Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Best of April Fool's Day

Oh, April Fool's Day and the Internet, how I hate you.  Every year I'm tricked by a number of websites purporting the craziest of stories and this year was no different.  Here are the two best gags I've encountered so far:

Criterion To Release Kindergarten Cop!

SYNOPSIS: Historically, the policier and the family comedy were two distinct categories. Then, in 1990, Kindergarten Cop gave us all a lesson in genre revisionism. With muscular sensitivity, Hollywood’s last action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger embodies detective John Kimble, who is compelled to go undercover as a teacher of five-year-olds in order to catch a ponytailed drug dealer. Though it’s distinguished by pulse-pounding suspense, a Crayola-bright palette by cinematographer Michael Chapman (Taxi Driver), and trenchant observations about education in the Bush I era, the film’s emotional center is Schwarzenegger’s gruff yet good-tempered interaction with a class full of precocious scamps, including a tumor-forewarning death-obsessive and a genitalia expert. By leavening a children’s film with enough violence to please even the most cold-hearted bastard, director Ivan Reitman shows that he refuses to color inside the lines.

  • New high-definition digital restoration of the 1990 director’s cut, presented in 5.1 surround DTS-HD Master Audio on the Blu-ray edition
  • New audio commentary featuring Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, author of It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Can Teach Us
  • Excerpts from the French television program Cinéastes de notre temps: “Ivan Reitman”
  • Kindergarten Cops Today, a new hour-long documentary featuring former New York City police detectives Frank Serpico and Robert Leuci, former San Francisco police inspector Dave Toschi, and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg
  • From “Fingers” to Finger-Painting, an interview with cinematographer Michael Chapman
  • Archival video of Schwarzenegger’s acceptance speeches for the Favorite Movie Actor award at the 1989 and 1991 Kids’ Choice Awards
  • The Kids Aren’t All Right, an analysis of all the cuts made to ensure a PG-13 rating
  • More than six hundred minutes of rare behind-the-scenes and archival footage
  • Seven theatrical trailers
  • PLUS: A booklet featuring an essay by former police reporter and creator of The Wire David Simon and a reprint of James Agee’s original review of the film

 Think Geek unveils another whacky product.  But maybe, like the Sleeping Bag Tauntaun from a few years back, this will also become a reality.  Hopefully the same will happen to the Admiral Ackbar Cantina Theme singing bass.  But doubtful.  Afterall, "It's A Trap!"

Straight outta Dac!

Admiral Ackbar had a long history about pointing out things to his fellow creatures - it's one of the reasons he rose so quickly in rank! When he was but a paralarva, he was quick to identify other sea creatures ("IT'S A CARP!"). Ackbar always listened to his mom and wore a hat when it was chilly ("IT'S A CAP!"). When he worked as a house painter in college, Ackbar always knew the tools needed to succeed ("IT'S A TARP!"). So, in honor of his intelligence and leadership, we created this Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass for all of us to have a little more Ackbar in our lives.

The Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass features the good admiral's head sculpted onto a singing fish's body ("IT'S AN ALMAGAM!"). Either by button press or by sensing motion, Ackbar springs to life - first dancing to the Cantina Song and then uttering his immortal catch phrase, "IT'S A TRAP!" It's just that simple, and you know you're already planning where you'd put yours right now. Admiral Ackbar wants you to own aStar Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass, so hurry up and order; it's easy ("IT'S A SNAP!").


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