Thursday, May 31, 2012

A Fistful of Hunters! (Brad's Picks)

Snow White is going Down!  But milk bather Charlize Theron needs Chris Hemsworth's hunka hunka Huntsman to track down the raven haired beauty so she can poison apple her predestined ass.  But the real question is, could Hemsworth's axe go up against these other cinematic predators?  Don't think so.

5.  Charles Remington (The Ghost In The Darkness):  Okay.  This is a rather weak attempt at a JAWS knock-off switching sharks for lions and Robert Shaw for Michael Douglas.  But dammit.  When I first saw this film in 1996 I was at the height of my Michael Douglas man crush.  Romancing The Stone, Falling Down, Basic Instinct, Black Rain.  I thought the man positively badass (and still do)  Now, slap a giant elephant gun in his hands and there's no stopping that five o'clock shadow.  Not even you, sniveling city slicker Val Kilmer.

4.  Max Cherry (Jackie Brown):  Forget Boba Fett and Jack Walsh, the coolest Bounty Hunter in cinema is Max Cherry.  He might have been quicker and stronger in his youth, but his experience spent on late night couches with sneak-attack tasers has developed a formidable foe for Samuel Jackson's gun runner wannabe kingpin.  All he needed was a little push from Pam Grier's foxy Brown and Max Cherry became the ultimate Hero-To-Root-For.  A little Delfonics didn't hurt none either.

3.  Count Zaroff (The Most Dangerous Game):  Never trust a Russian Count.  Shipwrecked upon a mysterious island, Joel McRea runs for his life while the wealthy madman Zaroff hunts him down for sport.  The Most Dangerous Game spawned two of my favorite Homeless Prey films of the 90s (Hard Target and Surviving The Game), but neither of those films capture the dread of the hunt quite like the diabolical original.

2.   Michael (The Deer Hunter):  Once upon a time Michel could drop a beast without batting an eye.  But then Uncle Sam came calling and Vietnam halted his trigger finger.  The Deer Hunter is one of my all time favorite movies and it's really the only Vietnam flick that feels genuine to this military ignorant film geek.  My grandfather came back from WWII to a similar experience, a North Dakota farmboy who could no longer take a life, even that of a deer.  Maybe it's that personal connection that really sells this film for me but I would argue that it's De Niro's best performance as well (sorry Taxi Driver and Righteous Kill fans) and it's easily one of the most heartbreaking climaxes that cinema has to offer.  Frickin' Christopher Walken's cold, dead staring eyes...shiver.

1.  The Predator (Predator):  You can't compete with this ugly mutha.  Heck, even Schwarzenegger nearly met his downfall under this alien brute.  And part of me wishes that the film ended with that giant Austrian skull swinging from the Predator's belt.  Man might be this monster's most dangerous game but the Predator's gone up against Aliens and Superman (uh, yeah, if you haven't read that comic you're missing out on some weirdo expanded universe nonsense).  And when you stack this guys trophies up against Michael, Zaroff, Max Cherry, Remington, and the Huntsman--those wimps are gonna go running.


No comments:

Post a Comment