Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Fistful of Sailors! (Brad's Picks)'s been three weeks since The Avengers...and the follow up Summer Blockbusters have been Dark Shadows and Battleship...anyone excited about those?  Not me.  I'm somewhat curious about's got Liam Neeson in it afterall, but we know he's gonna bite it fifteen minutes into the flick and John Carter is gonna have to take control....snooze.  Sure, Peter Berg is supposedly the son of a Naval historian and he's gone out of his way to accurately depict these alien war game shenanigans but that's not gonna mean a damn thing once Rihanna sucks up the screen with her tough girl act.  Besides, I still say the best movie Peter Berg has ever been attached to is Shocker--yeah, you heard me!

Sooooooo anyway, below is my list of the five Navy Men who could wipe the floor with Taylor Kitsch.

5.  Casey Ryback (Under Siege):  Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey never had a chance against this former Navy Seal turned Cook and his amazing slap fighting.  And if you're a Playboy playmate trapped inside a cake for four or five hours, you will not be able to resist his bacon greased voice.  Yes, Under Siege is a not-so-subtle rehash of Die Hard, but as far as ripoffs go, it's a whole lotta goofy fun.  And it's one of Steven Segal's best efforts.

4.  Shipwreck (GI Joe: A Real American Hero):  Ok.  So Shipwreck was always one of my least favorite Joes as a kid.  And there rarely seems a need for him to pop up with his parrot and his salty sea metaphors.  But dammit, when Cobra took to the water there was no better man to man the 14"/50 caliber gun.

3.  Lieutenant Coffey (The Abyss):  Man, I was really tempted to pick Michael Biehn's Lt. Curran from Navy Seals but even I have a hard time justifying that wonderful bit of madness.  So I'm gonna go with his psychotic Seal from James Cameron's adventure under the sea.  Whew.  That mustache.  So damn scary.

2.  Buddusky (The Last Detail):  My dad did 20 years in the Navy.  I remember being a kid and asking him what movie portrayed the Navy in a true manner and his response was Hal Ashby's The Last Detail.  I was 14 or 15 when I rented it.  And it blew my mind.  Could my Dad have behaved like this? Could he have been a part of the demented B.S. witnessed in this horror show?  To this day, I find The Last Detail to be an incredibly disturbing film for that reason alone.  But it's been 15 years since I've seen it.  Maybe it's not as troubling as I remember.  And maybe I could understand Jack Nicholson's character a little better.  I don't know...

1.  Quint (Jaws):  Sometimes around here, it seems like it always goes back to JAWS.  But when you're talking badass seamen how can Quint not be at the top of the list?  Having survived the horrors of the war aboard the doomed USS Indianapolis, Quint meets his fate aboard his own vessel hacking at Death with a machete and screaming his hate into the belly of the beast.  Are you going to tell me that the crew of this weekend's Battleship could muster up such a feat?  Doubtful.


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