year so far. A lot of decent stuff, but no real GREAT movies. This Is The End is certainly the film I had the most fun while watching. Super stupid. Happily offensive.  Joyously ignorant.  God Damn Funny.  Is it art?  Yeah.  Allow it.

Action Comics Volume 2 - Bulletproof:  This is not All-Star Superman.  And that's its greatest fault.  Not fair to judge a writer's current work to his absolute best, but All-Star's shadow is large and it cast a dark shade over everything found in Grant Morrison's New 52 work.  There are some solid moments to be found - "The Boy Who Stole Superman's Cape" and the elseworld adventures of President Superman - however, this second volume of Action Comics is just too disjointed to get on board.  And when halfway through the hardcover Grant Morrison disappears and we're tortured with mediocre backup stories.  Not cool DC.  Volume 1 was a meh.  Volume 2 is an easy pass.

Superman - The Movie:  How many times have I watched this film?  50?  100?  It certainly didn't define my childhood the way Star Wars or even Arnold Schwarzenegger did, but I can't remember a time when I was unaware of Christopher Reeve's Superman.  I remember my recorded VHS copy littered with filthy commercials eventually snapping under the strain of rewind.  I remember loving Superman's final subway assault on Lex Luthor's underground bunker.  I remember blushing at the bounce of Miss Teschmacher's cleavage.  Yowza.  As stated above, last year's blu ray rewatch tainted the childhood memory a bit.  I just can't handle Gene Hackman & Ned Beaty's goofy duo routine.  They feel false.  Superman falling for the lead box scheme is certainly lame.  And Margot Kidder's Lois Lane grates the nerves as cinema's whiniest damsel in distress...and her flygirl inner monologue?  Just gross.  A year later, revisiting the film with Man of Steel barreling down upon us, I still feel the pang of Hackman & Kidder.  They just don't work for me.  Christopher Reeve on the other hand?  The guy is just golden as Clark.  His midwest act is hilarious, and you realize what a perfect disguise it is for these big city Metropolis bozos - especially when Lois can't bare to pull her eyes from the typewriter.  And then he turns into the upright Superman.  He's all deep voice and barrel chest.  It's a great performance, and it's the reason the film has lasted in the memories of fanboys&girls. It's also the reason Superman continues in the public consciousness even when the comic book has sucked the life out of the character for decades.  Wal-Mart sells shirts cuz of this guy.

Superman II:  Ten years ago, Superman II would have landed in my Top Ten Comic Book Movies of all time list.  Either we've been blessed with far greater product, or I've finally pulled my head from the sand because I just hated it this go around.  Sure, I still love Terrance Stamp's beardy scenery chewing and his demand for kneeling.  And Christopher Reeve is utterly fantastic for all the reasons stated above.  But what is going on with this nutty powerloss story?  On one hand we've got Zod & his jumpsuit gang tearing apart middle America, and on the other we have the horrendously dull Niagara falls romance.  The American Way is burning to ashes and Superman is crying in a diner cuz a garbage eating truck driver just gave him a bloody nose.  The mid reel is painfully long and embarrassing to the character.  And the Fortress of Solitude powerloss machine is just as infuriating and laughable as Supes's time travel spin from the first film.  Also, what exactly are the Kryptonian powers?  Flight.  X-Ray Vision.  Super Strength.  Heat Ray.  Ok.  Got it.  Um....levitation...finger lasers....teleportation....S Logo Nets.....WHAT - THE - HELL?  The screenplay treats its audience as children.  And for the most part we ate it up.  But I'm done chowing down on Superman II.  I'm sure I'll continue to revisit the first film, but Donner's bastard boy is no longer for me.  Yes, even The Limey Zod can't keep me.

Marc Maron @ Sixth and I:  "Jews Are Special!"  On Tuesday night, The Wife & I ventured into Washington DC's Chinatown to see stand-up & podcaster extraordinaire Marc Maron read from his new essay collection, Attempting Normal.  I have never before seen anyone at the Sixth & I's historic synagogue, and it turns out to be a fantastic venue for something of this nature.  Sure, it's a little odd when Maron is ranting about how you don't need god to get sober when the Star of David hangs above his head, but the irony was not lost on him and he seemed to revel in it.  Maron shared the joys & horrors of the road, got personal about his father, and reminded the audience of the importance of Thanksgiving.  Marc Maron's talent rests in his ability to pull the crowd into the act.  This was not a simple dry reading like the dozens of Bestseller bouts I've experienced in the past.  He would read a little, ask a question to the crowd, offer a little commentary, and continue on with the essay.  Basically a Special Edition DVD experience of his book.  Very cool.

The X-Files - Season One:  This was probably the first television show that I ever obsessed over, but I had not revisited it since the final episode aired...well, with the exception of that horrid cinematic sequel  - yikes!  I quickly discovered that I couldn't binge watch The X-Files in the same manner as BSG, or Lost, or even Magnum P.I.  This show is wonky.  The chemistry between David Duchovny & Gillian Anderson is there from the pilot episode, but Chris Carter's antics are not nearly as thrilling as I once thought.  And there is a whole hell of a lot of filler in these 24 episodes.  I could not possibly care less about mysteries-of-the-week like "The Jersey Devil," "Ghost in the Machine," or "Fire."  So many of these concepts have been explored before in literature and film and often The X-Files can't even scratch the surface of what made the original material interesting.  That's not to say there's not good stuff here cuz there most certainly is - "Squeeze," "EVE," "Beyond the Sea," & "Darkness Falls" all offer up some pretty decent scares mixed with solid character work.  But I remember this show better.  And I'm hoping the next season shines brighter than this dull beginning.

Black Rock:  Wow.  Just wow.  I'm not sure what's worse - the utterly boring execution of a totally unoriginal screenplay, or the heinous scream acting of its three leads.  Whichever offense wins, the audience most certainly looses.  Kate Bosworth tricks her two bickering friends (Kate Aselton & Lake Bell) into a camping excursion on a remote island off the Maine coast.  There they encounter high school chums turned combat vets turned rapists.  Last House on the Left shenanigans occur from there - rocks in faces, sexual deviance at gunpoint, blah, blah, blah.  Black Rock is just the very worst of Final Girl exploitation, and just confused enough to believe itself empowering.  Wrong.

Superman Unbound:  Loosely based on Geoff Johns' Brainiac storyarc from Action Comics, this latest direct-to-dvder from DC Studios is simply fairly forgettable fluff.  The evil Kryptonian computer comes to Earth in an effort to dissect & bottle humanity; Superman gets all self-righteous before doing his whole smashing bit.  It's hard to believe that this studio can put out something as innovating & stunning as The Dark Knight Returns and The New Frontier, but still stoop to such a sophomoric snooze.  And I gotta wonder why Superman Beyond is sooooo free with the blood?  Brainiac is punching tentacles through skulls, gore splashing across the screen.  The story is too kiddy or simple to support the violence, and Lois Lane flipping Brainiac the bird is just silly.  This film feels very 90s; it belongs polybagged and wrapped in a chromium cover, read once, and put away for good.

Superman Unchained #1:  Speaking of the 90s....Scott Snyder & Jim Lee team up to revolutionize the Man of Steel just in time for his new movie.  Well, it's not terrible.  Someone or something is hurtling satellites towards Earth.  Supes goes up to space to smash.  But what does it all have to do with the nuclear destruction of Nagasaki?  Has the U.S. Government been secreting away it's own super human project for the past 75 years?  Well, of course it has!  I can't really hate on this issue, but it certainly failed to excite me.  Hopefully Snyder has some tricks up his sleeve because as nice as it is too gaze upon Jim Lee's art, that is certainly not enough to keep my interest.

Batman #21:  Scott Snyder & Greg Capullo's year long origin story starts here, and similar to Superman Uncahined, it's a wait and see situation.  I've said it before and I'm afraid I gotta say it again, Scott Snyder has pretty much lost me since the conclusion of The Court of Owls, and I'm afraid a Frank Miller Year One rehash is not enough to impassion my Bat-Nostalgia.  If Zero Year delves deeper into the mysterious dread of Gotham City's past than that might be a fun way to develop what was started with The Court, however, I'm worried this is just going to be another evil mastermind scheme.  The big bad revealed on the last pages here is not the shocker or the draw to boost my confidence in Snyder's dwindling run.  We will see...

This Is The End:  "Fuck Your House Franco!!!"  It sorta puzzles my noggin, but the pothead stoner comedy of Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg seriously pulverizes my funny bone.  They did it before with Pineapple Express & Your Highness, and they do it again with this happily hateful satirization of Hollywood.  During James Franco's batshit-out-of-control housewarming party Revelation strikes and the narcissistic celebrities are left behind to face the Apocalypse.  We're talking sinkholes, burning Hollywood Hills, Old Scratch & his seven heads.  It's all in the title.  Seth Rogen & Jay Baruchel struggle with friendship as James Franco protects his hipster art from Danny McBride's uncontrollable masturbation.  Craig Robinson stands guard with his Teddy Bear flashlight Terrance Peterson, but Jonah Hill uses faith as a weapon only to pay the ultimate price - Rosemary's Baby style!  This Is The End is a gross, painful, stupid, and gleefully offensive religious assault.  Simply the most fun I've had at the movies this year.

All-Star Superman:  "You have given them an ideal to aspire to, embodied their highest aspirations.  They will race, and stumble, and fall and crawl and curse...and finally...they will join you in the sun, Kal-El."  Spoken by his father Jor-El, the above passage comes late in the graphic novel, but gets right to the heart of the character in a way that no other writer has ever come close to scratching.  As Matt stated in his review, Superman is not better than us, but he represents the potential of the human race.  He may have had good Kryptonion breeding, but it's his midwestern Apple Pie youth that shapes him into the concrete slab of morality we all admire.  With All-Star Superman, Grant Morrison & Frank Quitely plunge the depths of the 75 year old character and reach a final mission statement by exploring the end of Superman.  Along the way they celebrate the crazy of classic comics (Lois Lane - Super Woman! Atlas & Samson vs the Ultra Sphinx!  Doomsday Jimmy!  Zibarro the Bizarro Poet!) that will either alienate new readers or draw them in to the massive but joyful decades of continuity.  I've read All-Star Superman a half dozen time now, and it's safe to say that it ranks at the very top of my All Time Favorite Comics.  It is a classic, and the ultimate Superman experience.

Superman Returns:  "I'm always around."  I think it's pretty obvious that Bryan Singer's relaunch is too in love with Richard Donner's original film.  As fun as it is to hear John Williams's score or Marlon Brando's Jor-El, Superman Returns can never break free from the memory of a better movie.  And yes, Donner's Superman is far superior to this retread.  Obviously, a big problem is that Supes never throws a punch.  He lifts some stuff.  He bounces some bullets off his chest.  He flies real fast.  But that's about it.  Mostly he spends the film being super oogie creepy as he peeps in on Lois Lane & family.  Brandon Routh sure cuts a strong Christopher Reeve profile, but he's given very little to perform.  Kevin Spacey channels too much of the Hackman's Luthor, hamming his way through yet another real estate scheme. There really is only one moment to cherish, and that's Eve Marie Saint helplessly attempting to be near her son Clark as he lies poisoned in a hospital bed.  That's the closest this film comes to plucking a heartstring.

All Star Superman:  "It's time to get serious about killing Superman."  Stripping away a lot of the crazy side stories, and struggling to maintain the philosophy of Grant Morrison's original novel, the All-Star Superman animated film succeeds more often than if flounders.  Lex Luthor boobytraps a mission to explore the sun, and successful poisons Superman's cellular structure.  Supes has one year to live, and he must attempt to leave the planet Earth in strong standing as well as say goodbye to the one woman he's ever loved.  There is still plenty of heart and morality in the film, but there's no fooling that this is first and foremost an action cartoon.  The Parasite prison breakout is certainly the hightlight, but I'm also stunned at how well they were able to pull off the climactic world eater battle.  Not quite the genius of the comic book, but All-Star Superman still feels like the most solid adaptation of the character.

Watchmen:  I am an Alan Moore fan.  I read comics, so I have to be.  However, I've never been than much of a Watchmen freak.  Frankly, I'll take From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Tom Strong, Promethea, and Swamp Thing any day over Watchmen.  Blashpemy you say...oh well.  That is until I saw Zack Snyder's film.  Yes, I did not appreciate the story until I saw it on the big screen.  There is a coldness to the performances as well as Snyder's fetishizing camera, but it all pretty much fits the tone of Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons' post-modern sendup.  Jackie Earl Haley's Rorschach is probably the easiest performance to love, his guttural "Hurms" of contempt almost as pleasurable as the dead delivery in which he dispatches justice.  With each new Silver Screen Superhero we see, Watchmen becomes more and more relevant.  Double Bill this with Joss Whedon's The Avengers and you've gotta a helluva night.  It's still a hate letter directed at Thatcher/Reagan politics, but it's nice (or utterly depressing) to see that these issues are still ripe for ribbing to this day.  And I don't miss the Squid.  Fanboys go on raving, but Snyder's ending feels sound with the setting he erected.  After Watchmen, Snyder could have made ten more Sucker Punches, and I would have been perfectly happy with his career.

Superman vs. The Elite:  This short film attempts to address the godhood of Superman, and the consequence of his heroics.  A punk rock super being known as Manchester Black is tired of giving bad guys second chances.  How many times can Lex Luthor break out of jail and kill dozens of people before Superman drops him in a volcano.  Black is disgusted by Kal-El's snooty ethics, and with the aide of his mutant goonsquad, he's gonna right Big Blue's wrongs.  There is an interesting idea here, and I would be curious to read the source material.  However, the film itself is far too banal.  The animation boring.  The voice work tepid.  About the only aspect of this movie that I liked was the opening credits seen below.  Silly punk rock.

Man of Steel:  "This Man Is Not Our Enemy."  There is a lot to enjoy about this Christopher Nolan Production of a Zack Snyder Film.  The opening twenty minutes are a sci-fi feast of Krypton.  This is not the Ice Castle set of the Donner film or the CG mystery of television's Smallville.  David Goyer's script establishes an alien landscape with its own government, status structure, and wildlife.  Russell Crowe's Jor-El is a desperate scientist beating upon the arrogant certitude of his people.  The Birth of Kal-El is as important to the Krypton people as it will most obviously be for the citizens of Earth.  These are ideas explored previously in the comics, but will most likely come as huge surprises for modern movie going audiences.   Jor-El's final moments with his wife & son before the rocket launches into space are heartthumping, and I was moved to tears before the prologue could even finish.

Screenwriter Goyer pretty much mimics the structure he used so well in Batman Begins, hopping from Clark Kent's present day hoboing to his childhood farmland memories.  If it ain't broke don't fix it, and I appreciated the loose storytelling as opposed to the A to B origin building.  However, my problems start to arise with The Kents.  Kevin Costner's Pa is another strong father figure and he mirrors well with Crowe's space daddy, but I found his fear - or distrust - of man to be unsettling.  Pa Kent is The American Way.  His staunch ethics and middle American nature should instill a faith in humanity not dread.  And his inevitable end handled in the film robs Clark of the lesson of human frailty.  It's a Marvel Comics moment, an Uncle Ben, and not the big universe idea of DC Comics.

Whereas the last cinematic adventure was afraid to throw a punch, Man of Steel is almost all action.  From the moment Michael Shannon's Zod arrives on Earth, Superman is caught in one fiery explosion or another.  Smallville, IHOP, and Metropolis have never seen so much devastation...in fact, has an American city ever been as punished as much as Metropolis is here in Man of Steel's final moments?  A lot has been made of the destruction, but honestly, other than it droning on for a bit too long, I really enjoyed seeing two super beings bash the living hell out of one another.  If two creatures of this godlike strength ever came into contact with each other, our cities would certainly crumble.  It's a politically correct post-9/11 world, but at the end of the day, this is just a movie and Comic Book flicks demand Comic Book Destruction. But maybe Superman, you could hold off your Lois Lane smooches until you step out of the crater made from human ash.

Warner Brothers & Zach Snyder are certainly in love with Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy.  The director apes a lot of that film's style and goes a little too crazy with the handheld photography.  But if you pop a couple of dramamine, your body will eventually adjust to the woozy movement, and you might even find yourself enjoying the digital theatrics of Superman's punch-ups.  It's long, and there are quibbles to be had for folks who obsess over spandex, but I'll allow Man of Steel the title of best live-action Superman film (All-Star, yer still tops).

300:  "Tell Xerxes that he faces free men here!"  I was so taken aback by Zack Snyder's Paul Greengrass turnaround in Man of Steel that I wanted to return to the film that made him the mockery of hipster haters everywhere.  I so love Frank Miller's 300.  It's jingoistic, absurdly exploitative, historically embarrassing, and utterly entertaining.  And Snyder shoots it warts and all.  Gerard Butler is the proud King Leonidas, ruler of the Spartan people, defier of false gods, and champion messenger punter.  Everyone involved refuses to bat an eye.  300 succeeds because it's earnest almost up to the point of hilarity, and it's one of the few films to use cgi as an artistic choice rather than an escape route.

JAWS 3D:  "You're talking about some damn shark mother?!?!"  Steven Speilberg's JAWS is one of my all time favorite films (number 5 to be precise), and it's the blockbuster turning point that paved the way for Transformers & Battleships.  But before we could get to the current summer climate, we all had to suffer through the bastardization known as the Jaws sequels.  Seriously, is there a worst film franchise out there?  I dare you to pit The Texas Chainsaw Massacres against Jaws - The Revenge or this beautifully wretched 3D excursion.  Of course, that being said, I had an absolute blast at The Alamo Draft House last week.  Chomping down on Fish & Chips while basking in the Sea World glory of the Spanish Galleon was a real hoot.  Dennis Quaid is a rather impotent leading man struggling to steal the frame from a pair of dolphins (don't worry, he does better in Dreamscape & Inner Space), and Louis Gossett Jr holds a cut like his life depends on it...which it most certainly does!  The very notion that this is the fishy runoff of the perfect popcorn confection that launched America's most beloved filmmaker is completely baffling.

Flex Mentallo - Man of Muscle Mystery:  "Acid, all day, every day...."  I think to fully appreciate this graphic novel you need to also read Grant Morrison's comic book history lesson, Supergods.  I certainly didn't understand this drug fueled nightmare of funny pages insanity until I experienced Morrison's peyote awakening in the outskirts of Nepal.  Flex Mentallo is a fictionalized icon of the four color form who sometimes breaks into our reality when his suicidal creator slips into coma rants.  Yeah, I don't know what that means either.  Flex is our "Hero of the Beach," an Atlas strongman investigating the reappearance of an old chum simply known as The Fact.  Along the way he senses the hand of his creator, discovers the pleasures of spandex sex bars, and contemplates complex issues of gender & sexuality after being exposed to Pink Mentallium...Yeah, this ain't your daddy's comics.

Your Highness:  Danny McBride's pothead appreciation for shitty 80s fantasy films a la Barbarian Queen, The Warrior & The Sorceress, Death Stalker, and Death Stalker 2.  And I love it.  Which seems to be the minority opinion, but all you haters out there obviously don't understand the subtleties of horrendous ADR ("Jumping!") or "Punch & Twist" puppets.  James Franco has never been more dense or adorable as McBride's much beloved brother Prince Fabious, and I'll take this dimwitted nimrod any day over Blockbuster paychecks like Oz The Great & Powerful or Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  Not sure what Natalie Portman is doing in this movie, but she does add to the overall absurdity to the film, and her theatrical delivery of potty mouth insults makes schoolboys giggle.  And let's not forget the confidence of a good butt shot, putting many an ass in seat.  Like their other collaborations, Your Highness is joyfully dumb and gleefully violent.  But it's a special brand of base fanboy humor that I certainly endorse.  So, grab your Blade of Unicorn & swing for the Minotaur's johnson!

Shoot First, Die Later:  Fernando De Leo enjoys the pain and absurdity of violence.  He's Italian.  They know how to do death.  Shoot First, Die Later is the story of good cop turned vigilante after the mob attempts to hook him into their payrole.  That old tune.  It succeeds in its perverse enjoyment of violence, and manages to up the ante with each gonzo set piece.  None of these actors are taking home the SAG award, but Luc Merenda has mastered the stern face and when he sets his sights on his gangster prey you believe his passion for strangleholds.  This film is getting a lot of love on the internet these days, but I don't think it's as punishing or as delightful as De Leo's Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man, which was released earlier last year.

--Brad

"There Will Be Death & Destruction" - Ride The Wind of Freedom in 300 Part 2!

It's been 7 years since Zack Snyder adapted Frank Miller's beautifully bloody tale of Spartan resistance, and I'm not sure I or anyone else cares about a sequel.  But we're getting one anyway.  It looks like more of the same, but I have some serious doubts as to if there is even a story here.  It certainly looks like a good ape of the first film.  Lena Headey is back.  That's nice I guess.  And I'm happy to see so much emphesis on pierced baddie Xerxes.  But Eva Green may be hamming it up a bit much.  Sure, I'll check it out, but I'm not holding my breath.

A Fistful of Metal! (Brad's Picks)

Zack Snyder's Man of Steel has hit, and hopefully, it will leave a massive crater in my lackluster enthusiasm for Superman.  Oh sure, I enjoyed the Donner movies as a kid, and Grant Morrison & Frank Quitely's All-Star Superman has to be one of the greatest comic book series ever printed in four colors, but Big Blue has never been a character that's spoken to my fanboy heart.  It's either The Beatles or The Stones, you're either a Supes fan or a Batman guy.  I've always been the later.

However, that's not what this list is about.  Look to my Week in Dork for all things Not-A-Bird-Not-A-Plane.  This Fistful Friday centers around my favorite encounters with cinematic Heavy Metal.  Maybe not the greatest movies on the planet, but you can certainly bang your head to this list.  Rock on.

5.  Doc Savage - Man of Bronze:  This movie is shit.  No bones about it.  However, the pulp fiction source material birthed from the bored mind of Lester Dent is a treasure trove of Indiana Jones-like adventure.  The Man of Bronze and his team of scientists travel the globe battling evil Russian scientists and ravenous headhunter tribes.  He seems pretty much forgotten these days, but his tales of pseudo-science & flat-out mysticism rival the very best of The Shadow or The Phantom.  Too bad Ron Ely's Man of Bronze can't muster enough energy to break you out of a snooze.  Still, look at that poster, pretty badass huh?

4.  The Nickel Ride:  This is a gem of 70s crime cinema.  Jason Miller is Cooper, a low level kingpin who manages a string of warehouses in Los Angeles.  But then the mob looses interest in their investment and cowboy goon Bo Hopkins shows up on his doorstep.  Not really triumphed these days, The Nickel Ride is a cold, mean, anti-climactic, and eventually heartless film.  Not the type of flick to go down in history, but it's worth your time just to see everyone's favorite Exorcist go up against no one's favorite Bufurd Pusser.

3.  Silver Linings Playbook:  I haven't seen this since the movie theater, but I've been craving a rewatch lately.  Haters love to harp on its completely fantastical interpretation of mental illness and it's Gambling Wins The Day climax, but I say pull that stick outta your ass and enjoy the oddball romance skipping a beat at the center of the film.  Bradley Cooper & Jennifer Lawrence are utterly engaging.  They have no business being together and in a real world situation would probably end their relationship in bloodshed, but this is Hollywood, and in Hollywood the guy gets the girl even when he is batshit crazy with rage.  It's cute.

2.  Cross of Iron:  The man who brought us the moral ambiguity of The Wild Bunch and Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid turns his attention towards The Good War, and the result is a haunting insight into how the other half lives.  James Coburn is Steiner, a German corporal who refuses to execute a captive child which in turn brings down the wrath of his commanding officer Maximilian Schell.  There have been many films that have reveled in the "War Is Hell" pathos, but Cross of Iron is one of the most theatrical and as such it reaches deep into Greek tragedy.  This ain't Spielberg, it's Peckinpah.  'nuff said.

1.  Goldfinger:  Could there be any other choice for the top spot?  Certainly not the best James Bond film (uh, that's From Russia With Love), still Goldfinger has the most iconic moment from the franchise.  Shirley Eaton, having foolishly fallen for Sean Connery's smile, is transformed into the ultimate Bond Girl victim when the diabolical Auric Goldfinger gives her a glittery spray-on tan.  A million fanboys were birthed in that moment.

The Real Man of Steel?

--Brad

Dork Art: Mondo Man of Steel!

Here's some good news for Mondo fanatics!  Tired of loosing out just seconds after the online sale?  Well, at least for the above Martin Ansin print, Mondo will give you three days to score this seriously bitching Man of Steel print.   Similar to their Dark Knight Rises Olly Moss poster, from 12:01 AM on Friday through 12:01 AM on Monday, the print run will be as large as the demand.  Measuring 24 x 36 and costing $50.  There will be a variant print lasered into sheet metal that will set you back $300, but don't worry, you don't have a chance in hell of acquiring it anyway.  There is also a nifty Ken Taylor print going on sale this Friday.  Limited to 300 copies, the regular edition is also $50 while the 150 variant costs $75.  I dig the Taylor, but I'm seriously in love with the Ansin.  It will be mine.  Nice to know that I can actually make it happen.

--Brad

Matt’s Week in Dork! (12/30/12-1/5/13)

    On Monday night, I attended Lisa and Brad’s New Years party, which was also Lisa’s birthday party.  I thought I was finishing up a cold, but it turned out I hadn’t even begun to fight.  The rest of the week was dominated by cold medication and attempts at sleep (including two 12 hour stretches).  So, I didn’t do much, outside of watching some movies, sleeping, and propping myself up at my job (sometimes reacting as though conscious).  At least I’m finally getting past it.  Ah health.


The Bloody Vampire:  “Look at it.  Look at it!”  Man, that was a boring and silly vampire movie.  Bad dubbing makes for some humorous moments, but otherwise, it’s a tough slog.  Not much happens.  A lot of people talk a lot.  Bad editing seems to kill most of the victims.  The end doesn’t work at all.

Jack Reacher:  Tom Cruise is a former cop who doesn’t play by the rules.  Yup.  It’s one of those movies.  Very 80s, with lots of moments that show Tom…I mean, Jack is oh, so cool.  It’s a bit sanitized, with much of the violence off camera, or cut away from.  But it’s still pretty violent (on a James Bond level, I guess).  And it’s fun, but fairly forgettable.  Herzog is kind of awesome, if somewhat pointless, as the villain.  And Rosamund Pike’s near cosmic cleavage should probably get its own agent, if not become a licensed hypnotist.

Wrath of the Titans:  “We had power before we had weapons.”  Breaking away from the remake territory of the first film, this is a more original, and more interesting story.  Plus, Sam Worthington is a lot less dull this time round (still not very exciting).  One of the things I like about this is that the monsters are monstrous.  The chimera at the beginning is straight-up disgusting.  I’m never a big fan of the ‘the magic is dying,’ ‘the time of the gods is ending’ kind of thing.  But, this is still a good deal of fun.  There’s a whole fathers and sons thing going here, which I guess is pretty common in fantasy film.  Fantasy in general, really, going back to the mythologies that gave rise to our religions.

GOD FIGHT!!!

    So, that was 2012.  Not really the best year.  But not the worst.  Living on my own has been fantastic.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up forever, but it has been a really good experience.  Keeping my own schedule without worry, just being free like you can’t be with a roommate, it’s awesome.  Not having internet has been a pain.

Sucker Punch:  I’m all for Mondo filmmaking.  Crank it to 11.  Go for it.  Don’t hold back.  Or, as they said in the 80s, ‘take it to the limit.’  So, when I saw the totally insane trailer for Sucker Punch, I thought, ‘Yes!  Here is my kind of madness.’  After all, Zack Snyder had made a whole bunch of movies I’d really enjoyed (the Dawn of the Dead remake, 300, Legend of the Guardians, Watchmen).  So an epic, dimension shifting pile of crazy with some girls slow-motion destroying their way through WWI battlefields, fantasy castles, and futuristic weirdness?  You know I’m down with all that.  But this movie is a mess, a total, aggravating mess.  Scattered, poorly thought out, disjointed, and too often emotionally forced, at every turn, it could be something really fantastic, but isn’t.  If it were limited to either one reality (best case), or two realities (if absolutely necessary) it might have worked.  But the third level of reality spoils everything, talking away the power of anything that happens.  Why does it matter if it’s a dream?  It really doesn’t matter if it’s a dream within a dream.  I mean, she’s imagining she’s a badass warrior while she’s imagining she’s dancing in a whorehouse, while she’s in an institution.  Ugh.  It doesn’t help that all the girls (many very pretty) are done up to look about as disgusting as could be.  The worst being Emily Browning, who looks like an anime fanboy/pedophile jackpot in her schoolgirl costume and ridiculous fake blond pigtails.  The film is such a disappointment, as any one of the dream settings might have made for a cool place for a complete story, especially the crazy fantasy-WWI.  Instead, each visit serves as a reminder of how the film could have been much better.

All Skanky on the Western Front

There Was a Crooked Man…:  I guess in the 70s people just liked their humor mixed with horror.  Cracking jokes one minute, and stone cold murder the next.  Ha ha ha, he killed that guy accidentally.  Ha ha ha, that woman is going to get raped.  Ha ha ha, a whole bunch of people got killed.  Oh, that rapscallion got a bunch of people shot down like dogs…isn’t he a charmer.  Like with my recent viewing of Fuzz (and movies like Mother Jugs and Speed and Mash) I find the humor in poor taste and most of the characters impossible to like.

Ha ha ha.  Murder.

Venture Bros. Season 4:  “He musta gut sucked into my enigma hole.”  Hunter and Brock talking about how sad a stripper’s breasts were had me actually crying with laughter.  I don’t know that this season is quite as good as earlier ones, but it’s still pretty danged funny.  Part of the problem is that Hatred is a much bigger part, and frankly, less is more with Hatred.  Though, when Hank becomes a private dick, there’s a whole lot of the old magic.  And Henchmen 21’s story is fantastic.

Doctor Who:  Revelation of the Daleks:  “Only fools would take the risks I do.” Doctor Who was such a strange show, and this story introduces a really nutty situation.  On a winter planet that is devoted to funerary arrangements, something rotten waits.  An evil mastermind’s head in a jar, the requisite idealist rebels, wacky 80s hair…zombies?  The later run of classic Who was downright nuts, with an almost surrealist/satirist streak akin to some UK comics, like 2000AD (featuring Judge Dredd!).  Several odd characters with their own somewhat extreme motivations are thrust together in a typical downward spiral of violence and madness.

Cosmopolis:  Look, David Cronenberg has made many great films.  So the man gets a bit of leeway from this film fan.  But after last year’s pretty darned disappointing Dangerous Method, this pretentious snooze-fest came as a pretty rough body blow.  It’s all people talking at each other, saying half-baked snippets of pseudo-intellectual stuff the actors clearly don’t understand.  Everyone seems drugged and listless.  There’s a lot of anxiety about technology and the future, themes Cronenberg has explored much more successfully and interestingly before.  I was reminded of the William Gibson documentary No Maps for These Places (I think that’s what it was called), which though it featured a lot of interesting stuff from Gibson, was so painfully arty (ART!!!) it was hard to sit through.  This  is the kind of thing I imagine college film students going nuts for.

I can't believe I'm listening to this crap.

Beasts of the Southern Wild:  “Want a chicken biscuit?”  In a strange world of have nots and crazies, people await the apocalyptic storm that is destined to drown them all.  Separated from the dry, safe world by the levy, people party and live with passion, because they’ve got no future.  A little girl watches the world with the wide eyes and a brave heart.  Her father is kind of a monster, but his brutish ways teach her self reliance, community, passion, and a will to survive.  There’s obviously a post-Katrina vibe to this film, but the world created feels like something out of a cyberpunk novel, with people on the outside of the technologic world.  These are the people who would live on the underside of Gibson’s domes.  In spirit, it reminds me somewhat of Tideland, in that it captures the pain, the fear, and the wonder of being a child, learning to deal with loss, danger, and the inevitable ends of things.

Killing Car:  I Know What You Did Last Summer as made by Jean Rollin.  If memory serves, this was Rollin’s first film after a fairly lengthy hiatus.  And it is missing a couple of his signature bits, like two women and a graveyard.  Still, you can tell it’s his work.  Not a lot of dialog, what there is doesn’t make a lot of sense, slow pace, dreamy logic, and a bunch of nudity.  It’s certainly not one of his better movies.  Partly, it’s the lackluster leading lady, party it’s the more obvious than usual budgetary limitations.  I don’t know, maybe there was too linear a plot for a Rollin film?  If you like the director’s work, you might as well check it out.  If not, this won’t win you over.  And if you’re unfamiliar with his work, this isn’t a good place to start.

Predators:  A bunch of predators and a bunch of Predators battle it out on a hostile world.  This is a much more proper sequel to the original film, and I’d like to see them go on in this fashion.  The cast is good, the effects are good, the action is good.  And it’s a cool story and setting (if simple).  There are lots of callbacks to the original, but the film is hardly slave to it.  Solid.  Now, when is the next one coming?

The Wolfman:  Clearly inspired by the original Universal Monster classic, I think this actually feels more akin to the Gothic horror of Hammer, with mist shrouded moors, deep family secrets, Gypsies, and fearful peasants.  I’m not in love with the CG, but it doesn’t totally suck.  I’m also not a huge fan of the wolfman design, but honestly, I didn’t like the original Universal one all that much either.  I guess I like my werewolves more biped wolf than man with wolf features.  It’s a pretty good flick, and I really like the mood of it.  I wish more horror movies would remember mood, instead of focusing so much on cheep jumpy bits.  It’s easy to startle people.  It’s hard to capture mood.

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan:  “Don’t ever mess with Lady Chun.”  This movie seems to be sleazy when it shouldn’t be, and chaste when it should be more sleazy.  After abuse and the murder of an attempted savior, a young woman becomes the ultimate courtesan…for revenge!  There is some pretty cool fighting in this one, and some awesome sets.  But I had a hard time getting into the story, partly because the characters were generally unlikable.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole:  An epic fantasy quest movie featuring heroic…owls?  It’s impressive how much emotion animators are able to get out of completely inhuman CG animals (sadly, more than many human actors seem capable of).  It’s really a gorgeous film, with shot after shot looking like some classic fantasy paperback cover art.  And interesting cast of characters, a dangerous journey, action packed battles, betrayals and heroics.  The only sour note is the crappy auto-tuned pop-song montage, seemingly an industry standard for kid aimed animation.  But the patented Zack Snyder slow-mo mixed with classic WWI style air combat (with owls instead of biplanes), is kind of cool.

An Angel for Satan:  This is a surprisingly sharp looking movie; one of those late black & white films that has the look of a modern movie done without color for reasons of style.  Barbara Steele is an odd one.  She’s almost beautiful, but somehow repellent at the same time.  Something about her Susan Sarandon eyes, I think.  Like they’re gonna fall right out of her face if she gets too upset.  And as is not uncommon in women with especially distinct features, she aged quickly, and not well.  Still, she is striking in her way.  The movie doesn’t feel Italian, and sadly, that’s because it’s technically well made.  Story wise it feels like something out of Roger Corman’s Poe era.  Replace the Count with Vincent Price, and the village idiot with Jack Nicholson, and nobody would know the difference.  Overall, not too bad.

    Other than that, I think the only thing I accomplished was reading a short story from A. Bertram Chandler’s To the Galactic Rim, With Good Intentions.  It was pretty good.  Really, that’s about it.

-Matt