Just Juice Him!

It's also been a long dang time since we've said much about blog favorite Jason Statham.  Obviously, this is in part because he hasn't done a particularly good movie in five years (OK, I love the first two Expendables movies, but come on...Crank 2 is his last masterwork).  Here's hoping he and The Rock have some seriously awesome screentime (baby oiled battle royale).  But seriously, we love this guy.  He's just been making it difficult lately.  However, if Rosario Dawson proves anything, we're willing to wait...years if necessary...to continue loving him.  In the Mouth of Dorkness is all about love and forgiveness for cinema sins.  Except you, Robert Rodriguez.  You've really dropped the ball, sir.  Oh, I kid.  We'd forgive you, too; if you ever make a good movie again.  Anyway.  Statham.  Be badass again.  We've missed you.

-Matt

Matt’s Week in Dork! (8/17/14-8/23/14)

    Not a heck of a lot going on in the realm of Dorkness this week.  Just a bunch of movies.

Lo:  Not at all what I was expecting…and not really my kind of thing.  A low budget horror comedy.  Kind of handled/written like a play.  I guess they’re going for a sort of Faust thing (which they reference a bunch).  It’s got some funny bits, but overall, the humor felt a bit too college writing class for my taste.  The acting has that feel, too.

Rango:  A wonderful homage to Spaghetti Westerns, as well as a meditation on the nature of heroes and their quests, Rango is far more than a simple kids film.  Sure, there are lots of clever references for adults to pick up on, but there are also deeper lessons that will help children and adults grow.  This is the best sort of family entertainment.

Scanners:  With a look and feel similar to that of Cronenberg’s Rabid, this look at good intentioned science gone horribly awry is pretty cool.  I like how, similar to British horror/sci-fi films of the 70s, everything is accepted.  Nobody questions the existence of Scanners (a new race of psychic mutants).  It just is.  They are.  Then the movie rolls on.  Psychic warriors, corporate conspiracy, weird science, and yes, the ascension of a new Humanity.

The Expendables 3:  I’ve said it before, and sadly, I’ll probably say it again.  Don’t make violent action films PG-13.  And don’t make sequels to R rated films PG-13.  It didn’t work with Aliens VS Predator.  It sure as hell didn’t work here.  Though not as bad as I was expecting, this sanitized actioner lets you focus more on the dreadful acting and script.  Without all those body parts flying by to distract you, you can almost smell the smoke from the brains of these meatheads when they’re trying to remember their moronic lines.  That gives the movie its own charm, frankly.  Antonio Banderas is far and away the best part of the movie.  He’s awesome.  The rest?  Meh.  And Ronda Rousey?  Wow.  She’s impressively bad.  So uncomfortable in front of the camera, she can’t even act ‘standing around’ right.  Yikes.

The Hundred-Foot Journey:  There’s nothing especially challenging or game changing about this movie.  It’s a very cute, very nice romantic film.  It’s funny and warm, and it’s sweet.  If you’re in the mood for that sort of thing, check it out.  The cast is charming, the locations pretty, and the food looks great.  A good companion to Chocolat, The Big Night, or this year's other big food-porn film Chef.

Cowboys & Aliens:  I like Weird Westerns, and this mash-up of alien invasion film and classic Western makes for a fun viewing.  It looks good, moves at a good pace, and features plenty of nice genre bits.  If you like a little weird mixed in to your Western, check it out.  I feel like this would pair well with Valley of Gwangi or maybe John Carter.

Duck Soup:  Well, now I’ve seen a Marx Brothers movie.  Did I like it?  Well, I liked parts of it.  But the film is a jumble.  The plot is, at the very best, secondary.  It primarily serves as a frame to hang various bits and gags on.  Some of those bits and gags are funny, others are…less so.  Groucho is fun to watch do his fast talking retorts and insults.  Chico has a kind of gutter charm.  Harpo is as annoying as I’d always assumed he’d be.  And Zeppo doesn’t seem to have much to do.  It’s all nonsense, and as such, I suppose it’s fine.  Not my cup of tea, but fine.

I Love Maria:  Pretty good practical effects bolster a too zany comedy script.  The film is goofy, the humor broad, and the English subtitles (only option) are nearly gibberish.  A very, very young Tony Leung makes you wonder how he became such a fine actor.  Director Tsui Hark gives a surprisingly good performance.  But the movie sinks under the weight of its silly parts.  By the end of it, I didn’t care who did what or who made it out alive.  I was just glad the antics wound down.  Not horrible.  But not recommended.

Fa Meg Pa, For Faen:  There are a million reasons I’m glad to be a dude.  Watching this movie about a young woman, living in the sticks, trying to deal with budding sexuality is an awkward, painful reminder.  The movie is cute, but so darned painful to watch.  Alma doesn’t always make good choices, but she makes the kinds of bad choices kids of her age do, with sometimes hilariously stupid results.  This is a realistic comedy, not the wacky antics of the American Pie series, or similar.  Everything here feels like it came from a real place in the filmmakers’ lives.  There are plenty of pitfalls for young men, don’t get me wrong.  And I think this movie even handles a few of those pretty well, if from the outside.  Artur does something powerfully stupid and tries to play it off like it didn’t happen.  Yet, he’s not shown as a one-note jerk.  The performances are good, even though many of the actors are not professional actors.  A good movie for those who like less gross-out in their teen comedy...Not that there aren't some gross things; they're just not handled in as childish a way as one expects from most contemporary comedies.

Only Lovers Left Alive:  The script has far too much ‘oh so clever’ references and nods, delivered with too obvious a wink or elbow jab.  And yeah.  I get it.  Blood means drugs.  It looks nice, and the cast is good.  There’s not much of a story, really.  And while I didn’t dislike watching it, I instantly forgot about it.

    On Saturday night, we got together for our graphic novel club, where this month’s reading was Beasts of Burden.  The book was pretty good, if not great.  But the gathering was spirited and fun.  Everyone seemed to be on, and in good spirits.  It was a good night, sitting around with a wonderfully diverse bunch of brains.

-Matthew J. Constantine

Brad's Week in Dork! (8/17/14-8/23/14)

It's my birthday week!  You know what that means?  Summer is winding down, all the big blockbusters are done, and we've got another Expendables movie to get frustrated over. The real winners came from the B Movie Bin - Charles Bronson's Mr Majestyk & Roger Corman's Sorceress. You're gonna want to add these batshit beauties to your collection pronto.

The Expendables:  When I first heard this film announced, I was thrilled at the notion of seeing all my favorite 80s action stars (+ a couple of newbies) in one big testosterone orgy.  Stallone had just directed the single most violent experience in the Rambo franchise, and he put a proper emotional caper on the Rocky films.  However, in the wake of subsequent sequels, The Expendables is more than just a hint of a disappointment.  The dialogue is stilted, the violence tame, the fight choreography uninspired, and the thrill of seeing Statham, Arnie, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, & Stallone sharing the screen (or runtime as the case turned out to be) is no longer there.  The first Expendables is simply a collection of missed opportunities.  Sure, Terry Crews still packs in the charm and Dolph is a wondrous neanderthal, but Eric Roberts is a bore, the damsel is laughable, and it is just not BADASS enough.  This is not the excessive tribute I want.

The Avengers:  Now here is a film that pays off on its iconography.  As a response to this year's Winter Solider & Guardians of the Galaxy, there has been the inevitable chatter of what film ranks supreme in the MCU.  I really, really, really love the 2014 Marvel offerings, but I seriously doubt there will ever come a film in the franchise to match my enthusiasm for their first battle royale.  I enjoyed the Phase One films just fine, but it's in The Avengers where the characters start to gel.  Through their interactions with each other (Tony & Bruce, Tony & Steve, Tony & Fury...hmmm...we see who makes the big bucks here) the film solidifies the emotional weight of the narrative.  It's not about Cosmic Cubes and Chitauri warriors, it's about "I'm Always Angry," Cap's battle fatigue endurance, and Loki's big brother complex.  Joss Whedon strives to give each player a moment, and manages to reveal to the world the appeal of a star-spangled boy scout and a depressed green rage monster.  This is something comic book geeks have known for decades, and it's a hoot to see the rest of the world invited to the party.

The Expendables 2:  The second outing is where things really get dumb, but also a whole heckuva lot more entertaining.  But in that Laugh At kinda way.  Jean Claude Van Damme is The Goat - ooooooooooooooo - a nefarious Bond villain with a cache of nukes and a thirst for pretty boy blood (Watch Out Liam Hemsworth!).  Stallone gathers the team together to save the world, and demolish Eastern Europe.  Con Air's Simon West brings a little life into the direction, but the endless splatter of CGI blood only highlights the bullshit vibe of the whole Expendables concept.  You just can't go home again.  There is only one Rambo, one Terminator, one Delta Force.  Please stop "I'll Be Back"ing the dialogue, it's just awkward - not cool.

Howard the Duck:  Guardians of the Galaxy simply necessitated another rewatch.  I know this is one of Matt's Favorite Movies, and even though I cannot possibly join him on that particularly crazy point of view, I do think Howard The Duck is not the abomination some might have you believe.  In the same fashion as The Goonies or Wall Street, Howard The Duck expertly captures the weirdness of the 1980s.  From its earnest punk rock revolution to its broad jabs at consumerism, the film strives to capture the biting satire of Steve Gerber's original comic even when the jokes fall flat, and the performance stretch beyond the stratosphere.  It's a boggling movie.  But it's weird.  And it's fun.  Bestiality is hilarious, right?

The Expendables 3:  "I Am The Hague!"  I will not bother to complain about the downgrade from R to PG-13.  Frankly, the first two films were only rated R thanks to waffling computer gore, so that type of bitching is moot.  That being said, it's obvious from the third entry that Stallone has no idea what makes the idea of The Expendables worthwhile.  After a nifty little jailbreak for Wesley Snipes, the crew is disbanded and Sly stretches the runtime with Kesley Grammar recruiting a new batch of young things.  I did not pay $15 to stare into the pink lips of Kellan Lutz.  No, I am here to watch Terry Crews chaingun a swath through a faceless sea of henchmen.  I want to see Jason Statham decapitate some chump with an epic round house kick.  I don't care about the polished teeth of youth.  The icons we came to see are barely present.   The Expendables 3 only succeeds when the old bastards get their screentime.  Antonio Banderas is adorable in his babbling enthusiasm for killing.  Mel Gibson is kinda terrifying when gleefully discussing the application of meat suits.  Wesley Snipes is WTF Crazy, and he's great for all five seconds he's given to shine.  I am your audience here Stallone.  I feed off of nostalgia.  Give me something to chew.  But this horse has been bludgeoned to death.  Also, director Patrick Hughes is set to direct The Raid remake???  God No!  Someone stop him!  The last thing we need is a cheap looking knockoff splattered with cartoon bloodspray and CGI tanks.  Laughable.

Mr. Majestyk:  Want a glimpse of real manliness?  Look no further.  Kino Lorber just released a new blu ray of what I consider to be Charles Bronson's finest hour, and it is a gorgeous burst of raw 70s manliness.  Yes, as much as I love the Death Wish films, Mr Majestyk is where it's at.  Screenplay by Elmore Leonard (who later wrote the novelization that can still be purchased at your local bookshop), is a simple watermelon farmer desperate to clear his crop when he runs afoul of Al Lettieri's mob enforcer.  It's one of those films where principle matters over common sense, and thankfully Bronson's Majestyk has the special forces training to back up his righteousness.  Great, simple gun battles punctuated by Bronson's well worn intensity.  This is the ultimate (Mid)Western, the type of film John Cougar Mellencamp dreams he could replicate in song.  Once upon a time, I would watch this flick on loop, and despite having an Elmore Leonard autographed poster in our bedroom, I recently discovered that The Wife has never had the pleasure.  So, it looks like I'll be watching Mr. Majestyk again real soon.

The Congress:  High Concept movies are a bitch to pull off.  Robin Wright plays herself, an aging actor with a sick kid and a limited time left in front of the camera.  After some plot demanded internal struggle, she sells not just her image but her whole being to Danny Huston's Hollywood mogul so that he can use her in whatever cinematic tripe he deems worthy of profit.  It's one of those films that enjoys potshots at our current pop culture landscape while trying to mine deeper concepts like The Human Soul.  I appreciate the attempt, and the first half (where actual actors populate the screen) is certainly engaging.  However, when the real world morphs into Cool World, the scenery gets wackier, the reality less defined, and my interest dims.  Neat to look at, but ultimately an obvious declaration.

Batman - Assault on Arkham:  DC Animation is loosing it, and it's hard not to attribute their artistic slump as a direct result of Bruce Timm's departure.  Justice League War, Superman Unbound, The Flashpoint Paradox, Son of Batman, and Assault on Arkham all seem more interested in acquiring their gritty PG-13 rating and reveling in moronic bloodshed & creepy sexual references then actually telling a good story.  Which is a serious bummer, as DC used to own the animated arena.  Heck, just last year they completed the extraordinary feat of adapting Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns & it was PHENOMENAL!  Assault on Arkham is directed by the same guy (Jay Oliva), but it's only victory is that it crams in as many references to the hit video game as it can while promoting the uber-lame Suicide Squad.  Owning the DC Animated films used to be a requirement, but now it's looking like even renting them is dangerous.  Such a letdown.

The Fade-Out #1:  I'm still processing the conclusion of Ed Brubaker & Sean Phillips' Fatale, and already they've launched into a brand new series.  It appears like they're taking a break from the supernatural to tell a straight up Noir centered in the golden age of Hollywood.  I, of course, am totally A-OK with that.  It's a typical set-up: black-out drunk screenwriter wakes up in a hotel room with a dead starlet sprawled on the carpet.  Who killed the diva?  Plenty of suspects.  It may seem premature to praise The Fade-Out, but given their track record, you would be an absolute fool not to want to jump into this hardboiled pool.  October will see the release of the final Fatale tradepaperback, and as stoked as I am to reread it, I am even more excited that such quality comics are on their way.

Duck Soup:  Half the year is over, and I still have plenty of Cinematic Resolutions to check off the list. For whatever reason, I've never been much of a comedy guy, and I certainly have never been one to consume the supposed comedy classics.  Only recently have I discovered Charlie Chaplin & Harold Lloyd, and I was kinda hoping that The Marx Brothers would fall into that similar realm of "Damn That's Classic For A Reason."  Unfortunately, I can't say that I was won over.  I enjoyed what delightful dicks Groucho & Chico could be, but their jokey joke comedy felt too much like Dad humor for me to fully embrace.  Duck Soup got me some chuckles, but I left the theater appreciating its place in cinema history more than as an actual entertainment.

Sorceress:  Now here is a film of cinematic legend...or at least it should be.  Produced by Roger Corman during that wondrous Conan The Barbarian knock-off phase, and directed by Foxy Brown's Jack Hill (until a post-production dispute kicked him off), Sorceress has pretty much anything a 13 year-old boy or stunted adult could possibly want.  We're talking twin Kung Fu Playmates, a horny Satyr, a fatherly viking, a vengeful ape-man, a marauding zombie horde, and an actual appearance by that winged lion on the box art.  In short, B-Movie gold.  Never before available on DVD, Scorpion Releasing makes a name for itself by finally gifting us this gonzo exploitation onto blu ray.  A MUST OWN.

Sin City - A Dame To Kill For:  Some things are better left unadapted.  Frank Miller's Sin City comics are an ultra-masculinized reworking of Film Noir tropes, a genre that already reveled in hedonism and bravado.  The plots were never stunning, it was all about the ridiculous hardboiled dialogue and Miller's mastery over negative space.  Replicating that onto the big screen, Robert Rodriguez barely manages to capture the bizarre visuals and it's a rare actor who can pull-off the lingo.  Josh Brolin gives the good ol' college try.  Mickey Rourke is practically a Dick Tracy face pre-latex, so his Marv is a top-notch brute.  And there probably has never been an actor more suited to be a Frank Miller puppet than Eva Green.  I admire her game.  But ultimately, the Sin City films leave me cold and unimpressed.  Jessica Alba is wrong, wrong, wrong as stripper Goddess Nancy, and her "original" story of revenge that concludes the film is dull, awkward, and out-of-sync with the timeline.  Joseph Gordon Levitt might have made for a good addition if his story had any weight whatsoever.  So, this might sound crazy given the current climate, but not every comic needs to be a movie.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil:  Saw this on netflix, randomly watched it late one night.  It's a film I saw a lot as a kid, and I don't think you're going to find too many people who agree with me on this one, but it is my favorite Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder pairing.  It's an ultra silly crime caper in which a blind guy & a deaf guy are on the from the law as well as a couple of killers.  Hijinks ensue.  Nothing innovative here, but the film wins me over because of the warmth each actor displays for the other.  They're a couple of losers wallowing in their disability, but through each other they learn to enjoy life once again.  Misanthrope gimmick comedy.  Apparently, I'm a sucker for it.

Beasts of Burden - Animal Rites by Evan Dorkin & Jill Thompson:  Saturday night was our 3rd Meeting of our 3rd Year of Graphic Novel Book Club.  I know I say this every month, but I can't believe it's still going, and I can't believe how much I love it so.  Beasts of Burden marks one of those rare occasions where we all pretty much loved the book (ok, so William was a little lukewarm on it, but I'll take that as a victory).  Imagine the X-Files but cast with Cats & Dogs and you pretty much get the gist.  A series of one-and-done comics that slowly builds to an overarching story involving a malevolent force calling out from the small town sewers.  Creepy, ghoulish, even heartwarming.  The only trouble is that the comics have been going since 2003 and it seems like we've only scratched the surface of this world.  We're greedy, and we want more, more, more from the gang.

--Brad

A Fistful of Summer Anticipation 2014 (Matt’s Picks)

    This Summer, perhaps more than previous years, finds Brad and I in very, very close agreement on our movie hopes and dreams.  Maybe the order of excitement for movies is a bit different, but essentially, they’re the same.  Godzilla, Guardians, Apes…We’re pretty pumped.  So, Brad’s gonna handle the biggies, the blockbusters, that we're jazzed to check out.  He’s got it covered, and I support him on at least four out of the five.  I’m gonna take a look at some of the movies I’m looking forward to that aren’t being talked about as much.  A sequel to the awesome animated film How to Train Your Dragon?  Gritty ugly nastiness of The Rover?  Or the Rock in…well, whatever he’s got?  Take a look back at lists past here, here, and here.  And then look below for some of  my most anticipated films for Summer 2014.

5.  Snowpiercer:  So, we’re getting the real version of this film, right?  Not the Weinstein “Why do we keep picking up distribution rights for movies we seem dead-set on butchering?” cut?  If that’s the case, and it actually plays somewhere, I’m very interested in this science fiction weirdness.  The cast is crazy and the concept weird.  It’s based on a graphic novel I haven’t read yet (I do have a copy), that looks pretty wild.  I do have concerns because of the director (I know, I know...I just didn't like The Host), but I have hopes, too.  However it turns out, I want to see more movies like this, even if this one isn’t a great entry.

4.  The Immigrant:  Yup.  I’m a sucker for a grand, historic romance.  The English Patient and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon are in my top ten of all time list, after all.  It’s not like there’s ever been a shortage of entries in this genre, but really, really good ones are rare.  Something about the trailer for The Immigrant got to me, made me feel like just maybe, this was going to be one of the very good ones.  So, here’s hoping.

3.  Jupiter Ascending:  Here’s the thing.  I love Bound.  I love The Matrix.  I really, really like the second and third Matrix film (yeah, they’re flawed, and yeah, I’d have taken them in a different direction if I’d been writing them…but I like ‘em).  I love (LOVE!!!) Speed Racer.  And I liked Cloud Atlas a lot (some parts I loved, some parts I enjoyed, and a few parts, I could have done without).  So, now the Wachowskis are back with a full blown, bugnuts crazy science fiction spectacle, and I’m all kinds of psyched to see it.  Maybe, just maybe, we are heading into the science fiction film renaissance I was ranting about a few years ago.  Sure, a lot of the sci-fi films of late have been lackluster (Avatar, Prometheus, Star Trek Into Darkness, etc.).  But a lot have been pretty good to great, too (Looper, Moon, Europa Report, etc.).  And if they make a lot, the chance for good ones will get better and better.  I’m iffy on the cast, and I don’t like that at least part of it takes place on contemporary Earth.  However, I’m happy as a pig in poop to see Wachowskis Unleashed.

2.  Tracks:  Since I was a lad, Australia has held a mysterious awe for me.  Perhaps, like Lawrence, I find the desert to be…clean.  I’ve been fascinated by its places and people.  I’ve imagined trips across it, I’ve imagined living there.  For years, every story I tried to write was set there, and I read everything I could about it.  To this day, there is something special, a place in the back of my mind, connected with this land I've never visited.  Whatever the case, its stark beauty, mixed with an adventure story (based on the real life adventure of Robyn Davidson) are key ingredients for what I hope to be a feast.  Jeremiah Johnson meets Walkabout?  I hope so.

1. (Edit: as of May 18, this film has been rated PG-13, and it slips from my #1 spot to my "I don't give a crap" spot.  I no longer have any interest in seeing this film.)  The Expendables 3:  You got a problem with that?

-Matthew J. Constantine

Matt’s Week in Dork! (10/13/13-10/19/13)

    Got an early, early start to this Week in Dork with a trip to see Gravity.  Glad that movie is doing well, because that’s the kind of science fiction we should be seeing more of, even if it wasn’t great.

Gravity:  Sadly, this is one of the better films to come out of 2013.  It’s a fair science fiction adventure, if not amazing.  Lots of long takes and some beautiful imagery, along with pretty good performances make it watchable.  However, there are a few annoying little quibbles that stuck in my craw, particularly the forced religiosity.  And though Bullock does a pretty good job, and looks the part, her character is simply not that interesting, and her back-story is lame.  But all in all, it’s not bad.  And I really love the last couple of minutes, even if they were detached from the rest of the film.  The imagery and music work very well together, creating a shot that I’ve seen in my head many times, but that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a film ‘til now.

    On Sunday night, I watched some more Space 1999.  That show has some excellent episodes, some really creepy stories.  One where they found a parallel Earth that still had it’s moon, and a woman died from having an extra brain appear in her head…that was just weird, man.

Brigadoon:  “You don’t have to explain anything to me.  I don’t care.”  I just could not get into this one at all.  It’s basically Lost Horizon, but annoying, with no interesting characters and lots of singing.  None of the songs are particularly memorable.  And the fantasy element makes little sense.  Everyone in Brigadoon acts as thought they’ve lived hundreds of years, but for them, it’s only been two days.  What gives?  This modern fairy tale could absolutely have worked (as it has several times in several other films), but not here.  Maybe this works better on stage.  On film, it’s not that good.

The Expendables 2:  A bunch of meatheads spout semi-literate one-liners at each other while everything (including wave after wave of Eastern European fodder) explodes.  This is the obvious descendant of all those muscle bound action movies of the 80s, and not just because it stars all kinds of the retirees of that golden age of stupid.  It doesn’t come a lot more low brown and silly than this, but it’s a heck of a lot more fun than a dozen more serious films.  You have to go in to these films with a certain mindset.  If you’re looking for good dialog that isn’t awkwardly delivered, and a complex plot, well, look somewhere else.

Wings:  Sadly, it doesn’t take much to achieve this status, but Wings is one of the best World War I films I’ve seen.  Amazing air combat sequences, brutal trench fighting, some pretty good actors, and a solid, if not amazing story.  It’s got plenty of heroics, but also does get into some of the grit and grime of war.  Some of the violence is disturbing, even to this jaded modern viewer.  When the camera holds on a pilot as he’s shot to death and his plane plunges to the ground, it’s quite gruesome and effective.

Godzilla VS SpaceGodzilla:  I’m not gonna lie.  This era (90s) of Godzilla kind of sucks.  The stories aren’t good, the effects look cheap, and they’re just sort of goofy.  And that’s without adding Godzilla’s kid (which, sadly, this film does).  I like some of the SpaceGodzilla stuff, like his weird use of crystals.  I wish there had been better stuff with the humans, that maybe would have involved trying to figure out what that was all about, and how they might do something about it to help Godzilla.  Frankly, the film felt slapped together.

Frankenstein’s Army:  I don’t generally like found footage films and this movie doesn‘t change my mind.  The story is fun, and the characters OK for this kind of film.  But the film looks too new, too modern.  Even the tricks and effects to make it seem ‘primitive’ look too slick and polished.  That said, it feels like watching someone play a really good video game, like Bioshock or something.  There’s an almost rollercoaster aspect to parts near the end, that were making me laugh (with, not at) out loud.  The retro-tech is very cool.  And it has moments that really shine.  I’d rather the film been more traditional, with steady-cam and tripod, told completely (or even mostly) in the third person.  But I enjoyed the content of the film enough to overcome the technique.  Worth checking out for those who enjoy very weird, genre-mixing horror.  Russians, Nazis, and Frankenstein’s monsters.  OK.  Why not.

Lifeforce:  “Well, here I go.”  Every time I watch this film, I like it a little more.  The sprawling story, the cast of characters, the actors, the weird effects, the crazy plot progression…and Mathilda May.  I can’t overstate how much Mathilda May does for the film.  But beyond a stunningly beautiful woman walking around naked, there’s a pretty weird and cool Lovecraftian tale of alien energy vampires, plague, and mass hysteria.  Not to everyone’s taste, to be sure, horror fans, sci-fi fans, and especially fans of the old Hammer sci-fi horror films (like the Quatermass series) need to see it.

Machete Kills:  “Machete loves everyone.”  Where does one start?  Well, I’ll start with the good.  1) Danny Trejo was really good.  That is all.  The bad…everything else.  The dialog is bad, until the women start talking.  Then the dialog is offensively bad.  The story wanders around so much that at around the halfway point, I couldn’t believe the movie wasn’t over yet.  It fails on epic levels.  For a pseudo-grindhouse movie, it lacks all the things that make a grindhouse film, except for shoddy technical production.  Bad, bad, bad CGI used instead of even the most rudimentary (and effective) practical effects (fake blood isn’t even expensive; catsup would have looked better).  Where’s the nudity?  Not here, that’s for sure.  The very beginning is so bugnuts that it got my hopes up.  The rest of the movie soundly destroyed my hopes, then peed all over their remains.  If you enjoyed the first film, skip this one.  If you enjoy things that suck and are really boring, check it out.  So much potential for something good.  So must disappointment.

Wish it was more like this.

    I finished reading Sean Faircloth’s book Attack of the Theocrats.  It’s at once infuriating and energizing.  Seeing just how religious factions in this country have done more to erode human rights, scientific literacy, and the Constitution is disturbing.

Black Widow:  Kind of an incorrectly titled film, the movie is not at all about a black widow, but about a straight-shooting guy who gets the legal bum’s rush from an aspiring writer.  When the young woman writer shows up dead in his apartment, things get dicey fast.  The nasty human behavior and double dose of crazy makes the film more watchable.  It’s not great; not at all.  But it’s worth a watch for the performances.

    On Saturday morning, I watched the first few episodes of Vikings, the new TV series from the History Channel.  It has much, much higher production values than I expected, and has some pretty good characters.  But it also has some pretty bad ones, and as much as I like Gabriel Byrne he’s top of the list.  His character is so pointlessly vile, and suffering from almost every villain cliché, that the whole thing becomes silly when he’s there.  Of course, his woman is a monster who drives him to do evil, he his own people left and right, he disgraces and dishonors everyone who shows a bit of confidence, and the list goes on.  Without his character (like Danny Huston in Magic City) the show would be noticeably better.  It could deal with a bit more sex and violence, but it doesn’t feel totally off on that count.

    Saturday night, we went out to Warrenton (the sticks) to see Dork-Wife Lisa in a production of Fiddler on the Roof.  It was quite good, with several excellent actors.  The guy who played Tevye was especially good.  And Lisa was really, really excellent.  You could kind of tell that she’s a professional singer.  I’d never seen the movie, or any other live production, so it was all a surprise to me.  And I ended up enjoying it quite a bit.

    I also picked up the new Goldfrapp album, Tales of Us.  It’s pretty good.  More dreamy than dancy.  In fact, I would say her dance roots aren’t even showing here.  And I grabbed Devo’s recent album Something for Everybody.  Some of the tunes are catchy, and they still sound good.  But the thing with Devo is that I feel like their revolutionary spirit turned to bitterness, and while I need to give the songs a more careful listen, the bitterness seems to be showing.

-Matt